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With a loud crack, Caden Ellis flew across the hall and broke his right arm.

He had broken many limbs in the mere 18 years of his life, but he still wasn't ready for that most horrible kind of pain - the kind that doesn't seem to have a focal point, it just swims up and down your arm in pulsating waves, each heartbeat causing you to wince. He gasped for breath as if someone had punched him in the gut and tried to push himself up with his left arm. Cold beads of sweat clung to his forehead. He looked around to try and get his bearings, but no good - he saw nothing but green, formless shapes, dashing back and forth across his vision, as the blood in his head drained away to his broken bones.

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I, um, don't really expect you to pick up on the story's overall premise from that, so a (very) brief summary: The Humans, a small and weak nomadic race spread out all over the Formia galaxy, have inexplicably become the targets of an unknown but powerful race called the Cro, throwing the entire galaxy into disarray. Caden and his family are just one family of many looking for solutions and trying desperately to survive.

So that be it. Feel free to micro-analyze it as much as you please, I'll decide whether to pay attention or not. :P Seriously though, criticize it like crazy, I look forward to it.

EDIT - By the way, I have very limited access to the internet, so replies will be slow. Feel free to ask questions anyway, though.

With a loud crack, Caden Ellis flew across the hall and broke his right arm.

Is it his arm that cracks, or is there a noise in the room - perhaps the reason why he is thrown across the room. If it's his arm, you would need to word it something like: Caden Ellis flew across the hall, and broke his right arm with a loud crack. Otherwise, tell us what the loud crack is.

I agree with Sunshine about the sentance beginning: the kind of pain that... I quick reword would sort it out.

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With a loud crack, Caden Ellis flew across the hall and broke his right arm.

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I’m quite sure the “green, formless shapes” are important in some way. I would much rather have more information on them as opposed to the pain description.

From what is written, I don’t get conflict, emotion, or even danger. The arm is already broken, maybe that’s the worst that will happen and things will get better for him from this point on. I just don’t know.
The “(very) brief summary” didn’t really help me understand anything more of what was written in the ‘first 13’. I sense there may have been some world building, but I'm not picking up on a story, just a setting with two races that don't like each other for no explicable reason.

There is undoubtedly more to the story than meets the eye, but from what is here, I doubt I would read further.

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1. Although this didn't really slow me down, I wonder if altering the following quote "it just swims up and down your arm in pulsating waves, each heartbeat causing you to wince" from the "you" to the "he" perspective would be more consistent and effective.

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2. I had a clarity question about your summary. I assume when you say "[t]he Humans, a small and weak nomadic race", that you mean they are small in stature and physically weak or perhaps easy to break (such as Caden Ellis' bones)? However, it immediately occurred to me that you might mean they are small in population and weak in political power, or some combination of the above.

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3. Are you finished? I like it and I'm not a big space nut. I'm curious about the green floaty blobs, how Caden's bones got broken, if the others are like him, etc. etc.

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Is it his arm that cracks, or is there a noise in the room - perhaps the reason why he is thrown across the room.

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The rest of it seems to focus on describing how intense the pain was.
I have been lucky enough to have never had a broken limb. Even without having firsthand knowledge of the pain, I think the description ‘goes on’ a bit too much.
Those who have experienced a broken limb would undoubtedly not need that much description to understand.
Should there be a description of the pain? Sure, if it ads to the story or character. It could probably be shorter and more concise, though.

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These first 13 lines also display a very important aspect of the story to me: it will be much less of me "telling a story", and much more of trying to place the reader into the story with the characters and letting them ride along. Exposition comes very slowly in this story, and while for some reasons I'm not so happy about that, the main reason I'm doing it is to establish the fact that you're entering a story where the characters themselves already know most of the background, so why would it suddenly come up? This isn't so much about the first 13 lines here, but I'm just saying, the characters and what they're going through comes first, and exposition and explanation comes only as a result of getting to know the characters more.

That being said, I'm guessing I'm not the first writer to be frustrated by the 13 lines rule, but whatever. You would find out quite quickly where he is and what he's in the middle of - in fact, the very next line is the line that really establishes the dangerous situation he's in.

