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Author Topic: The Plank Road
Antinomy
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The first 13. Comments? Would you read on?
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Five-year-old Mentie had to pee, but it was raining so hard she couldn’t get to the outhouse. The path was flooded with deepening puddles and Momma would get upset if she muddied her shoes or her white pinafore. She crept into Momma’s bedroom to use the chamber pot under the bed, but there was such a commotion of activity. Folks were in and out, scurrying about, hollering at anyone. She couldn’t do it with everyone watching. No one saw as she edged sideways over to the darkest corner to sit and watch, legs firmly crossed at the ankles. Momma was having a baby and she wanted to see. Aunt Min and the helper ladies seemed so angry and nervous. It was best not to draw their attention. But when Momma screamed out loud it scared her, she almost wet herself. Instead, she cried silent

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 19, 2007).]


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DebbieKW
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No, I wouldn't read on. The story starts off with this girl really, really needing to use the bathroom (which isn't high stakes, though it did make me want to go use the bathroom). Then that need suddenly seems to disappear and the story is all about watching her mom give birth. The writing is decent, but I have no confidence that you aren't going to jerk me around and change the focus of the story yet again. Is the part about needing to pee even necessary? Also, why does the girl want to watch the birth so badly that she responds like she does rather than leaving the room? Also, I don't feel like I'm in her head and so can't really sympathize with her desires. This may be a personal preference, though.

More specific thoughts, based on what I thought as I read the story:

quote:
Five-year-old Mentie had to pee, but it was raining so hard she couldn’t get to the outhouse. I'm envisioning a horrible storm that physically prevented her from going to the outhouse The path was flooded with deepening puddles and Momma would get upset if she muddied her shoes or her white pinafore. Oh, so it's only the puddles and her momma, not the storm, that is the problem. *Revising image in mind* She crept into Momma’s bedroom to use the chamber pot under the bed, but there was such a commotion of activity. So there are a lot of people in the house? Also, this almost reads that the girl went under the bed to use the chamber pot. Folks were in and out, scurrying about, hollering at anyone. Including her? What's all the fuss about, then? I feel like the TV is mute, or that peeing is so important that nothing else matters. She couldn’t do it with everyone watching. Huh? Oh, I guess the activity is all in Mamma's bedroom, though why is everyone in there? Did they come in to watch the girl pee? If not, then why didn't she try to use a chamberpot in someone else's room? Why didn't someone tell her to go elsewhere if something else is going on? No one saw as she edged sideways over to the darkest corner to sit and watch, legs firmly crossed at the ankles. But everyone was watching her just a momment ago. And is she going to pee in the corner sans the chamber pot, then? If she needs the bathroom so badly, why is she hiding out in the corner? Momma was having a baby and she wanted to see. I thought that she desperately wanted to pee, so much so that she tried to get the chamber pot out from under the bed of a woman giving birth. What happened to change that focus when she still hasn't found relief? Aunt Min and the helper ladies seemed so angry and nervous. It was best not to draw their attention. Um, how did she not draw their attention back when she tried to use the chamber pot? But when Momma screamed out loud it scared her, she almost wet herself. Instead, she cried silent tears, knowing they’d make her leave if she fussed. If she's scared, but doesn't she leave? You've given no complelling reason for her to stay and several for her to want to leave.

[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited October 19, 2007).]


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wrenbird
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I have to agree that I was kinda turned off by the whole pee buisness. I feel like you were introducing it as a means to get the girl out of bed, so that she hears the commotion, so that she witnesses her mother giving birth.
I like the opening of a child secretly watching her mother give birth. So, can't you just have her wake up to the sounds of the commotion and go investigate? Either way, she sees the birthing.

We all want to go "there" with the MC when we read a book, we want to see what she sees and feel what she feels. We want new experiences. And, I don't know about you, but I pee alot on any given day, and it's nothing new, or nothing I am eager to experience vicarously in a novel.


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WouldBe
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The outhouse and chamberpot quickly establish a time and setting for the story, but you can get there more quickly, emphasizing the more important story elements:

Five-year-old Mentie crept into Momma’s bedroom to use the chamber pot because it was raining out, but there was such a commotion of activity. Folks were in and out, scurrying about, hollering at anyone[one another?]. No one saw [noticed] as she edged sideways over to the darkest corner to sit and watch, legs firmly crossed at the ankles....

I do worry, like Debbie, about the POV. If Mentie is not the main character, then this opening will seem odd later on. If she is the MC, you may want to quickly introduce another character to interact with Mentie so her voice becomes known.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 20, 2007).]


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