posted
This is the first 13 of a (nearly) completed novel. The genre is "light" fantasy (swords & shields & horses, no magic). This is the second draft; the beginning has recently undergone substantive revision. Any and all comments are welcome; I'm particularly interested in comments regarding the hook, readability, and style.
-------------------- Six years had passed from the time Manu’s older brother Mosi became a Judge. Manu had spoken with him twice since then. The first time was immediately after Mosi prevailed in his test for Judgeship. Manu pushed his way through the crowd, grasped his brother’s bloody, trembling forearms, and yelled his congratulations over the roaring cheers. They spoke for only a moment before other Judges hustled Mosi away to anoint him into the service of Thoth, the true God. The second time was two years later, after Mosi had been sent beyond the River to kill easterners. Manu was cutting hay in one of his Father’s fields. He heard Mosi’s voice hailing him, and, looking up, saw his brother astride a horse on the River Road. Mosi stopped for water, and stayed for dinner, captivating Manu,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 24, 2008).]
"...grasped his brother's bloody, trembling forearm." Bloody from what?
"...stayed for dinner, captivating Manu,,,with stories of vicious easterners..." How were they vicious? Battles? Torture?
There is not much hook here as I'm not left with a feeling of wanting to know what comes next. You write of a few incidents that would be better placed in the body of the story, IMO. I was interested in the part where you tell us about Manu pushing his way through the crowd. Then you quickly take us to another scene. I also wondered why Manu and Mosi had spoken only twice to each other in a period of years. Why not tell us why this is so?
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 24, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 24, 2008).]
quote:Six years had passed from the time Manu’s older brother Mosi became a Judge. Manu had spoken with him twice since then.
Ok, this is the "now now". I mean, this is the present, the time the real story takes place. Right?
I have no idea what "now now" is: what time that is, who is around, where it is or even if this is someone thinking.
quote:The first time was immediately after Mosi prevailed in his test for Judgeship.
quote: Manu pushed his way through the crowd, grasped his brother’s bloody, trembling forearms, and yelled his congratulations over the roaring cheers. They spoke for only a moment before other Judges hustled Mosi away to anoint him into the service of Thoth, the true God.
This is stuff that happened six years ago? Right now I have an interesting image of stuff that happened six years ago without having any idea of what is happening in the present time.
quote:The second time was two years later, after Mosi had been sent beyond the River to kill easterners.
quote:Manu was cutting hay in one of his Father’s fields. He heard Mosi’s voice hailing him, and, looking up, saw his brother astride a horse on the River Road. Mosi stopped for water, and stayed for dinner, captivating Manu, Father, and Mother with stories of vicious easterners and glory won in Thoth’s name.
This is stuff that happened four years ago?
I think the writing is very well done, no nits there.
I'm concerned about the jumping around. It took me a couple passes and I had to double-take the descriptive parts and match them up with the time line. As a reader I have no idea what is going to happen. Is the story going to continue like this for awhile (thinking back to times and describing them), is it going to return to "now now" or is it going to stay at four years ago for awhile longer?
I would recommend thinking about the possibility of including some sort of description for the present before jumping back to these descriptive elements of the past.
quote:Six years had passed from the time Manu’s older brother Mosi became a Judge. Manu had I had to stop right here and re-read the first sentence. Which one was Manu? Which was Mosi? There really is a reason for not using the same initial letter for different main characters. Having them be brothers makes it worse. Having both names be 4 letters makes it worse still spoken with him twice since then. The first time was immediately after Mosi prevailed in his test for Judgeship. I agree with halogen's comments about the "now now". However, I think it could be fixed by emphasizing more clearly that you are starting out talking about the intervening period. In other words: the first sentence, as is, brings us UP TO the present--then you go back. You might consider opening with something like: "In the past six years . . . ." That way, you've placed us in the "past"; you haven't brought us up to "now" yet Manu pushed his way through the crowd, grasped his brother’s bloody, trembling forearms, Obviously you don't want to put an infodump here, but you could give us a bit of information that Manu might be expected to have in his thoughts if remembering this: "his brothers forearms, bloody from the ritual bull's blood poured over them," or "from pulling the heart out of the sacrificial victim," or "from the thousand cuts inflicted by the departing eldest judge." and yelled his congratulations over the roaring cheers. They spoke for only a moment before other Judges hustled Mosi away to anoint him into the service of Thoth, the true God. The second time was two years later, after Mosi had been sent beyond the River to kill easterners. Manu was cutting hay in one of his Father’s fields. He heard Mosi’s voice hailing him, and, looking up, saw his brother astride a horse on the River Road. Mosi stopped for water, and stayed for dinner, captivating Manu, Father, and technically this is the end of your 13 lines--the rest carries you to the 15th Mother with stories of vicious easterners and glory won in Thoth’s name.
I think you'd be better off making both of these incidents minor scenes. Not only would they be more interesting in and of themselves that way, with more sensory detail, but you could also give us more information without dumping it, pulling us into your world more fully. You could also, probably, include some tidbits that would foreshadow upcoming events, making them more powerful.
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posted
Rick, Egyptians don't have a wide variety beginning letters.
J, if it has not magic or monsters, it's considered mundane and Historical Fiction. I went through that last quarter with my WOTF entry.
As to this snippet, it's an info dump. I don't know anything about Manu yet. Anything. Why should I care to be told about his brother Mosi's past? I think this should be applied when it becomes relevant:
If Manu is nervous while awaiting an audience with his brother, or being dragged before him accused of a crime...then I begin to see how it's relevant...
posted
I'll take a go at the first chapter. The intro needs work. A novel is long enough not to require a "six years ago" in the opening sentence.I don't even know when now is. Try starting with the fourth sentence and paint that scene well. Then you will have something.
Send over the first chapter. I'll make time to go over it quickly.
posted
Yeah, Rick, I agree. There are more than a couple, however, many were by meaning.
For example, Ahmose: Brother of Moses. And that was a pharaoh.
Lately, I've had cause to study Egyptian names. Of course, I made a special effort to use a wide variety of names--and choose names whose meanings fit some characteristic--but, even then, there has to be a few "M" names and "D" names and "S" names. Those are the most common letters. Djadao is--I feel--identifiably different from Duat. Though they have cause to be mentioned in the same paragraph or sentence, I tried to group them away from each other, intentionally--but characters cross paths. Though I could see how two four-letter "M" names (Manu and Mosi) could get confusing, the beginning letter makes less difference with a bigger syllabic gap.
posted
Some excellent and insightful crits helped me realize why this opening still wasn't working the way I wanted. I had an epiphany last night, in response to one particularly good crit (thanks, anne) and realized that what has been missing from this opening the whole time is some clue to the reader about where and when they are, and what their expectations should be. Here's the revision--I think I'm on to something, finally.
------------- The sun was relentless. Beyond the fertile valley of the Great River, the air shimmered even early in the day, as the parched earth tried vainly to rid itself of the brutal heat. The people who lived in this unkind country called it the land between the rivers. They called it that because they did not know it was once part of a place named Egypt, or that the Great River, which stretched across the desert like a gigantic green serpent, was once named the Nile. Armageddon, the great war that had decimated what used to be called the Middle East, was less than a shadow of a myth in their minds, and the terrible bombardment that had reduced the Red Sea to the stream they knew as the Bitter River had passed from all memory. The people who lived between the rivers knew only that the land was
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 28, 2008).]
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