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I sense there may have been some world building, but I'm not picking up on a story, just a setting with two races that don't like each other for no explicable reason.

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There is undoubtedly more to the story than meets the eye, but from what is here, I doubt I would read further.

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With a loud crack, Caden Ellis flew across the hall and broke his right arm.

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He had broken many limbs in the mere 18 years of his life, but he still wasn't ready for that most horrible kind of pain - the kind that doesn't seem to have a focal point, it just swims up and down your arm in pulsating waves, each heartbeat causing you to wince.

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- mere 18 years...redundant. We know 18 year olds are generally young...unless in your world 18 is a cusp of something, "in the 18 years of his life" or "in his 18 years" would more than suffice.
- the rest of that first sentence of the 2nd paragraph is mammoth. I suggest you break it down. There's an urgency to a bunch of short sentences that can punch things up a bit, which I believe is part of your intent. The pain was without focus. It pulsed up his arm in waves. His head swam with the intensity. Each heartbeat caused him to wince (though, plausibility point - a wince every heartbeat is pretty much impossible...) Each heartbreat rained another torrent of pain.
- I think you need more punctuation in the "he gasped for breath" sentence. I'm not the grammar queen, but there's probably a comma before the "and"
- Same sentence, bad referrent. It can be read "as if someone had punched him in the gut and tried to push ..." Do you see it? Until you get to the himself, it's not clear that the actor in the second clause is the MC, versus the "someone" mentioned in the first clause. Again, not grammar queen, I could be wrong on my terminology, but beware that the first read I was confused.
- You could end the next sentence at "no good." and start anew - "He saw nothing but..." Again, to tackle sentence length. Long sentences are a little exhausting to read, as people use punctuation and sentence length as mental "breaths" - not kidding, I swear! Not to say you can't have long sentences, in fact it can be smart to include variation in sentence length...but do it purposefully. Here, to be in the moment with the MC, I feel like I need either a complete stream of consciousness that would be entirely connected with ellipses (...) or short, punchy sentences when we're talking about the pain.

So I'm with the crowd that thinks you should clarify that if that's how you're going to lead in to your story.

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Obviously you know that this opening is problematic. I would want to know what sent him flying before his medical history.

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Not only does this sentence changes from past-tense to present-tense, it is long.

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Nothing about his thoughts and feelings?

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What are the green things? Why aren't you telling us?

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And, um, in case you took that seriously, I'll tell you the truth: you pretty much find out what the green shapes are in the next sentence or so. But I've got 13 lines, so you'll have to stay in the dark.

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the rest of that first sentence of the 2nd paragraph is mammoth. I suggest you break it down. There's an urgency to a bunch of short sentences that can punch things up a bit, which I believe is part of your intent. The pain was without focus. It pulsed up his arm in waves. His head swam with the intensity. Each heartbeat caused him to wince (though, plausibility point - a wince every heartbeat is pretty much impossible...) Each heartbreat rained another torrent of pain.

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Hope this helps! Good luck with this effort.

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That being said, tell me how he feels about the pain:

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See, that's the thing, and I didn't want to reveal anything beyond the 13 lines, but the point simply is, in this passage, that he's in pain. There is no other point. In the next few seconds he needs to get his bearings, refocus his mind on what he's doing, and get back into it. But for right now, all he knows is the pain. So that's all the reader knows. Maybe I could trim it down a bit, but the overall focus of this intro I will keep.

