posted
The day I Fell from Heaven was the best day of my eternal life.
Naturally, I didn’t recognize this at the time; my hindsight was ever better than my fore. Impatience and pride in life earned my entrance into the lowest echelons of the angelic choir, and the same found a way, even in Heaven, to get me expelled from that celestial abode (Impatience and Pride, I’m certain, both received honors from their master that day.)
One may wonder how I could be so sanguine (pardon the pun) about being thrown out of Heaven after just barely squeaking into it in the first place. Let’s just say that… Perdition made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. =====
The reader will find out quickly that the narrarator is Seth deAngelo, vampire (a Fallen Angel, or Fallen). The story is pretty much just an idea floating around in my head right now--I plan to use part of my week vacation coming up to do some outlining. I plan to do two PoVs: one by Seth, and the other by Sophie, the female protagonist. What is the general consensus regarding multiple PoVs? Should I or shouldn't I? I rather like reading two PoVs, although I tend to get confused after more than three. Opinions?
posted
Hi. I liked the first line very catchy. It definately hooked me in and introduced the tone of the story very quickly. Naturally, I didn’t recognize this at the time; my hindsight was ever better than my fore [sight}. Impatience and pride in life earned my entrance into the lowest echelons of the angelic choir, and the same {?more needed here) found a way, even in Heaven, to get me expelled from that celestial abode (Impatience and Pride, I’m certain, both received honors from their master that day.) - is this ncessary?
One may wonder how I could be so sanguine (pardon the pun) about being thrown out of Heaven after just barely squeaking into it in the first place. Let’s just say that… Perdition made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. - nice final line.
not much else to say I would be interested in reading more. lianne
[This message has been edited by limo (edited May 21, 2007).]
quote:Naturally, I didn’t recognize this at the time; my hindsight was ever better than my fore [sight}. Impatience and pride in life earned my entrance into the lowest echelons of the angelic choir, and the same {?more needed here) found a way, even in Heaven, to get me expelled from that celestial abode (Impatience and Pride, I’m certain, both received honors from their master that day.) - is this ncessary?
Thanks for the input! I'll have to think about how to reword the "hindesight vs. fore" (because I don't care for how "foresight" flows in the sentence.). However:
quote:"Impatience and pride in life earned my entrance into the lowest echelons of the angelic choir, and both found a way, even in Heaven, to get me expelled from that celestial abode (Impatience and Pride, I’m certain, both received honors from their master that day.) - is this ncessary?
As far as the parenthetical phrase at the end--I believe it gives a sense of the types of characters the reader will be encountering in the story; a bit of a C.S.Lewis-y touch. Too much of a touch? I haven't actually written it yet, so it's no big deal. Also, I've been reading some Robin McKinley, who's gotten awfully parenthetical lately, so that might have rubbed off.
quote:The day I Fell from Heaven was the best day of my eternal life. [Good Hook]
Naturally, I didn’t recognize this at the time; my hindsight was ever better than my fore.[<--unnecessary] Impatience and pride [in life<--unecessary] earned my entrance into the lowest echelons [of the angelic choir<--unnecessary], and [the same<--unnecessary] found a way[, even in Heaven,<--unecessary] to get me expelled[.][clutter and redundant--> from that celestial abode (Impatience and Pride, I’m certain, both received honors from their master that day.)]
One may wonder how I could be so sanguine (pardon the pun) about being thrown out of Heaven after just barely squeaking into it in the first place.[<--unecessary. This line should end the 2nd paragraph-->] Let’s just say [that…<--unnecessary p]erdition made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.
This way you can deliver the attitude without the redundancies and get on with the story. I was prejudiced by you telling us it was revealed quickly that Seth deAngelo -- who I don't yet know -- is soon revealed as a vampire. I think, without that blurb, I would have had a different reaction to this.
PS - I don't think switching PoVs will have a detrimental affect on your story, it's more common than you think. Just remember to put an * between the end of one PoV's paragraph and the beginning of the new PoV's.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 21, 2007).]
posted
So, like this instead? === The day I Fell from Heaven was the best day of my eternal life.
Naturally, I didn’t recognize this at the time. Impatience and pride earned my entrance into the lowest echelons, and found a way to get me expelled as well. One may wonder how I could be so sanguine about being thrown out of that celestial abode after just barely squeaking into it in the first place. Let’s just say...Perdition made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.
=== I know, I know--I can't seem to let go of the elipse (among other things.). Thank you for your input. Tell me though--what do you think you would have thought if I hadn't added the explanitory statement about Seth being a vampire? How might you have read it then?
[quote]My take:
quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The day I Fell from Heaven was the best day of my eternal life. [Good Hook] Naturally, I didn’t recognize this at the time; my hindsight was ever better than my fore.[<--unnecessary] Impatience and pride [in life<--unecessary] earned my entrance into the lowest echelons [of the angelic choir<--unnecessary], and [the same<--unnecessary] found a way[, even in Heaven,<--unecessary] to get me expelled[.][clutter and redundant--> from that celestial abode (Impatience and Pride, I’m certain, both received honors from their master that day.)]
