posted
You never think it will happen to you. Mom-purse. Yet there I stood rifling through my long-since stylish bag for my card and all I came up with were old shopping lists and about five pounds of crumpled receipts in a gum and lozenge sauce. Humph, there it is. As I swiped my card I remembered how I used to scoff at my own mother’s overflowing purse, and how I used to admire my own fashionable bag’s Spartan tidiness. “ATM or Credit?” the clerk interrupted my thoughts. I stared at him blankly. “ATM or Credit?” he repeated.
Thank Stella for the working title, but it's a first draft, written during my baby's naps 2 days last week, and a few minutes this morning, is 9,669 words, about 2.25 chapters, nowhere near done or ready to peruse, and a total blast to write! I'm having such fun!
So, I'd like to know if you find the first 13 lines "hook"-ie, if you think it's ponderously narrative, if you would turn the page, and if you find it relate-able- and/or anything else you'd like to add.
posted
Welcome to Hatrack, where advice is plentiful, cheap and above average.
Very nice. The writing is crisp, so I only have some tiny nits. I think you only used 12 lines, so you have one more to explain why Mom dozed off at the end. It would be nice to be given a little clue/hook where the story is heading. Some notion of the genre would help, too. Consider moving line 2, "Mom-Purse" to the first line. I think it would be funnier there and would give you yet another line to add the other information that I mentioned. That said, the writing was good enough that I would read on.
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WouldBe, Thank you for the feedback! I was totally sold on the "You never think..." line opening the book, but you've turned my head. I'm really thinking about it. I'll try it out, see what you think. I cut it there because I thought that was 13 lines, but I'll count it again and I'll throw in the rest. The book is sort of Sophie Kinsella-esque, sans potty mouth, as a stay at home mom. Your complementary response made my day! Thanks! Bree
[This message has been edited by SireneLitteraire (edited December 19, 2007).]
posted
Mom-purse. You never think it will happen to you. Yet there I stood rifling through my long-since stylish bag for my card and all I came up with were old shopping lists and about five pounds of crumpled receipts in a gum and lozenge sauce. Humph, there it is. As I swiped my card I remembered how I used to scoff at my own mother’s overflowing purse, and how I used to admire my own fashionable bag’s Spartan tidiness. “ATM or Credit?” the clerk interrupted my thoughts. I stared at him blankly. “ATM or Credit?” he repeated.
I counted again, and in 12 pt Courier New, it's 13 lines as is. That's standard ms format, right? If you want to read the rest let me know, but it's still a first draft.
posted
Sorry, I didn't explain myself. I wasn't talking about the order of the lines. I was talking combining them like this:
You never think it will happen to you. Mom-purse. or You never think it will happen to you: Mom-purse.
If I paste it into the submission box with that change, you have only eleven lines. (The 13 lines is defined as the lines "in the submission box," not your word processor. Blank lines aren't counted, so you can add them for presentation.)
Putting on my Hatrack hat: if you have a properly formatted manuscript with 12-pt courier font, the first page will have 13 lines (not counting title/author). Those 13 lines will fit exactly into the Hatrack submission form. And those 13 lines better be good and have a hook, or the dirty, rotten editor might not read page two.
posted
i just don't know who Sophie is - and a genre hint would be nice - i always check the cover art, back blurb, front blurb stuff because I want to know that things are going to happen. I look for clues that there will be action, adventure, mayhem, cleverness, bad jokes and/or supernatural spookiness. With romance. And the possibility of a serial read.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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Gotcha. Relieved, because after I wrote it that way, I dinna like it. So, to clarify, you suggest I put the 'mom-purse' bit on the first line to make room for more in my first 13, and because you think it would be funnier that way?
Also, I'm confused. I thought the 'first 13' rule was based on the 12pt, word-processed, courier format, and not relative to where you were posting it.
Thanks again, Bree
Deb,
Sophie Kinsella wrote all the 'Shopaholic' books in the chick lit genre. Sorry I wasn't more specific before.
It's women's fiction, so it’s relational, comical, and personal journey-ish. But funny. I'd say the hallmark of women's fiction is that it's candid and comic, relating to and validating the nerd/dork/geek side in every svelte, sophisticated woman in an uplifting way. Nice run-on, eh?
Sort of a departure from the fantasy/sci-fi base this site's got, but women's fiction can be fun too.
Question: would you consider the romance sufficient if it came from an existing relationship that didn’t have major conflicts (ie. a spouse in a great marriage), so that the romance is a flavor, but not the crux of the book? If it were more of a fun, stabilizing influence, not so much the reason our heroin is thrown off balance?
