posted
Fantasy piece, looking for insight and possible readers it is a WIP.
I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships scuttled and left to rot with her honored crew aboard her. And here was the irony, I was soon to join their number, the so-called unremembered. The seas here were not blue, like I remembered, they were dull grey; quicksilver poured out across the seas, tainted by too many good men brought so unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.
The noose around my neck was beginning to chafe and I shifted my weight, instantly regretting it as the shift broke open one of the blisters from the rough, hand-twisted rope around my neck.
quote:I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships scuttled and left to rot with her honored crew aboard her.
I think "her honored crew about her" needs to agree in number with "the ships scuttled." "Her" is more poetic, but you can leave the second "her" by changing it to: ...the ships scuttled and left to rot with each ship's honored crew aboard her. This has the repetition of "ships," but the former had repetition of "her." Maybe you can find another solution.
quote: And here was the irony, I was soon to join their number....
Maybe the irony will be revealed later in the story but I didn't see it in the opening.
quote:The seas here were not blue, like I remembered, they were dull grey; quicksilver poured out across the seas, tainted by too many good men brought so unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.
I'm not sure if you're using "quicksilver poured out..." as a comparison or simile for "dull grey" (in which case I'd suggest a comma instead of a semicolon) or if is literally pouring out. In either case, I don't get the connection between the imagery and the human events. Maybe I'm daft (today!) or maybe you're trying to get too much into so few words.
quote:The noose around my neck was beginning to chafe and I shifted my weight, instantly regretting it as the shift broke open one of the blisters from the rough, hand-twisted rope around my neck.
I suggest deleting the concluding "around my neck" as the first one does nicely. For that matter, drop both because where else does a noose go? Also, the repetition of "shift" can be eliminated: The noose was beginning to chafe and I shifted my weight, instantly regretting it as the hand-twisted rope broke open a blister <on my neck>.
posted
Ty. Some times you can't see the forest for the trees.... Some of those are word substitution typos. (Thinking one word and writing another.) As to the repetition, the bane of my existence.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Word substitution typos are the bane of my existence. Worse, I substitute words while speaking, especially names of roads and people.
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quote: I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships scuttled and left to rot with her their honored crew aboard her you can probably delete this "them" unless you want the musical quality . And here was the irony not sure about irony - although maybe a comment about how after escaping thier fate once, he was there to meet it , I was soon to join their number, the so-called unremembered. The seas here were not blue, like I remembered Hu? . I kept asking remembered from when. , they were dull grey; quicksilver poured out across the seas Nice image , tainted by too many good men brought so unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.
The noose around my neck was beginning to chafe and I shifted my weight, instantly regretting it as the shift broke open one of the blisters from the rough, hand-twisted rope around my neck.
posted
Thank you, and that is only part of the irony. Part of it was that he HAD stood to hang once before, but also that he should have already joined their number in the fight... he had not planned to be taken alive....again... Will work on the one really bad line there.... Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships, each scuttled and left to rot with her honored crew aboard her. I was soon to join their number, the so-called unremembered.
The seas here were not the bright blue I knew from the Deeps, but rather, dull grey, like quicksilver poured out over the seas. The waters of the cove, and the shallows that surrounded it, were tainted by too many good men brought unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.
The noose was beginning to chafe my neck and so I shifted my weight. I instantly regretted the movement because it broke open some of the blisters caused by the rough, hand-twisted rope.
Yes, I like this still (and remember the previous versions).
If you could work back in the hook about he's escaped this fate before it might be a bit more hooky. I think his personality and the situation is a good enough hook. Although since I already know where this is going from the previous drafts I'm probably not the best person to comment on the "hook."
I'd offer to read but I still have 3 I'm trying to work on.
posted
The revised version is good. I liked some of the previous versions better, but at this point I'm afraid to comment because I want you to complete this novel someday rather than continue to rewrite the openning. Once you have a version of this novel that is complete and polished a bit, I'd be happy to read and critique it.
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posted
Debbie, trying to, I've gotten a little over halfway before I had to back up and retell the story. I was getting too far off topic, so I'm trying to start anew...
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posted
Even if you get off topic or off track, I still think you should barrel on through and get the first draft done before you start rewriting the beginning. Who knows, the off topic part might be the good stuff, but you never know until you finish it and see where it goes.
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posted
Well, it was a case of having to back up and start over because I wasn't just off topic but I contradicted myself too. So now I'm a little more plot conscious. I'm about half-way through the revised story now. A few more sessions and I should be done with the first installment. Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Just thought you guys might like to see the final draft version. Flag of Bones book one, is finished as a YA around a hundred pages, I'm splitting his journey up because otherwise it is too hard to tell the story.... on to the 13 lines....
I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships, each scuttled and left to rot with her honored crew aboard her. I was soon to join their number, the so-called unremembered.
The seas here were not the bright blue I knew from the Deeps, but rather, dull grey, like quicksilver poured out over the seas. The waters of the cove, and the shallows that surrounded it, were tainted by too many good men brought unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.
The noose was beginning to chafe my neck and so I shifted my weight. I instantly regretted the movement because it broke open some of the blisters caused by the rough, hand-twisted rope.
posted
Not a bad beginning, I like it. Just a couple nits:
"...squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships..." This was a little confusing to me as if I squint it tends to sharpen my vision, not blur it - especially looking toward strong light. Why do you want to blur the sight of the masts anyway? Or is the blur a result of squinting at the sun?
"The noose was beginning to chafe my neck..." But in the very next sentence "...it broke open some of the blisters..." This seems too much of a jump to me - going from beginning to chafe to blisters. Why not have the neck already raw and blistered and then, trying for relief, shifting and causing the blisters to break - or something like that.
posted
Actually, if you are squinting at something already in focus, it can blur it especially if the sun is in your eyes. As to why he wants to blur them, it goes back to the fact that He and his crew are about to meet the same fate, and his ship will be scuttled with them, the only thing remaining above the water is the top of the mast with her pennant so that everyone knows whose ship it is.
As to the rope thing... yeah, still working on it. Ditto for quicksilver. But for now I'm moving on to book two.
I'm coming in on this a little late, but I like it, so I thought I'd comment anyway.
Firstly, just gotta say that I really like your title. Anyway, the final draft near the bottom is definitely better than the original version. Just a couple of points:
'The seas here were not the bright blue I knew from the Deeps, but rather, dull grey, like quicksilver poured out over the seas.' - personally, I'd stick an 'a' in 'but rather, dull grey' (i.e. 'but rather, a dull grey' or 'but rather a dull grey'). I'm not sure why, it just seems to me like there should be one in there. Other than that, you've used the word 'seas' twice here. Unfortunately, you've used 'waters' (which was going to be my suggestion) in the next sentence, so I don't think there's much you can do about it.
'I instantly regretted the movement because it broke open some of the blisters caused by the rough, hand-twisted rope.' - I'd try to avoid 'because' sentences. It's like you're spoon-feeding the reader, in my opinion. That said, I'd consider changing this to something like 'I instantly regretted the movement; some of the blisters, caused by the rough, hand-twisted rope, boke open', or [if you'll forgive a slight rewrite] 'I instantly regretted the movement; some of the blisters under the rough, hand-twisted rope broke open'. For some reason, I'm tempted to put 'MY rough, hand-twisted rope' instead of 'THE [...] rope', though I think that's just a personal preference.
Anyway, I'd read on, and I'd like to look at some more of this if you're still sending it out .
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Once you have a version of this novel that is complete and polished a bit, I'd be happy to read and critique it.
