posted
This is a sci-fi story I have been thinking about alot lately. I'd appreciate any feedback on the writing. Mostly, I want to know how easy it is to understand. Seems like I might be dumping too much on at once. It's called Project Sagittarius, as the topic implied. (Though I just noticed that I misspelled it.)
“So what are they doing to you? Doesn’t look like they’ve cut you open or anything, so you aren’t a splice. Can’t be a spine spider like me or there’s no way you’d be moving so early. Have they stabbed you full of blood infusions…?” No reply. This kid was a real gift, I could tell already. “Look, you ain't doing yourself any favors with the silent self pity, okay? Get straight to hating em, like me. That way you can skip a step. At least give me a name or something. Can’t keep calling you 968 like that ear tag you got says. I’m Dreedo, by the way. Been in the Project for three years.” Two plain brown eyes looked up at me at last. First sign that he’d even noticed I was there. “I have a headache.”
[This message has been edited by D-Negative (edited November 21, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by D-Negative (edited November 21, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by D-Negative (edited November 22, 2007).]
posted
I really liked it. Certainly hooked me. Why? That might be helpful feedback. The use of terms that the character clearly understood which were unusual, and I wanted to read on to find out what the terms meant.
posted
Very nice. The only thing I would say, and it's wouldn't really work in this instance, is to spell out numbers rather than just typing them numerically.
Of course, like I said, I don't think that it would work in this case, since 968 is simpler to read then nine hundred sixty eight, or nine six eight, or whatever.
Hmm, maybe I should just leave my post to a simple compliment, since I seem to be babbling, but...
I'm trying to be helpful, honest, but I can't see anything here that I would say is a definite must-change. Just something that I would change because I'm picky.
posted
I would say spell the numbers. Nine-six-eight would be how I would do it.
Otherwise I like it. I would read on. Spine spiders sounds interesting. Sounds like a surgical device.
I do feel you are lacking in description of the surroundings. The dialogue isn't enough for me. It's almost as though I am blind and can only hear voices.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 23, 2007).]
posted
968: I'd describe the tag so you can get around the whole second-line-of-the-check thing. I mean, 968 is a name--a symbol in context here, not a number. Treat it as such. You read numbers, but you see symbols. Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002
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