Oh, and if you want to know what I mean by 'again,' I've been working on a fantasy novel for years, and I typed this beginning about five minutes before posting it here. I'm also one of those I-will-type-the-entire-thing-from-beginning-to-end people. I don't do scenes in the middle and then try to figure out how to connect the dots.

I hate dots. Anyway, here it is.

I’m going to hurt someone if I don’t stop, I thought, scowling. I forced my taloned hands back into my lap and tried to ignore the crack in the stone. If I kept picking at the thing, the whole shelf would give way, and I would probably ride the thing all the way down to the center of the Council Chamber, crushing everyone in my path.
Well, I thought, it wouldn’t crush anyone. It’s not even as wide as I am tall.
Of course, I still had to stop; the Council was meeting, and smashing someone’s tail would be the wrong way to get attention.
“You look annoyed,” whispered a small blue sitting next to me. I frowned; of course Drenkai would notice.
“I am,” I admitted. “I need to leave, and Aykolan won’t stop looking at me.”

Okay, that's it. Any thoughts?

(edited when I saw that the UBB code actually works)

You have italics and I thought. It's a bit overkill, IMHO. I suggests drop the I thought..

quote:

---

“You look annoyed,” whispered a small blue sitting next to me.

---

I'm confused as to what a small blue is. Is this missing something?

As for the 'small blue,' I intended to make that clear in the next few paragraphs, but I suppose that leaving out such a detail would put off any publishers I sent this to.

Well, Here's a second run at it, with your suggestions in mind (thanks for those, by the way).

I have trouble visualizing what is going on.

I am glad you dropped the 'scowling' in your revision. I was unsure if it was POV violation as a scowl seems more something you see on someone else. I am often not aware of my own expressions but would be more aware of how I was feeling e.g. annoyed.

Do I take 'taloned hands' as meaning I have talons (a claw...not just the nail bit), or my nails are long and therefore my hands resemble talons? I am unsure.

Shelves are on the wall usually (and not very big) yet if your MC continues to pick the crack it will'.... give way, and I would probably ride the thing all the way down to the center of the Council Chamber, crushing everyone in my path.' I am not sure where the MC is to begin with. Is he(?) in the hall, above it, to one side?

Do I have a name? Do I have a sex?

By the end of your intro it is clear I am a dragon, but I am still unsure of exactly where I am. I think you need to firm up the surroundings and instead of mentioning the 'taloned hands' (to cue us you are a dragon) which is confusing opt for a tail or scale reference instead. Or just call them talons.

This is the reason that most of my intro attempts don't take place in the Council chamber, but rather at some point before the meeting takes place.

Of course, I also moved a vital element of the story from 'before' the intro to 'after' the intro to reduce how much has to be explained and to give people a better view of the MC before he gets thrown into the events that make up the main story. That element is, however, vital, and moving it about quite literally changes the date of birth of another very important character.

Thanks for mentioning that thing about the 'scowling' part; it made me remember that most people aren't aware of their expressions like that (I am, but I'm highly unusual in that, so...).

Your question about the 'taloned hands' part is also great, since (as you pointed out) it could mean more than one thing. I'll have to find a way to mention other features first so that the talons are more easily envisioned... or I need to find a better phrasing for it.

About the shelf - I mainly included it so that the crack could exist, letting the MC pick at it (a classic sign that someone is bored or annoyed or something is picking at something like that, at least in my experience). I'm probably going to remove that part, and the shelf thing entirely, since the ways I had emphasized this emotion in other versions of this story seem to work better; by the time this scene occurs, all it takes is the MC thinking about how stupid the event is, or whatever (I usually start the story somewhat before this event). The whole thing about riding the shelf down to the center of the chamber is because the crack is severe, and the shelf itself is close to coming off of the wall entirely.

This shelf will not be in future revisions, it rather disrupts the setting. Since I will likely move the intro to an earlier time, in a different place, the shelves have no purpose. Even if the intro stays here, though, it won't be overly difficult to remove them in favor of something simpler.

Regardless, the MC is at the outermost edge of the chamber, and whatever he's doing, he does not want to end up at the center.

As for the question of whether the MC is in, above, or to one side of the chamber...all three, in a way.

I don't know a great way to describe the chamber from within the narrative, but I suppose telling you here will be easier.

Think of those pyramids in South America, the terraced ones. Imaging one that is perfectly round, extremely large, and with dozens of terraces. Now, flip it upside down, stamp it into the ground, remove it, and put a rough dome over the impression. Thatis effectively what the interior of the chamber looks like. The shelves would be tacked on afterwards, though still of stone, but that doesn't matter since I've now decided to remove them entirely. There are better ways to do what they were intended to do.

The MC is 'in' the chamber in that it's all one room, and he is in it. He's 'above' it in that he's on the highest level (of course, I just now realize that I can call them terraces within the narrative as well.... Grr). He's 'to one side' in that he's at the outermost edge of the chamber.

As for name and sex, I don't see anywhere to include gender-revealing anything in this intro. However, I do see a good place to stick a name, so my next run will have the (first) name of the MC - assuming I don't scrap this intro and go for a different scene taking place before this whole event.

Now for the final thing - the MC is not actually a dragon (thus why I dont go for scales, wings, tail, or just plain old talons right off in this). Since, I totally see how you would perceive otherwise, though, this is now another reason I'm thinking of scrapping the intro for a different scene. It's really challenging for me to come up with a way to describe the MC in this setting, since he's not moving, thus he's not really thinking about his physical form (a factor in his life that constantly bothers him, since there is literally nothing else in his world with his features, and within the universe, no one race has all of his features).

Woo for having the MC be an unintentional result of an unforeseen reaction between two very different spells cast by very different races.

Anyway, thanks for all of the feedback, it's really helping me to see what needs improving in my story in general - and that I should stop trying to start the story here when it would be so much better to start it several days (at the very least) before the event.

I've officially decided, this intro is scrap. I will put up the new intro once I have it; hopefully I will be able to reveal more information in it, without making an infodump the size of the moon.

Hmm, I think that my train of thought is almost tangible in this post...

Oh, and as for the character's name, it's Kirona. Yes, like my screen name. No, I don't want to be teased about it.

I'm sorry about that, I tend to ramble.

I'm rambling again, so.....

Perhaps you should start your story differently.

e.g. I suppose you could call me a mistake--not in the sense that my parents didn't want me. Just that they hadn't planned on me becoming what I am--but then neither had I. When magics mix the results can be...well, unpredictable to say the least.

Blah, blah. Obviously you would need to make it hooky etc, but you MC isn't human so some explaination of what he is required if he isn't something else I know. Either that or simplify, make him a dragon!

Supraturlte - I'm wondering what makes you think that the MC is a child, and what all that is about the fantasies escaping the id and emotions and such. I'm also wondering, no offense, if you read any post beyond the initial one before you posted, since you mention being confused by the 'small blue' when post #3 (my second revision) says 'small blue dragon' instead.

**NOTE**
As I said in earlier posts, I have scrapped this intro. For clarity, the new version will be in a separate thread as soon as I get one that works, aka attempt number 18 or thereabouts.

General advice is still highly appreciated, but in all honesty, specific critique will be wasted unless I somehow decide to return to this intro attempt at a later date (which is highly unlikely).

(edited for a spelling error)

As far as how much I scrap when I decide to scrap, one of the 18-ish attempts so far had gone as far as the 11th chapter. Every time I scrap something other than the latest part of something, the whole thing goes. I can't get anything to work with major modifications...

Of course, that may very well have been because I was reading it at 3:30 in the morning....