posted
This is a story I have been developing for many years. These first 13 lines are an attempt to engage a readers sense of curiosity more than anything else. The story itself is a trilogy, though I didn't originally plan things that way.
A half human unwillingly accepts to save his world from the effects of a devastating war. He is motivated to do so only after he learns that he can avenge the murder of his father by participating, though hr resents being used.
This is a story about time paradox as well, because the protagonist goes into the past later in the book. The beginning of the book contains signs that he is already in the trap of his future self's intentions (those having been executed 500 years in his worlds past).
A bit cliche, perhaps, but he has to use a special sword, purported to be the instrument which their gods created their world. It is revealed that he is the only person living the sword will consent to be used by.
It's a long story with three phases. The first illustrates the protagonist at his worst faults, consumed by a sense of revenge which causes him to make mistakes he may not have with a more relaxed mind.
The second book teaches him humility as he tries to survive the consequences of his obsession with revenge in a world that resembles a kind of Hell. He fulfills a prophecy while he's there, and then begins the third part.
One of his most key allies has been corrupted by power and has enslaved the world. In order to avert the terrible events that happened, the protagonist goes back in time to change the fate of a people whom he believes will help turn the tide (laws of magic/ownership cause this group of saved people to inherit the power the betrayer has misused).
After all this concludes, there is a scene many years later where the protagonist is confronted by the spirit of his world, it's guardian. This being had been the one to force the protagonist into action, and he came to collect on promises which had been made. Unwittingly, the protagonist had been tricked into giving a promise which condemned his entire bloodline (he now had three sons) to the service of protecting their world from harm. Horrified, the main character is unable to prevent it.
The light of the sun was peering through an oddly green tinged sky, seeming to watch intently as a furtive figure wended his way through the back alleys of a great city. The figure gave a mental sigh of relief as he melted into the thick bustling crowd of one of the many main business avenues there. So much the better. It had been a rough day, a harsh start to the new regime. He had been lucky to leave that snake of a mans lair with his life intact. Still shaken from the experience, the man kept his senses alert to signs of pursuit. Sironas’s lackeys did not appear to be trying all that hard. Good. He was not surprised to find his home on the corner in a state of violent disarray.
First off, I didn't read the summary. As for the thirteen lines...
My take:
quote: The light of the sun was peering through an [oddly green tinged< Why was it oddly green-tinged?] sky, [seeming to watch intently<--Can't picture this. I can picture it "seeming focused on a..."] as a [furtive figure<--Who? Male? Female?} wended his way through the back alleys of [a great city<--Too ambiguous. What "Great City?" Does this city have a name?]]. The [figure gave a mental sigh of relief<--How can I be expected to feel I'm inside his mind, when I don't know if this is a "he", "she", or "it" yet?] as he melted into the [thick<--Pick one-->bustling] crowd of one of the many main business avenues there. [So much the better.<--Who's thinking this? Last I knew, we had THE SUN'S PoV?] It had been a rough day{For whom?], a harsh start to the [new regime<--Eh? What New Regime? What is wrong with the old one? How was it a harsh start?]. He [Who?] had been lucky to leave that [snake of a man[']s<--What "Snake of a Man"?] lair [What lair?] with his life intact. Still shaken from the experience, the man[Who?] kept his senses alert to signs of pursuit. Sironas’s[Who?] lackeys did not appear to be trying all that hard[Trying all that hard to do what?]. Good. He was not surprised to find his home on the corner in a state of violent disarray.
It's kind of thick with adverbs and adjectives, but the voice is nice.
I couldn't tell it was a "Swords and Sorcery" fantasy from the beginning. I didn't get a definate time-period out of it. It "felt" more like a modern city, like a contemporary fantasy.
You need a solid PoV to tell the story from.
It seems like you are inentionally delaying certain mundane revelations. Careful exposition would reveal the protagonist's name, sex, race, species. Also the protagonist's. What bothers me more about this, though, is it's like you are unsure of what you want to do, so are keeping everything ambiguous.
Trim some of the excess and clearly define the important details, and you'll already have the hook.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 27, 2007).]
posted
Welcome to Hatrack! Kind of exciting, submitting your first 13 for critique, huh? Kind of gut-wrenching too, in my experience.
I like your summary... it seems to cover a lot of ground, some of it well trod (special sword, spirt of the planet) and some of it an interesting addition to the mix (time travel is a mostly fantasy setting... new to me anyways). It seems very ambitious. My only suggestion here would be to not over focus on the fact that you have a trilogy to tell your story over - people will never read books 2 or 3 if they didn't like book 1, and if I understand correctly, your MC displays his worst characteristics in the first book. If it's dealt with sensitively and with a keen eye towards character, it should be alright. Are you finished? How far along are you?
