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Heth hated the rain—that slow, methodically pouring wetness that permeated the Western Reaches. What more, he hated being in the rain, and as he still had several days to hiss at the rest of the escort about it, he put his time to good use. Most of his men were abject about it—but as they were miserable about most things, Heth didn't pay much attention to the company morale. Indeed, the only individuals he actually gave some amount of attention to were the prisoners in his camp—and only because his instructions regarding them were so damnably suspicious.

“We want both of them alive,” his superiors had stated. “Alive and in good condition.”

“Right. What qualifies them as being in 'good condition'?”

“Conditioned for a healthy dosage of torture and inhumane"

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Please be brutal, especially those of you who are known for brutality on these boards.

Heth hates the rain, doesn't care about company morale, and the men are miserable. This would be much stronger if you wrote scenes in which action/dialogue demonstrated these characteristics.

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Please be brutal....

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I like it, but about one-third of the opening 13 is about rain. Rain might be important in the story, but it seems like it is just a minor annoyance to the characters, and so is not especially interesting when trying to build up to a hook. Maybe you could use some of the space to tell more about who the guards or prisoners are or where they are.

What more, he hated being in the rain....
I think this should be "What is more,...."

Good luck.

I'll probably work the rain out of it if I can--the description of the prisoners is coming up right after this dialogue; is that acceptable? Probably not...

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“We want both of them alive,” his superiors had stated. “Alive and in good condition.”

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Flashback in the first 13, it feels jarring to me. At first I expect his "superiors" to be there with him, until I notice the 'had stated'.

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Heth hated This right-off-the-bat alliteration irritates me the rain—in standard manuscript format, you should use "--" rather than an em-dash (in Courier, the em-dash comes out looking like a hyphen) that slow, methodically pouring wetness well . . . yeah, we know what rain is. All right, I understand that you're describing this particular rain, but . . . maybe it's the word "that." It makes it sound like rain is something peculiar to the Western Reaches, and the rest of us might be unfamiliar with it. Besides, the description adds little to our common knowledge. "Slow" is puzzling--not sure what you mean. "Pouring" and "wetness" are things I know already. Only "methodical" paints any sort of picture for me. that permeated the Western Reaches. I'd leave "Western Reaches" as it is. In his POV, he won't be thinking anything like "the Western Reaches of the Zumboggi Kingdom at the far side of the continent" unless he himself is not from the Zumboggi Kingdom. What's more, he hated The initial alliteration struck me enough that using the same word so soon (especially with alliteration again) feels repetitious being in the rain So is there anyone who dislikes rain and doesn't hate being in it?, and as he still had several days to hiss another "h" word in a prominent location, and it's not a good choice anyway. at the rest of the escort about it, he put his time to good use. Most of his men were abject about it the rain, or his hissing?—but as they were miserable about most things, Heth didn't pay much attention to the company morale. Indeed, the only individuals he actually gave some amount of attention to But "to hiss at" is a form of attention. Do you mean positive attention? Or what, exactly? were the prisoners in his camp—and only because his instructions regarding them were so damnably suspicious.

“We want both of them alive,” his superiors had stated. “Alive and in good condition.”

“Right. What qualifies them as being in 'good condition'?”

“Conditioned for a healthy dosage of torture and inhumane" Although this sentence is unfinished, it doesn't sound like it's going anywhere "suspicious." It sounds more like the instructions were "clear."

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On the other hand, I have no problem understanding what's going on--no clarity issues (other than the trivial ones mentioned earlier), no apparent grammar gaffes. This should be easy to tidy up.

On the other hand, using Heth to open the story gives a faster establishment of the setting and plot--though I suppose I could probably work the dynamics of the plot into the prisoners' POV fairly easily.

What more, he hated being in the rain,As has already been pointed out, this conveys the obvious and as he still had several days to hiss at the rest of the escort about it, he put his time to good use. Most of his men were abject about it—but as they were miserable about most things, Heth didn't pay much attention to the company morale. Indeed, the only individuals he actually gave some amount of attention to were the prisoners in his camp—and only because his instructions regarding them were so damnably suspicious.

“We want both of them alive,” his superiors had stated. “Alive and in good condition.”

“Right. What qualifies them as being in 'good condition'?”

“Conditioned for a healthy dosage of torture and inhumane"

Hmmmm..... what might be suspicious about those instructions? Ah yes, the part when the villain comes out and tells you exactly what's going to happen. Although I do like 'a healthy dose of torture'.

Often times less is more, let the readers use their imaginations. A line like, "Just make sure they have their tongues and the brains to operate them" is so much more chilling. And you know, actually suspicious.

Overall my problem with the passage is that it's all recollection. We don't have any impression of who Heth actually is. Try mixing actions in with memories. Show, don't tell. Have him wax through the rain to the prisoners tent. Have him brush off a complaint from a subordinate.