posted
These were the first thirteen of my novel from last Nanowrimo - feel free to wail away:
The August storm beat against the windows as Elvira tried to settle the children.
"Little Joseph, it is time to take a rest. I will be right here, so just lie down."
The crack of thunder shook the cabin and the children squealed.
"Hush. The storm will pass. Now lie still and sleep."
Elvira pulled the curtains closed against the grey sky, now starting to grow light. She sat in the corner of the room and picked up the book of accounts Emma had given her.
Fifteen minutes later the children were all soundly sleeping, and the last set of numbers were tallied neatly and precisely. Emma would be pleased.
Elvira quietly stood up and shut the door behind her. She
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 17, 2007).]
The writing is good, as usual. The storm was mildly interesting, but I would have to read further to be hooked. Luckily, the writing felt strong enough that I would keep writing.
quote:Fifteen minutes later the children were all soundly sleeping, and the last set of numbers were tallied neatly and precisely. Emma would be pleased.
This is where it felt like it weakened to me. No conflict or detail, so it wasn't that interesting to me. Unless it becomes important later, I would recommend dropping the information about the book of accounts and just move into whatever is next.
posted
Cool feedback. For this Nanowrimo I am invoking the Zokutou Clause and writing a revision of the same story I wrote last Nanowrimo. Here is the beginning (first 110 words) of the new story (different POV, starting 1837 instead of 1840, workshopped and revised and all kinds of stuff I didn't have benefit of last November):
Nathan brought the ax down on the fallen apple tree again, severing the last limb from the splintered trunk. In the silence that followed, he heard the creaking of the front door.
He looked up, hoping to see Joseph Smith in the door. But the somber faces of the men who filed silently from the home dashed his hopes, filling him with dread.
A whispered comment reached Nathan as the men passed him. “I remember Joseph preaching here in Kirtland six years ago, after being beaten, tarred, and feathered. To see him unable to lift his head...” The voice faded.
posted
I skipped my usual line by line critique because structurally there are no major flaws.
However, it's very skimpy on the descriptive narrative. I usually overlook this if the scene has action or good dialog to hold my interest. Unfortunately the scene lacks action and the dialog is not strong enough to stand alone.
Everything that has happen so far feels arbitrary because the sense of time is shrunk significantly because the lack of descriptive narrative. And your narrative summary condense time even more, reducing the effectiveness of whatever scene you previously wrote. You went from storm to good accountant in two seconds.
I think you either have to flesh out the scene, to let the reader get to know Elvira, or put all of this in a short narrative summary.
posted
Not much more to add to what hteadx said - I had the same impression. This is reportorial - feels like we are being held at a distance rather than getting right in there and engaging with some conflict or interesting dialogue. It's too tame - whatever conflict or threat there is needs to be amped up.
"Nathan (set - this is awkward, how about "clenched") his jaw and picked up the ax (again - delete.)
"...filling him with dread." Stronger if you describe a physical reaction that will show us he is filled with dread.
posted
I'm amused because the first version (children, storm, account book) was my first attempt at fiction, like, ever.
The second set of lines (posted here a few weeks ago) was the result of intense back and forth with OSC himself after I finished boot camp this past August. You can see the evolution at my blog.
When I posted the set of lines OSC liked, they got ripped apart here. The adjective "visciously" is probably not warranted.
The set of lines I posted in the third post of this thread was the result of a workshop I took at Capclave this past weekend. I had the chance to have my off-the-top in 10 minutes version critiqued by three published authors, the editor of a professional SF magazine, and a professional reader. I discussed my revised lines with the author heading up the workshop and the editor later that day and they both liked the piece. A lot. Despite not having a strong hook.
I figured the hook for the novel would be the blurb: "In the 1830s the Mormon leader Joseph Smith attempted to restore ancient biblical marriage practices, including polygamy. Few people understood, least of all his wife. Daughters of Heaven uses the Jewish storytelling form of midrash to examine the last five years of Smith’s life as seen through the lens of one of his plural wives and her ‘pretend’ husband."
posted
Ironic, isn't it? OSC liked the second set, which clearly places Joseph Smith in the story. He's a Mormon. He knows the religion and the source, and probably had insight.
The reason I didn't comment on this is because I'm not a Mormon. I have no reserves of information with which to base any conjecture on. I think that, unless you're a Mormon, you may not understand some things.
1) Everyone but Nathan and Joseph Smith are nameless.
2) How many people "filed silently from the home"?
3) What home?
The way it looks, the ambiguously whispered comment is in the past tense when spoken (six years past), and Nathan looks surprised. That is a harder hook.
Neither one of these--unless you are a Mormon--has much promise of anything happening. I understand that this will be more drama (Character story) than anything, but I don't see much characterization.
I think you've got to give a novel more than 13 lines, or one page, to hook you. That said, I am not your target audience.
quote: ...critiqued by three published authors, the editor of a professional SF magazine, and a professional reader. I discussed my revised lines with the author heading up the workshop and the editor later that day and they both liked the piece. A lot. Despite not having a strong hook.
remarkable credentials noted ... so why exactly are you asking us?
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 18, 2007).]
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