Now, for your first 13.... it was actually a tad short. 11 lines, I think? That's alright of course, but sometimes that extra line or two can offer teriffic detail to a reader. Don't be afraid to leave us dangling in mid-sentence. At the very least, that dnagling might be enough to get us to turn the page.
quote:The light of the sun was peering through an oddly green tinged sky(1), seeming to watch intently(2) as a furtive figure wended his way through the back alleys of a great city. The figure gave a mental sigh of relief as he melted into the thick bustling crowd of one of the many main business avenues there. So much the better.(3) It had been a rough day, a harsh start to the new regime. He had been lucky to leave that snake of a mans lair with his life intact.(4) Still shaken from the experience, the man kept his senses alert to signs of pursuit(5). Sironas’s lackeys(6) did not appear to be trying all that hard. Good. He was not surprised to find his home on the corner(7) in a state of violent disarray.
1. Why is it odd that the sky is green tinged? If the sky is always green, then there's nothing odd about it. If it's an odd effect of sunset, does it have some special significance that isn;t being explained here? Would it be better to leave this detail out if it doesn't contribute anything to the story?
2. The sun was watching intently? So, we're viewing this scene from the sun's POV. Okay.
3. Now we're at this figure's POV - this sentence is his thought, and the sun, observant as it might be, could not see inside of his head. You should probably decide which POV to stick with, and which to discard, and unless the sun is a major character, I think it should be obvious which is which.
4. This sentence is a little bit confusing. I had to reread it a couple times to completly get the gist of what you were trying to say. Rewording it a bit would help to clairify your intent, because confusing the reader at this early stage of the game is just going to make them want to put it down.
5. If we're in the man's POV, why doesn't he have a name yet? Doesn't he know his own name?
6. I assume Sironas is the snake of a man who was mentioned earlier. Using his name in that earlier sentence isn't a bad thing. If your MC escaped from his lair, a reasonable writer could infer that the MC and Sironas don't get along too well in social gatherings.
7. Does it matter that his home is on a corner? Does he have other homes? Is this how he distinguished them from one another? The one on the corner, the one up on the hill, the one with the broken toilet. Let us know his house is on a corner (if you feel you need to include this detail) by having him see it, not by having him comment that his house is the one on the corner, because he is essentially talking to himself, and he already knows it's on the corner.
I hope this helps! Don't take my comments too harshly - there is quality in here, it just needs to be buffed up a little.
posted
Okay, the beginning is very decriptive, but it doesn't, at leas to me, give the feeling of a fantasy book. It seems a bit vague.There's a great city with no name and some guy (is this the main charictor) trying to stay hidden and some new government. Describe the main charictor, is he human, elf, goblin or what? Where is the city and why is the government so harsh? You say it's a busy city so it feels more like a today type of book. Anyway, I hope this helps a bit and welcome to the group. Chastity
Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Thank you all for the advice given so far. 13 lines isn't a whole lot to set the stage with, but if I'm lucky it might be enough to make someone curious enough to turn to the next page.
I've reworded the 13 lines a bit. They are part of my book when the idea struck me for a half decent way to start it the way I wanted to. That bit about the point of view of the sun was merely a device, probably used in poor taste.
Also, I had reservations of stating this as a trilogy for the same reason you see. I never intended my story to take that path, it was supposed to be one huge volume. Over time my ideas developed more and more. I'd like to disclaim the implication that I'm only doing a trilogy because it's popular to do so. I'm not that shallow, and thats not the kind of person I am.
As for the ambiguity of those first 13 lines, the story does get much less so as you read on. It's understandable and it isn't easy to tell otherwise without reading beyond 13 lines. I've written as much as 215 pages (and over 100k words) in one draft of the first book. The story of this book and the events that follow it have already been envisioned (I've been sitting on this for far too many years).
Would any of you be interested in reading beyond the first 13 lines? ____________________
The sun glared down balefully upon the furtively moving figure in the alleyway, angled just so that the light fell full on him, exposing him. Riak gave a mental sigh of relief as he melted into the thick bustling crowd of one of the many main business avenues there. So much the better. It had been a rough day, a harsh start to the new regime. He had been lucky to leave Sironas’s lair with his health intact. Still shaken from the experience, Riak kept his senses alert to signs of pursuit. That snake of a man’s lackeys did not appear to be trying all that hard. Good.