You say "the kind of" twice and the first time around it works 'that horrible kind of pain' after that, it gets SO specific in the details of the pain that it no longer seems like a "type" of pain so much as a current description of his actual pain. Making it his pain instead of a general pain will make it more personal and avoid all the "you, you, you"

He gasped for breath as if someone had punched him in the gut and tried to push himself up with his left arm. - this could be two sentences

He had broken many limbs in the mere 18 years of his life, but he still wasn't ready for that most horrible kind of pain - the kind that doesn't seem to have a focal point, it just swims up and down your arm in pulsating waves, each heartbeat causing you to wince. He gasped for breath as if someone had punched him in the gut and tried to push himself up with his left arm. Cold beads of sweat clung to his forehead. He looked around to try and get his bearings, but no good - he saw nothing but green, formless shapes, dashing back and forth across his vision, as the blood in his head drained away to his

I like the idea of the blood draining out to his arm (makes more sense if it's through/out/around/etc his arm rather than the bone since bones don't house blood).

broken bones. - he broke multiple arm bones?

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Yeah I realized there'd be some confusion there. It's the reason he's thrown across the room, but words like "bang" or "boom" just didn't have the same effect as "crack". You would find out what the source of that sound was very quickly, though, if you read on.

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Patience is a virtue. And if you're trying to say that all the talk about his pain is making you frustrated wanting to know what's happening, then I guess I've done my job. :P

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Seriously, if the POV character knows then I have to know too. Don't hide info like this, it's more frustrating than fun.

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Yes, you're right! I never thought of that: disorient the reader (especially the editor), that'll sell your work for sure.

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Tell us exactly what's going on

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Confusion, deliberately obscuring things from the reader = bad

There's an art to it. I'm no master, but be careful to not try to get too tricky with your writing. Readers get REALLY turned off when they think the writer is doing things to manipulate them into confusion, or hiding things from them that they should. Books that end "and she woke up." somewhat guarantee the loss of a customer for future titles, know what I'm saying?

The writers of Lost took a big risk (full disclosure: I haven't watched the show, though I have an understanding of the premise.) However, let's go ahead and acknowledge that they're highly paid hollywood bigshots, something we all aspire to be. I can virtually guarantee that those writers did not start all (arguably *any*) of their previous works in the same manner.

Also remember, you're not the only audience for your story. People here offer their critiques not only as writers, but as READERS. If a reader says they're confused and it's pissing them off, well - you as the writer should be aware that at least one reader was confused and pissed. If that was your intent, fine, but not many writers set out with the goal of confusing *and* angering their readers.

I was just reading something in a book - maybe the 38 MISTAKES FICTION WRITERS MAKE by bickham? - about this concept of creating tension without making your readers get angry with you. I'll see if I can find the reference, there's a lot written on this topic, I believe. If you really want to do the "chaos" intro and you haven't come across some of this in writing texts yet, it might help you achieve your goals.

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you're entering a story where the characters themselves already know most of the background, so why would it suddenly come up?

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Just know you're breaking a very hard and fast rule for good reading entertainment. What the POV character knows the reader must also know. So, if Caden knows who/what caused his pain, then the reader needs to know. If he doesn't, then the reader needs to know that. If the reader is in the POV characters head properly he/she should not be confused.

You may not like the rules but they're there for a reason. And remember that other rule: "You can't break the rules until you know them well." And even then, I'd suggest gently bending rather than snapping them off at the neck.

Do you know why this rule is important? If not, then you have no business trying to convince us this is good idea.

Also remember if so many of us are saying that it's confusing, then it's probably confusing. Not exciting, not entertaining. Confusing.

Editors will look for anything to stop having to read your work. Don't give them an excuse to shove it aside in the first sentence. Work at it and make them want to keep reading.

And go find wbriggs and ask him what he thinks about this. I can’t find it right now, but he’ll have a link for you.

Just a few language change rounds from me...take what you need from and leave the rest.

Caden Ellis flew across the hall and broke his right arm with a loud crack.

He gasped for breath and tried to push himself up with his left arm. Cold beads of sweat clung to his forehead. He looked around trying to focus, but no good - he saw nothing but green, formless shapes, dashing back and forth.

Don't withhold, just tell me. See, all the lovely discussions on this issue in Open Discussions.

Dropping us into this moment might not be the best way to start. Can you start a second or so before so that the reader can get oriented and then his being thrown across the room makes sense to the reader?

If you start here and like this, many readers won't get to the thirteenth line. I wouldn't.

Just tell me: http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002716.html