posted
This is the first thirteen for my military/sci-fi novel attempt. My first novel attempt at that. I am around 13,000 words into it (mostly first draft). Looking for any advice you can give me.
It was a few minutes before 1500 when Colonel Kyle Martin strode into the office. Even in his class B uniform he made sure you knew he was a Marine through and through. Ramrod straight back without the effort that it would seem to take and eyes that constantly moved, taking in every detail of a room. He exuded the confidence of a senior officer and the wariness of a man used to danger.
General Davies took a deep breath and prepared himself for this meeting. He had never seen Col. Martin shaken, not under fire, not even during the hearings that he was required to oversee some six years earlier. If that had gone differently, he would be hard pressed to imagine Col. Martin still in uniform, and that would mean that this meeting and indeed this mission would be much, much different.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 03, 2007).]
posted
Welcome to Hatrack where advice is plentiful, cheap and above average. This was a pretty good first 13. I see that you got demoted by General Woodbury.
My main comments are to trim the fluff from the text a bit so you can restore what General Woodbury deleted, and perhaps find a way to give a bit of a hint about the mission I presume the marine will be asked to perform.
<trim> [add]
<It was a few minutes before 1500 when> [Just before] 1500, Colonel Kyle Martin strode into the office.
Even in his class B uniform <he made sure you knew> he was clearly a Marine through and through. Effortless, ramrod[-]straight back <without the effort that it would seem to take> and eyes that constantly moved, taking in every detail of a room. He exuded the confidence of a senior officer and the wariness of a man used to danger.
General Davies took a deep breath and prepared himself for this meeting. He had never seen Col. Martin shaken, not under fire, not even during the hearings that <he>[Davies] <was required to oversee> [oversaw] some six years earlier. If that had gone differently, he <would be hard pressed to>[couldn't] imagine Col. Martin still in uniform, and <that would mean that> this meeting and indeed this mission would be much<, much> different. [The mission to remove Martian vampires from the Suez Canal . . . .]
I like some of those edits, and will continue to tighten it up.
A little pacing explanation. There is a point of view shift between chapter 1 and the rest of the novel. Colonel Martin is the main character, but I wanted him introduced through another character's point of view, that is why there is more description of Martin than action at the beginning.
I also wanted to introduce the mission to the readers when it was introduced to Martin. The mission in question is an escort mission to a first contact situation with aliens, but that is only Act I of the story.
You may want to put "1500 hours" just for clarity even though in the military you typically don't write the "hours" after the time. Not everyone who reads it is in the military.
...when Colonel Kyle Martin strode into the office. Even in his class B uniform...
At this stage, you may want to mention something that indicates what a "Class B" uniform is - not everyone will know immediately (kind of the same argument about using brand names to avoid having to describe something).
For example, "Even in his Class B uniform with his ribbons and awards aligned perfectly, he made sure..."
(not that good, but hopefully you see what I'm talking about)
It almost sounds like you're saying that the Class B uniform naturally makes him look less like a Marine since you say "Even...he made sure you knew..." Even though it's a Class B, I think that uniform undoubtedly tells everyone "this guy's a Marine" (unless it's wrinkled and soiled with yesterday's lunch - highly unlikely).
...he made sure you knew he was a Marine through and through. Ramrod straight back without the effort that it would seem to take and eyes that constantly moved, taking in every detail of a room. He exuded the confidence of a senior officer
He is a senior officer, so I think "exuding the confidence" of one is a little vague. If he were a lieutenant, it may make better sense to say this.
and the wariness of a man used to danger.
General Davies took a deep breath and prepared himself for this meeting. He had never seen Col. Martin shaken, not under fire, not even during the hearings that he was required to oversee some six years earlier.
Who oversaw the hearings - the colonel or the general?
If that had gone differently, he would be hard pressed to imagine Col. Martin still in uniform, and that would mean that this meeting and indeed this mission would be much, much different.
Not real sure what you're saying here. The sentence is a little awkward in my opinion. Did the hearings go well and Col. Martin was allowed to stay?
Overall, it's good. Not extraordinary, but there's nothing that would stop me from reading on. It's well written and interesting enough. Hope that's helpful.
It was a few minutes before 1500 when Colonel Kyle Martin strode into the office. Ramrod straight back without the effort that it would seem to take and eyes that constantly moved taking in every detail of a room, he exuded the confidence of a senior officer and the wariness of a Marine used to danger.
General Davies took a deep breath and prepared himself for this meeting. He had never seen the Colonel shaken, not even during the hearings that Martin was forced to endure and he was required to oversee some six years earlier. Eight million civilians killed in one hour.
Davies sighed heavily. If that had gone differently, he would be hard pressed to imagine Col. Martin still in uniform, and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 11, 2007).]
The reason I chose to check out your passage is because you mentioned it was from a military/SF manuscript; I'm working on a few SF stories myself, so my interest is obvious. One rule I attempt to put into play is to let the reader know immediately that they're reading a SF story...although I'm not claiming to have mastered it yet myself. Now, if the SF influence is ultimately minor in your story, my tip might not seem all that important, but a few SF fanatics might get bummed when they finally draw the conclusion---however incorrect it might be---that they're reading a mainstream-esque military novel. Just a thought...if the sentence "Eight million civilians killed in one hour" refers to something that happened in a SF context, consider slipping mention of that in the first 13 lines...that would definitely keep me interested.
The first act of the story is about a first contact situation, and as such there isn't too much "Sci-fi" until that takes place. It is more "military/sci-fi" than "sci-fi/military" I guess, particularly at the beginning.
I am wanting to establish the character of Martin as a man to be taken seriously. His past and his reasons for his decisions will play a major role in the development of the plot.
quote: It was a few minutes before 1500 when Colonel Kyle Martin strode into the <-- you miss a chance to tell me it's General Davies's office.
Ramrod straight back without the effort that it would seem to take and eyes that constantly moved taking in every detail of a room, he exuded the confidence of a senior officer and the wariness of a Marine used to danger. <-- too heavy and all you are doing is building a sterotypic Marine. You can say that with - "Martin was the kind of man they put on the Marine recruitment posters" - and convey the same information in less space.
General Davies took a deep breath and prepared himself for this meeting.
He had never seen the Colonel shaken, not even during the hearings that Martin was forced to endure and he was required to oversee some six years earlier. Eight million civilians killed in one hour. Not sure how this helps you. Bad things happened 6 years ago. - If you said, something like - "This was going to be worse than the Congressional Hearings Martin endured over the deaths of eight million civilians" - now it feels like a connected thought and not an info dump to me.
Davies sighed heavily. He does a lot of heavy breathing. First the deep breath and now the sigh. Just something to watch.
If that <-- what?? had gone differently, he would be hard pressed to imagine Col. Martin still in uniform, and
The last sentance seems to be back history too. Keep me routed in why the General wants to see the Martin. I suspect your hook is a few lines after this. Tighten up the POV so DAvies is only thinking thoughts he naturally would be and dive into the current action. There is enough time in a novel to get the mass murders out if they are relevant.
Good luck
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited December 13, 2007).]
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