As he rushed round the bend before his house, was not surprised to find it in a state of violent disarray. The meager little apartment had been torn to pieces in an exhaustive search.
posted
I didn't read the summary - I like to go into a first 13 blind, like someone randomly plucking a book off a shelf.
First off, ditto on Wolfe_boy's sentiments. (You beat me to them, you rascal!) So I'll try not to repeat them, but take his with double emphasis since I'm behind him, agreeing.
Here are some other particular things that stuck out to me as nails that need hammering:
quote:
The light of the sun was peering through an oddly green tinged sky, seeming to watch intently as a furtive figure wended his way through the back alleys of a great city.(1) The figure gave a mental sigh of relief(2) as he melted into the thick bustling crowd of one of the many main business avenues there.(3) So much the better. It had been a rough day, a harsh start to the new regime.(4) He had been lucky to leave that snake of a mans lair with his life intact. Still shaken from the experience,(5) the man kept his senses alert to signs of pursuit.(6) Sironas’s lackeys did not appear to be trying all that hard. Good. He was not surprised to find his home on the corner in a state of violent disarray.
1. I hate to say it, but I feel it needs to be said: Starting out with this cinematic POV with a furtive figure slipping through a city is cliché. And without describing the city, I have no concept of time or place. The sentence itself is also pretty passive, and you've personified the sun (I think in an effort to make poetic prose - which is always a good goal but a tricky one to achieve) in a way that doesn't read very well. 'Peering' and 'seeming to' turn me away. The whole first sentence feels like too much of a flag waving to readers to say: You should be watching this intently, if the sun is! It's a dramatic scenario, but hard to do in written form. I'm afraid I would have put the book down here.
2. Do people actually mentally sigh with relief? I know I don't. Describing his feeling of relief - rather than just a mental auditory effect - would engage the reader more. (And not be an over-used turn of phrase.)
3. Despite what I said about the furtive figure being a cliché, when done well, it's a fantastic staple of fantasy fiction. When he melts into the crowd, I get excited - but I'm disappointed not to be drawn into his perspective. I want to see the people, feel them jostling by, and experience the thrill of moving undetected through the city streets.
4. I want to hear more about this regime. Is it his habits that've changed, someone he works for? This needs context.
5. I want to know way, way, way earlier in the passage that he's still reeling from a close call. Now that's a hook.
6. How is he keeping his senses alert when he's still shaken? This seems like lazy writing, or the suggestion of some awesome kind of mental focusing powers. If the latter, I want to know more. Measured breathing? Magic? Etc.
You said you want your first thirteen to incite curiosity. Perfect, that's exactly that the 13 should do. But in print, vagueness frustrates more than anything else. If this were a script, what you have would be okay. But without anything being projected on a screen, we need more narrative detail to stir up that curiosity; present us with tantalizing information, don't withhold it. There's a little too much telling from afar, not enough showing and engaging the reader in the main character's head and heart.
I like the kernel of the story here, it just needs a stronger opener.
EDIT Oops, I see this managed to go up right after a re-post of your 13. I'll wait until some other critiques have a chance at it, and then I might comment again. It wouldn't be fair to immediately point out I still see the same things I didn't like, since this critique just went up.
[This message has been edited by Marzo (edited August 27, 2007).]
posted
To differ slightly from my fellow 'rackers, Novels in my opinion can get away with more foilables than Shorts but not many more.
Also the second 13 is far better than the first.
To the (second) first 13, too many adjectives and vagarities seem to make up for using what amounts to summary narration. Somebody somewhere (maybe OSC) used this example to tell the difference.
It goes something like this:
Summary = Johnny walked to the store.
Direct Narration = Leaving the alley and turning on the brick paved sidewalk that ran along Main Street, Johnny waved to Mr. Bishop as he passed in front the Barbershop's large window. After stopping to pet Joey Calloway's dog at the corner of 1st and Main , Johnny crossed the street and entered Mercer's Grocery, the only small town store left in the county.
See the difference?
More over you also seem to be confusing POV/voice.
In the first first 13 you have the Omni-Narrator voice down but not the Omni-Character voice. While I realize the "cinematic" viewpoint is meant to allow alot of backstory, I feel in both first 13s you've not given me any backstory. While the second first 13 is better with the narrator voice, I feel jilted because it feels that instead of strictly staying to the Omni-POV, you are now in a Limited POV with out a paragraph break.
Taking out your adjectives and thoughts, the plot of this first 13 can be summarized as "Riak moved through the crowd to avoid being followed." While again this is a novel and you do not have to develop the story as fast as in a short, it does help to ensure tension in this opening scene.