Thanks,
Bree
[This message has been edited by SireneLitteraire (edited December 19, 2007).]
posted
Bree, the reality is, if you post more than will fit in Hatrack's submission box, the moderator, Kathleen (She Who Must Be Obeyed), will whack the excess off like weeds in the roses. If you put too little, she will silently cluck her tongue at you. BUT, the Hatrack submission box is designed to hold exactly what a properly formatted first page of a manuscript will contain. It is also an amount you can safely post without sacrificing any publication rights. (If you post too much, a scroll bar will appear.)
Yes, the only suggestion I was lamely making was to combine the first two sentences into one, and use any extra lines to further the story/hook. I.e., the first 13 should be a page-turner.
posted
absolutely yes. I read chick lit with the women I work with. We actually keep it in a large tupperware container for trading. it's right next to the office chocolate. I think I have recently seen a book of hers, maybe in my own house. I'll look around and get in the mood. Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
If you're getting 13 12-point Courier lines from that on your word processor, you're probably using 1.25" margins or something. Standard MS format is 1". MSWord defaults to 1.25" unless you change it.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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I have NO interest in chick lit, but I'll be honest, this hook was entertaining to me (so maybe I have an interest in chick lit and didn't know it). The hook promises that this book is going to be funny.
And I actually like the original way you wrote those first two lines.
posted
The "trick" to posting is convert your file to single space Courier 12 pt. Paste the text into the topic box. If any lines scroll out of the box, you are over the 13.
posted
I liked this. It made me laugh out loud. I've had that moment which is why I have a tiny purse now. So, great job!
On to the nits -
quote:
You never think it will happen to you. Mom-purse. Frankly, I liked this as a separate line but it's your call. Yet there I stood rifling through my long-since stylish bag for my card and all I came up with were old shopping lists and about five pounds of crumpled receipts in a gum and lozenge sauce. You might consider breaking this into two sentances. Humph, there it is. As I swiped my card I remembered how I used to scoff at my own mother’s overflowing purse, and how I used to admire my own fashionable bag’s Spartan tidiness. again, you may want to break this up “ATM or Credit?” the clerk interrupted my thoughts. I stared at him blankly. “ATM or Credit?” he repeated.
Oh, I've so been there!!!
You tend to fall into very long sentances.
Sentance and sentance. Try to break them up or alter the pacing a bit because if the structure continues it might make the story a "heavy" read. I like the sense of the MC and her style of humor.
Keep at it. Hope the baby sleeps a lot!
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited December 20, 2007).]
posted
You never think it will happen to you. Mom-purse. Yet there I stood rifling through my long-since stylish bag for my card and all I came up with were old shopping lists and about five pounds of crumpled receipts in a gum and lozenge sauce. Humph, there it is. As I swiped my card I remembered how I used to scoff at my own mother’s overflowing purse, and how I used to admire my own fashionable bag’s Spartan tidiness. “ATM or Credit?” the clerk interrupted my thoughts. I stared at him blankly. “ATM or Credit?” he repeated.
WouldBe, Rickfisher, and Second Assistant:
Okay, seriously, I just adjusted my margins and everything, and that's still all I can squeeze into the 13-line box. Do you guys get anything else when you do it? Am I eating too many green bananas? Why am I not getting this?
WouldBe: You don't find it very page-turn-ie as is then? Or you're just wanting to throw another literary shrimp on my luscious 13 line barbie?
Deb: Most excellent! No surprise the chick lit and chocolate are together: female self-medication all in one spot. Efficient. They even sound sort of the same; maybe that's why we call it chick lit, it sounds yummy. Loved Sophie Kinsella's older stuff, but the longer she goes on the more often she reaches for the potty language. Maybe she's running out of regular words? New stuff is good, but too linguistically limited to monosyllabic words of approximately four letters each for my taste.
Wetwilly: Praise indeed! Thank you! And I agree with you about the first two lines. It's more fun that way. And welcome to the wonderful, slightly psychotic parallel universe that is chick lit!
Kings_Falcon: Yaaaaaaay! Hurrah! Huzzah! I'm so glad you liked it so much! Yippee! Okay, to the nits: I like what you suggested about breaking up my long and long sentences, but I'm having a hard time keeping the flow of the thought once I do. Any suggestions? Every time I try to bisect it, it gets yickie. Help!
"I like the sense of the MC" I dunna get the reference. I don't get out much. But THANK YOU for the feedback and the encouragement! (The little tyke is sleeping right now, bless him, that's why I'm here!)
THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! Bree
[This message has been edited by SireneLitteraire (edited December 20, 2007).]
posted
It read very well. I have so been there! I could practically smell my mother's purse while reading it, a mix of gum and leather and mints and paper.
