posted
The arrows flew, and men fell. Then the men charged, slipping in the rain and mud and blood. Then they would get up again, the lucky ones. The unlucky ones stayed down with dozens of black barbed arrows. Lightning flashed, illuminating the scene, casting ghastly shadows in the visors of helmets and the pits of skulls. Then the light faded, leaving the only illumination the green lights emanating from the undead’s skulls and ribcages. Power centers for the black robed figures that controlled them like marionettes on strings. They wore masks, masks that had beaks, looking like carrion birds. It fit them. The battle was controlled by champions, warriors of magic and steel, rallying troops to charge in a clash of steel and screams.
my little bro wrote this and asked me to post it for oppinions.
what do you think? dark, no?
[This message has been edited by dreadlord (edited April 03, 2008).]
quote:The[Cut] arrows flew, and men fell. Then the men charged, slipping in the rain and mud and blood. Then they would get up again, the lucky ones. The unlucky ones stayed down with dozens of black barbed arrows.Doesn't sound complete/ arrows sticking out of them or The lucky ones lay still, riddled with arrows] Lightning flashed, illuminating the scene[better noun slaughter, battle?], casting ghastly shadows in the visors of helmets and the pits of skulls. Then the light faded, leaving the only illumination the green lights emanating usage/ pouring, spilling, radiating] from the undead’s skulls and ribcages. Power centers for the black robed figures that controlled them like marionettes on strings. They wore masks, masks that had beaks, looking like carrion birds. It fit them.[Clumsy sentence/ Their beaked masks made them look like huge carrion birds. The battle was controlled by champions, warriors of magic and steel, rallying troops to charge in a clash of steel and screams.[ This sentence didn't really work for me.]
This has potential, but mechanics seemed to really hinder it.
This Omni viewpoint seems too much like a summary. I would rather see this scene through the eyes of the MC.
Word choice could be improved. Try to be very concise and create a nice forward flow in the sentences. I got lost in rough descriptions.
There are many descriptions and descriptive words, but I still had a hard time seeing the scene because they seemd incomplete.
quote:Lightning flashed, illuminating the scene, casting ghastly shadows in the visors of helmets and the pits of skulls
Bursts of lightning danced across the sky castin shadows on the helmeted skulls of the fallen.
Also watch the then's and the's to many makes bad reading.
Not nescessarily what you want to write, but needs to paint a complete thought and flow into the next one.
edited to correct code
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 03, 2008).]
posted
This reads more like a poetic historical account, rather than a story. If you elevated the language a little, and cleaned up the grammar and structure it might be a good little prologue or chapter heading snippet, like a poem fragment from the history of your setting or something. As it reads now, there are no characters, and no hook. It pretty much starts and ends in that one paragraph.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited April 05, 2008).]
With some tidying up, this would make a reasonable intro. But I'd want to see a break and the beginning of something with a character in it on that first page, just to let us know that the whole thing won't be like this.
quote:The I'd drop this word arrows flew, and men fell. Then the men the same men, or those on the opposite side? charged, slipping in the rain and mud and blood. Then too many "then"s they would get up again, the lucky ones. The unlucky ones stayed down with dozens of black barbed arrows.I agree with Bent Tree--where are the arrows? Lightning flashed, illuminating the scene, casting ghastly shadows in the visors of helmets and the pits of skulls. Then another "then" the light faded, leaving as the only illumination the green lights emanating from the undead’s skulls and ribcages. Power centers for the black robed figures that controlled them like marionettes on strings. sentence frag. They wore masks, the power centers? masks that had beaks, looking like carrion birds. the beaks? the masks? the black-robed figures? It fit them. author opinion, here. Not necessarily bad, but done so infrequently these days that if it's intentional it should start up right away (as in first sentence) and be quickly repeated, so we know it's not just a slip. The battle was controlled by champions, warriors of magic and steel, rallying troops to charge in a clash of steel and screams.Actually, I think this last sentence is redundant. It's pretty clear what's going on without it.
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