In my opinion, first 13's should not be that easy to summarize, they should take at least three lines because enough context clues (not info dumps, context clues) should be present so as to tantalize the reader with possibilities.
I don't want to say "show don't tell" but to add a sense of the dramatic here, add in more sensory details and less adjectives. Use colors, sounds from animals and from haggling, smells from the street vendors or from the animals or from the whatever.
Have a street vendor shove a fruit or a brass lamp in his face (maybe have him see someone following in the reflection). Open Air markets are not staffed by meek salespeople, especially not if the vendor thinks you're an easy mark.
Maybe this guy isn't an easy Mark or just looks poor, give the reader this detail to allow them to better picture.
This story does show promise but before I commit to a full 200 page reading (I still owe G-Bus Man his stuff), I would like to know more about this story and am willing to give this story a 5 page read to see if it develops fast enough for me.
[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited August 27, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited August 27, 2007).]
posted
Thanks for that bit about my deviation from my POV. I think what I was originally aiming for was the Omniscient Narrator. I also appreciate the analysis of my technical faults in such detail. Perhaps that will help me to avoid repeating mistakes I might have otherwise made blindly.
Perhaps I should rewrite those opening paragraphs again but from scratch. Beginnings are delicate, and unless I can get this story to have a compelling one the chances are much lower than any publisher would bother reading more than a sentence or two.
No one here should worry about my shoving the 200 page manuscript down their throats. My story has developed a lot since then, and I can no longer use the material except for some very basic reference. I remember the important parts anyway.
I don't have a whole lot written of my idealized version, but I have the entire trilogy planned out, as well as stories that happen afterwards to my protagonists descendants.
The setting is an even stranger one than you might imagine. The world they live in resides in a pocket of space that is little better than a prison. Their world does not exist within the conventional confines of time and space. The only reason this is significant is that, while it's nearly impossible to leave, travelers of the stars may per chance find themselves stranded there. These star wanderers are not human.
I'll be responding later with a new 13 lines that hopefully will be irreproachable.
I'd also like to say thanks again to all who have posted. I can be objective about these things so I don't have a whole lot of trouble looking at this things without getting offended. It's important to be aware of reader reactions. Also, it's difficult to be all so upset with someone over the internet (at least for me). I can't begrudge the right to tell me what I'm doing wrong when that's just what I was asking for to begin with.
quote:I'll be responding later with a new 13 lines that hopefully will be irreproachable.
If there's one bit of advice I could give you at this juncture, it would be to not worry too much about an irreprochable first 13. While it is true that without a good opening it can be difficult to get an agent or publisher to take a good thorough look at your manuscript, it is impossible to sell them an incomplete one. Don't worry so much about the beginning, and just get on with writing the rest of your story. You're about 100K words in.... that should be a healthy portion of your first book, but likely not all of it Work on finishing that first draft to completion of the first book, and then worry about going back and getting the beginning right.
I personally like cinematic POV openings. As OSC says, the first paragraph is "free". If you want to have the cinamatic POV, though, you should stick with it the whole first paragraph. It's disorienting to switch halfway through.
quote: If there's one bit of advice I could give you at this juncture, it would be to not worry too much about an irreprochable first 13.
Work on finishing that first draft to completion of the first book, and then worry about going back and getting the beginning right.
For most of this, I concur. Even if you end up using the first draft an an extended outline, finish the story first. Without the story, you have nothing to write. Then, re-ead it and decide what PoV would do it the most justice. Whose PoV could the exposition benefit the most from (eliminate info-dumps and unnecessary withholding), and which would engage the reader the most?
However, you don't have to finish it with an omniscient narration or voice. You can switch to a character's PoV on a 1st draft/outline -- anything to lay the complete story down. Just don't do that with the next draft.
posted
High in the heavens the sun gazed through the greenish veil of the sky down upon a great city of white stone and circular buildings. A furtive figure was wending its way though a maze of side streets and gave an audible sigh of relief as it melted into the thick bustling crowd of a business road. So much the better. It had been a rough day, a harsh start to the new regime (the fifth since He had risen to power). Riak had been lucky to leave Sironas's lair with his health intact. Still shaken from the experience, he marshaled his tattered resolve and tried to keep calm. He needed to have his senses alert to signs of pursuit. Though that snake of a man's lackeys did not appear to be trying all that hard... Good.
The point of view still changes in the middle. The change happens after he sighs, after the birds eye view of him is caught.
The advice on giving details on just how busy the people around Riak are is good, but I think to do it I might need to do it perhaps just beyond the 13 lines (before he reaches his house).
[This message has been edited by Areshkasi (edited August 28, 2007).]
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