Dear Agent:
I've recently completed a 90,000 word novel of supernatural suspense, which focuses on the early life of Vlad Dracula. In this richly drawn portrait of the life of infamous vampire, The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes tells the sweeping story of an extraordinary man who has the power to change the face of Europe forever.
The story begins in 1431, high in the Carpathian Mountains. A Black Dragon sleeps, as he has done for 100 years, sated on the blood and horror that was the Crusades. Then the winds bring Black Radul tidings of a child – the son of a minor prince in a backwater country, who has the power to sweep Europe back into another Dark Age, and postpone the Renaissance for centuries. If Radul can bind the boy to him before the other Great Dragons of Europe gobble him up for their own purposes.

All IMO.

You're not limited to 13 lines for queries. You're not trying to publish the query.

Dear Ms. Agent:

I've recently completed a novel of supernatural suspense that focuses on the early life of Vlad Dracula. In this richly drawn portrait of the life of the infamous vampire, The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes tells a sweeping story of an extraordinary man with the power to change the face of Europe forever.
The story begins in 1431, high in the Carpathian Mountains. A Black Dragon sleeps, as he has done for a hundred years, sated on the blood and pain of the Crusades. Then the winds bring Black Radul tidings of a child – the son of a minor prince in the insignificant country of Wallachia, which borders the Black Sea. Vlad has the power to cast Europe back into another Dark Age, and postpone the Renaissance for centuries. Radul's goal is to tie the boy to him before the other Great Dragons of Europe can manipulate him for their own purposes.
When Vlad is singled out for induction into the Holy Roman Emperor's powerful and secretive Order of the Dragon, the ceremony gives him strange new powers . . . and binds him to Radul, the Black Dragon of the Carpathians, in an unholy servitude that Vlad can neither accept nor escape.
This sumptuous tale travels from the debauched and glittering Nuremburg court of Sigismund, the Holy Roman Emperor, to Adrianople, and the hashish-soaked harem of Murad II, the Grand Sultan of the Ottoman Turks.
The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes combines the actual events of the life of Prince Vlad Dragula with the myth of Dracula, to tell the tale of an exceptional man at the center of a whirlwind of magic and evil, seeking to insure that the world remains in the hands of the mortals it was created for, no matter what the price.
Please let me know if there is anything further I can do to facilitate your consideration. Sample chapters and the full manuscript are available at your request.

Sincerely,

Deb Hoag, Ph.D.

It's very good. Grand, sweeping canvas. Some suggestions:

"The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes" -- as a title it seems to suggest this is one of a series of books. I think it would be a good idea to make it clear if this is one book or one of several. Also, I believe it's common to include a word count for the book in the query letter.

I agree with Annepin--take out the "richly drawn" and "sumptuous" and let the prose speak for itself.

"This sumptuous tale travels from the debauched and glittering Nuremburg court of Sigismund, the Holy Roman Emperor, to Adrianople, and the hashish-soaked harem of Murad II, the Grand Sultan of the Ottoman Turks." -- I found this sentence hard to digest because it introduces so many facts. Maybe, instead, "This tale travels from the debauched and glittering court of the Holy Roman Emperor to the hashish-soaked harem of Murad II, the Grand Sultan of the Ottoman Turks." (But that's not quite right either, because although the Holy Roman Emperor has been mentioned previously, Murad's new--and should perhaps either be introduced earlier or deleted from this sentence.)

It's probably just me (you are so much better read than am I) will the agent be aware that Prince Vlad Dragula was a real person? (I'm assuming from the way you refer to him that he was.) Maybe, "The Dragon Awakes combines events from the life of the real Prince Vlad Dragula with the myth of Dracula, "

And a nit: "binds him to Radul, the Black Dragon of the Carpathians," -- we know from the previous para who Radul is. (Although I did have to pause and figure it out.)

Oh, and inverted commas around the book title?

Hope this helps, and good luck with it,
Pat

"...and postpone the Renaissance for centuries." Using this sentence would mean that Radul knows that a Renaissance is coming. I never got the impression that he could see the future. Casting back into the dark ages achieves the same thing, except without the need for prescience.

I'm also unsure what is meant by dragons, as they are currently mentioned in the book. Are we talking honest-to-goodness dragons? Having read the short that lead to this, I know that the Radul is a real dragon. Are there other dragons around Europe? You might be more upfront with this detail.

The second last paragraph ("The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes combines the actual events...") sounds more like book jacket copy than a query letter. There should be some way to incorporate this info without sounding blurb-ish.

One final comment - "facilitate your consideration" is really just fancy word play. I'd reword.

The idea sounds solid, though. Glad the novel is working for you, deb!

Send 'er over.

Deb, you've got me hooked. I like the Dragon and Vampire inter-relationships. Definately forging into new territory. I've some nits on the query but nothing substantial.

If you are in no rush, you can send a chapter or two my way. I need to edit something I'm collaborating on and dump it on * ahem, forward it to my co-author for comments - and one other short to crit but after that . . .