posted
OK, I can take a hint. Or, at least, I’m about to find out if I can. Forget the prologue/quote; here's the beginning of the story itself, presented with the permission of our kind moderator.
quote:Even history will be ill-placed to say which “gift” of the Sages has hurt my beloved world, Valadost, more: the Master-Shard or Impêrum. With the former, a slab of crystal that magnifies their powers to unimaginable degrees, the Sages enslave lands, bodies, and minds. But with the latter, a mere board game that obsesses any who take up its intricacies, they enslave what remains: hearts. My Master, the First Sage Uduvai, who has grown to despise the Shard, seeks to bury it forever. If only he could do as much to Impêrum. My Master and I have gained this mountaintop named Malanath, from which there is no escape. Already gasping from the long climb, I am made more breathless by the morlings that circle overhead. Sharp-eyed, long-beaked Sage-spawn, they shriek for
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 23, 2007).]
posted
Personally, I don't think you need to have it in quotes, going by what I see here. It sounds like a first person narrative to me, so you could drop the marks completely. Though, that may not work in the context of the full story, I admit.
Also, if you have a quote within a quote, such as with "gifts", I think the standard is to use single quotes inside (in the US, I think it changes elsewhere.)
"...to unimaginable degrees..." didn't work too well for me, personally. It felt rather trite and weak to me. I guess sayings like that always bothered me because obviously someone is imagining them for the story to exist--and the imagination seems a bit unlimited to me. (Yes, I'm taking it too literally, but that's my take on it.)
Honestly, it sounds like the Shard is much more important than a board game. To me, it's like saying, "I don't know which destroyed America more--World of Warcraft or the hundred nuclear missiles they dropped on us." I would be waiting for clarification of the character's feelings.
I like that you gave the master a name, even though the character generally thinks of him as just "my master."
The writing is good, I didn't have any other problems with the prose itself. I'd like to know a little more about the protagonist very soon, if not already, but there is a bit of character in the last paragraph and in the descriptions.
I did wonder why the morlings aren't attacking if they're thirsty for their blood and can see them now. Why did only one attack (so far.)
posted
It's still slow going reading through this. I liked lehollis's comment about world of warcraft. THAT resonated with me. It gave me an immediate and clear picture of the idea. Yours was buried in words that were dead in comparison.
If you have to open with info instead of story - that 1st paragraph -- why not turn it into philosopy? A riff on this board game and how it destroyed whatever. Make it interesting details. Like the opening of Harlan Coben's JUST ONE LOOK, the opening paragraphs of chapter one. Your info is just too darn dense! Lighten it up word wise. Make it mean more than the words on paper (or, on screen).
And, you spend so much effort on the board game -- it might work better also if you have some sort of segue from the board game to why they are on this peak. I know you segued from the game to destroying the Imperum...but that is something we don't yet have a feel for at this point. The game to being on the mountain top would work better -- my opinion only, of course.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited October 23, 2007).]
quote:Even history will be ill-placed to say which “gift” of the Sages has hurt my beloved world, Valadost, more: the Master-Shard or Impêrum.
When you use the word even it feels as if your dropping the reader in the middle of a conversation.
quote: With the former, a slab of crystal that magnifies their powers to unimaginable degrees, the Sages enslave lands, bodies, and minds.
I would drop the 'with the former' and be more direct and just say 'Master-shard'. However, if you did this to show that your MC is a rambler than keep it because it characterizes your MC early.
quote: But with the latter, a mere board game that obsesses any who take up its intricacies, they enslave what remains: hearts.
Same as above.
quote: My Master, the First Sage Uduvai, who has grown to despise the Shard, seeks to bury it forever. If only he could do as much to Impêrum.
I hope these two sentences help tie this paragraph to the rest of the scene because right now I don't see a smooth transition from this info dump into the scene.
quote:My Master and I have gained this mountaintop named Malanath, from which there is no escape. Already gasping from the long climb, I am made more breathless by the morlings that circle overhead. Sharp-eyed, long-beaked Sage-spawn, they shriek for
I feel the transition from your short narrative summary to this scene is not smooth. I get the feeling they are on the mountain to destroy the Master shard. However, they could be on the mountain to play Impêrum. It's unclear how the previous paragraph relates to this paragraph or scene.
I feel your first paragraph is just backstory. It may be important backstory but it reads like an info dump, which I could ignore if your info dump smoothly transitions into the related scene. Unfortunately, I don't feel that it does.
It's obvious that the Master-shard and Impêrum play an important part in your story, and I don't feel a short narrative summary is an effective way of conveying just how important they are. You can easily write scenes showing the destructive power of both or you can show the aftermath of their destructive power. That way the reader can form their own opinion on which is the more destructive force. Otherwise, you may need to strengthen the characterization of your MC, so that his/her narratives hold more weight with the reader. Right now we have no idea who this MC is.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