One may wonder how I could be so sanguine (pardon the pun) about being thrown out of Heaven after just barely squeaking into it in the first place.[<--unecessary. This line should end the 2nd paragraph-->] Let’s just say [that…<--unnecessary p]erdition made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.
This way you can deliver the attitude without the redundancies and get on with the story. I was prejudiced by you telling us it was revealed quickly that Seth deAngelo -- who I don't yet know -- is soon revealed as a vampire. I think, without that blurb, I would have had a different reaction to this.
PS - I don't think switching PoVs will have a detrimental affect on your story, it's more common than you think. Just remember to put an * between the end of one PoV's paragraph and the beginning of the new PoV's.[quote]
From the thirteen, I would not have thought of him as a vampire, but as a fallen angel (demon that joined Lucifer's ranks).
What I suggested in My take, was (or should have been):
The day I fell from Heaven was the best day of my eternal life.
Impatience and pride earned my descent through the lower echelon and, eventually, my explusion from The Kingdom. So, why am I so sanguine? Well, let's just say perdition made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
The Kingdom should be a title that deAngelo gives Heaven, (in his own words) to further his PoV and attitude.
"...perdition made me an offer I couldn't refuse." begs for elaboration. The next paragraph should start with him clarifying that he's a vampire, what his name is, and give some clue as to the reason that he's telling the story.
What you have to be very careful of is: from it's inception, this story teeters on cliche. You want to strike a powerful statement from the beginning that this is not just some re-hashed vampire story.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 21, 2007).]
posted
Oooh, that's an interesting way to look at that scene, but not quite where I was going with it. Although...hmm. Well, it gives me more to think about. Nothing's set in stone at this point, after all.
quote:What you have to be very careful of is: from it's inception, this story teeters on cliche. You want to strike a powerful statement from the beginning that this is not just some re-hashed vampire story.
You are so right. And it's exactly because of all the cliche'd vampire stories I've read that I wanted to write one of my own (and then I read Robin McKinley's Sunshine and Stephenie Meyer's Twilight, and realized that someone had already done a pretty decent job, but I WANNA DO IT TOO, DANGIT! )
Hence the idea that vampires are fallen angels who can either choose to follow their "natural" condition and be damned forever, or to grasp what is, essentially, a second chance at salvation and do something useful for the good of humanity with their "vampire" powers. It's different than the stories *I've* read, anyway.
Thanks, IB--I appreciate your insights, and I really like "the Kingdom" idea. I might just have to use that.
posted
I like "best day of my eternal life" (although practically speaking, how can it be the best day if there is never an end...thus a new best day can happen sometime in the eternal future?)
Hmmm... I'm not a big fan of the hindsight better than fore. I like the wording, but it seems too much "tell not show" and you already say 'I didn't recognize it at the time' so it's the hindsight thing is just repeating what you already told us.
Impatience and pride don't make me think 'this person is heaven material!' though I think it is interesting that the same thing that got the person into heaven also got them out of it.
Expelled makes me think of school.... even more so because of Harry Potter, so suddenly I'm seeing a heavenly hogwarts ^_~ and I'm not a heavy HP-fan so it's not like I just have that on the brain
"the same found a way" makes it sound like the impatience and pride have a personality and even ulterier motives o_o! (ha, maybe this is good since they are then personified! )
I don't really care for the words 'celestial abode'...sounds a little too stuffy? Makes it sound to me like heaven is a place you'd want to leave (at least, I would I'd want to picture someplace more airy and relaxed and lovely)
I know perdition can be used in that sense, but I first think of perdition meaning ruin/desutrction so the sentence sounds a little awkward at first ("ruin made me an offer I couldn't refuse")
The personification of perdition/impatience/etc and the Fall stuff makes me think of Sandman and I'm a sucker for that type of thing
posted
ZB--thank you for your thoughts! The stuffy "celestial abode" actually kind of fits Seth--he's a bit on the stuffy side. And I was going for personification of Impatience, Pride and Perdition, so I'm glad you caught that bit. Posts: 12 | Registered: May 2007
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Example -- though not perfect -- of establishing you "fallen angel" idea, that it's a vampire story, and hold true to the attitude:
"I was an angel, until I learned of the power I could wield when I was filled with human blood," said Seth deAngelo. He stopped rocking back and forth in his straightjacket and smiled at the psychiatrist whose question he answered. "Then I said to myself, 'To hell with the Kingdom. I'll start my own.' I know, I know, Lucifer was supposed to have the monopoly on alternate worship..."
"So, if you're an angel," the doctor asked, "how did you get caught?"
"Caught?" Seth asked. He couldn't hold in a burst of laughter. "This is like take-out for me."
posted
lol - the irony is, I don't really like vampire stories. BTW, I wasn't trying to tell you how to, but show you an example. For some reason, my mind got stuck on you "getting past the vampire story cliche", and this was the brain-fart it spat out. I thought I would share, like gas-passers often do.
Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
I feel your pain when it comes to the whole "rehashing" dilema. It always seems like I find a "genius" story idea, only to discover one day that some selfish/greedy well known author has already written it *sigh* Ah well, such is life. I say, write what you want to write and your own unique personality will make it something special... or thats the hope.
Posts: 346 | Registered: Feb 2006
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