Don't listen to me though, I'm the worst critiquer in the world because I don't critique I just comment when I like the story.
quote:WouldBe: You don't find it very page-turn-ie as is then? Or you're just wanting to throw another literary shrimp on my luscious 13 line barbie?
Bree, I liked it as you wrote it. The first thing I said was "Very nice." I was merely pitching ideas for you to consider, as I think everyone does. Some are fresh shrimps for the barbie, and some are stinkers. Fortunately, you have to sort them out, not us.
Okay, seriously, I just adjusted my margins and everything, and that's still all I can squeeze into the 13-line box. Do you guys get anything else when you do it? Am I eating too many green bananas? Why am I not getting this?
Strange. I start to edit your post (just so I can see it in the edit box, I wouldn't be able to save any changes I made), and it was only twelve lines. The only thing I can think of is that you've got some weird browser or something. What kind of machine, operating system, and browser are you using?
(Of course, adjusting YOUR margins shouldn't have any effect on what fits into the edit box.)
posted
If you're using a browser other than IE 6 or 7, this may be a clue. I use Firefox and I get 14 lines in the box instead of 13 for my posts.
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
That boggles my mind. There is another kind of browser, and it only sees 12 lines in the reply box?
URGH!
Bree, if you set up your manuscript with 1" margins, and set your font to 12-point courier, then count 13 lines of text and put that in the reply box (regardless of how it looks to you), you should be posting 13 lines by the rules of the Hatrack River Writers Workshop. Even if you think you've gone over, go ahead and put more in. (I can assure you that I or one of my assistants will cut it if it's too long.)
LOL! I love it! But, hey, you can't give me a great complement like that and then say not to listen to you, party foul! But I'm stoked you like it and found it an easy read. Thanks!
WouldBe,
LOL- you crack me up! Stinky shrimp! I'm glad you like it! Yippee!!!
Rickfisher, WouldBe and Kathleen:
"The only thing I can think of is that you've got some weird browser or something. What kind of machine, operating system, and browser are you using?" "If you're using a browser other than IE 6 or 7, this may be a clue. I use Firefox and I get 14 lines in the box instead of 13 for my posts" "There is another kind of browser, and it only sees 12 lines in the reply box.... Even if you think you've gone over, go ahead and put more in. (I can assure you that I or one of my assistants will cut it if it's too long.)"
Wow. That's great info, and I'm sure that would fix the problem if I spoke Techie. The machine, to the best of my knowledge, is a: computer The operating system: Word and the Internet The browser: me, but only when I have time, which isn't often.
The 'Techie' stuff runs in my family- my big bro even owns a wildly successful IT company that half of my family works for, but I’m a genetic throw back I guess. Oye.
Kathleen,
Okay, I'll post the next sentence too, so please hurry and whack off the excess before any publisher-types get wind of my nonsense.
posted
You never think it will happen to you. Mom-purse. Yet there I stood rifling through my long-since stylish bag for my card and all I came up with were old shopping lists and about five pounds of crumpled receipts in a gum and lozenge sauce. Humph, there it is. As I swiped my card I remembered how I used to scoff at my own mother’s overflowing purse, and how I used to admire my own fashionable bag’s Spartan tidiness. “ATM or Credit?” the clerk interrupted my thoughts. I stared at him blankly. “ATM or Credit?” he repeated.
Kathleen et al: Okay, according to Word, this is 18 lines, and 5 must be whacked off. According to this box, it's 18 lines, and 5 must be whacked off as well. When I post it, it's 12. What is it according to y'all?
Response from Kathleen: Well, now it's 13 lines according to what I see in the reply box. If that works for you, it works for me.
[This message has been edited by SireneLitteraire (edited December 21, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by SireneLitteraire (edited December 21, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 21, 2007).]
posted
Publishers don't check up on your 13 lines, that's just the rule we have here--to be fair to everyone. A properly formatted manuscript should only have 13 lines on the first page, though, so that's what we go by.
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posted
Um, the only other option I can think of right now is page size. Is that 8.5" x 11" (standard letter)?
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
Good start. Suggestions for sentence-splitting, plus:
Yet there I stood[,] rifling through my long-since stylish bag for my card[.] [Remove: and] [A]ll I came up with were old shopping lists and about five pounds of crumpled receipts in a gum and lozenge sauce.
Humph, there it is. [when I first read this, I thought "there it is" meant "that's just the way it is now." But now I get it -- there's the darn CARD!]
Repeating "how I used to" seemed cumbersome:
As I swiped my card[,] I remembered [how I used to scoff][how about: scoffing] at my own mother’s overflowing purse[.] [Remove: , and how] I used to admire my own fashionable bag’s Spartan tidiness.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited January 16, 2008).]
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