posted
New Prolouge inspired by the feedback given From 1st chapter.
Logifer stood in his kitchen in total shock. His hard work had paid off, though he was unsure of the consequences. Logifer knew he had committed the most gruesome murder to the highest degree. Five corpses laid in the Living Room, while another two were carefully placed in the Kitchen. Logifer had just performed the most inexcusable crime. He waited – he knew the company that he was anticipating was coming for sure as he stood in fear, unwilling to flee. Logifer ran through the kitchen, ransacking everything in sight. Logifer started throwing everything down on the floor, whose objects were now being stained with the flesh blood on Logifer’s hands.
posted
Logifer as a name bothers me for some reason.
There is also several mentions of his name in this intro. He's would suffice as there is only one character introduced as of yet.
In fact, I counted 14 forms of he/his/Logifer
It seems my advice du jour, but I cannot sympathize with a MC who has just confessed to several counts of heinous murder.
quote:Logifer stood in his kitchen in total shock
Clumsy sentence. Logifer stood, trembling with shock, in his kitchen
quote:His hard work had paid off, though he was unsure of the consequences
Months of planning and toiling paid off, however he was uncertain of the consequences.
The implication of the POV being his allows you the freedom of not being required to repeat his name or even "Him' We are seeing this scene through his eyes, and feeling his emotions.
I like dark stuff, but it will be a hard sell, unless this is destined to be a dark piece to find a reader that will sympathize with this character.
Even I like to get to the motive or understanding of why a character would commit the terrible acts of murder before I see the carnage. In this case is several bodies.
That being said, You will need to analyze the story you want to tell to make sure it will be well recieved, but this is a case of premeditated murders with no indication of a motive--good or bad.
It must be some really bad characters he awaits for a cold blooded murderer to fear them so.
posted
I'm really new to this, and this is my first crit posting. That being said, everything that I noticed, was pretty much covered by what Bent Tree said.
AllI can add is that I think what you were tying to get at was that the crimes had been commited uncounciously? But if that's the case, I don't know what the hard work was that had paid off would refer to. I would just clarify that a bit more in the opening.
I'm interested in seeing where this goes though.
[This message has been edited by algaidaman (edited April 07, 2008).]
Most of the time it's best just to have the POV character tell you. Really this is you telling the reader. ie: He felt, he saw, he heard. Most of the time it should just happen.
posted
Ditto.... this also doesn't belong in the Short Story section, since it is presumably part of a Novel. Never read a short story that has a prologue and chapters.
posted
Yes this should be in the Novel section. That be as it may, here is my take.
Logifer stood in his kitchen in total shock. His hard work had paid off, though he was unsure of the consequences.
This is telling and clunky. Show us what total shock is like.
Blood from the knife dripped on the kitchen floor. Logifer found himself panting, a cold sweat covered his face. His eyes were wide as he attempted to grasp what he had done.
Logifer knew he had committed the most gruesome murder to the highest degree.
Cut this, this is telling as well. Let the reader figure out for themselves how gruesome the murders are
Five corpses laid in the Living Room, while another two were carefully placed in the Kitchen.
This I liked but don't capitalize the rooms. Change 'laid' to 'lay' as well.
Logifer had just performed the most inexcusable crime.
Cut, its telling and redundant with the passage of two sentences before.
He waited – he knew the company that he was anticipating was coming for sure as he stood in fear, unwilling to flee.
Very clunky, 'was anticipating' is passive, the action doesn't fit with his thoughts either.
He tried to collect his thoughts. Company would be arriving soon.
Logifer ran through the kitchen, ransacking everything in sight.
This I liked.
Logifer started throwing everything down on the floor, whose objects were now being stained with the flesh blood on Logifer’s hands
You had the right idea here but this will make three 'Logifer's intwo sentences. 'Strated throwing' is passive as well. The second half of your sentence needs to be reworked as well, it falls outside of the POV that you established.
He threw everything on the floor, unaware that blood from his hands now stained the objects that he touched.
With a rework of the prose this could be a nice hook for the opening of a short story or prologue. You're on the right track. As it is, I wouldn't turn the page.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited April 08, 2008).]
posted
Try Number two, but probably won't be perfect.... Logifer trembled with shock. Months of planning and toiling paid off, though the worst of the consequences was still to come. Logifer found himself panting; a cold sweat covered his face. Eyes were wide, attempting to grasp what he had done. Five corpses laid in the Living Room, while the others were carefully placed in the Kitchen. After months trying to find an alternative, he had finally found the strength to defy Nature’s Wrath. Company would be arriving soon. Logifer ran through the kitchen, looking for objects. He threw everything on the floor, knowing that blood from his hands now stained all objects that he touched – though that was the least of his worries. Posts: 34 | Registered: Mar 2008
| IP: Logged |
Okay, this is better. Hooky novel beginnings aren't as crucial as they are to short stories BUT prologues are. they're is still a couple of things that bug me about it.
Logifer trembled >with shock<. not neaded, you showed his shock later. Months of planning and toiling paid off, >though the worst of the consequences was still to come<. I think you should cut this part. Let the reader discover the bad things yet to come Logifer found himself panting; a cold sweat covered his face. Eyes were wide, attempting to grasp what he had done. Five corpses laid in the Living Room, while the others were carefully placed in the Kitchen. After months trying to find an alternative, he had finally found the strength to defy Nature’s Wrath. Company would be arriving soon. Logifer ran through the kitchen, looking for objects. He threw everything on the floor, >knowing that blood from his hands now stained all objects that he touched< are you sure you want him to realize that he was contaminating the crime scene with his own DNA? He doesn't look very bright if he does – >though that was the least of his worries< I am not at all sure about that last line
I think this needs a little reorganizing and it will be good to go
Logifer trembled. His eyes were wide, attempting to grasp what he had done. He found himself panting; a cold sweat covered his face. Five corpses laid in the Living Room, while the others were carefully placed in the Kitchen. Months of planning and toiling paid off. After trying to find an alternative, he had finally found the strength to defy Nature’s Wrath. His mind raced; company would be arriving soon. Logifer ran through the kitchen, looking for objects. He threw everything on the floor, knowing that his blood stained hands now contaminated all objects that he touched.
I left in the knowing that his bloody hands contaimnated the crime scene part. I assume it is important to your plot. Good luck with this.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited April 13, 2008).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
