posted
Tales of the Shadow Guild: Twilight of Tomorrow Fantasy Incomplete first draft 148+ pages, 31,000 words
New version posted below, check it out...
The Battle of Brisingr was bloody indeed. It was a decade in coming, the final battle of the Elemental Wars, There was little movement in the dawn after the battle. Nothing lived save the crows, picking their way through the mutilated carrion. A wounded soldier sat under a distant tree, staring blankly at the horrific scene. His injuries, though severe and in great number, were not life threatening, if he could obtain the required care. He tried to move, moaning at the pain his little progress brought. He smiled grimly. “We have won,” he groaned. “For all the good it will do.” From behind there was a sudden blinding flash of fell light. The soldier looked around in horror right before he screamed
Looking for feedback on the 13 lines and offers to read more
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited May 02, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited June 05, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited March 24, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 25, 2009).]
posted
I think "severe and great in number" flows a bit better.
Also...have my doubts about "fell light." Those two words can work together, but I find they are usually best when followed by "in his/her/its eyes." It could work, but it sort of made me stop a moment.
posted
I love to take a look at more of this! Send some my way.
My initial reaction though, is that these 13 lines occur before your book needs to start, maybe shift your into and then include this in a flashback or even just pass it across in dialog.
posted
I like that you seem to know your world, that comes through. I also like that you quickly uncover a fantastical element.
I did wonder who the soldier was, and wanted you to name him, though since he dies right away that is perhaps why you didn't. I'd like to have another person witness the scene, not just the narrator, so I could grasp onto someone in this opener.
posted
does anyone think I could do without the first two sentences? They were put there as an after thought and they just haven't seemed quite right lately. Yes I know it's ultimately my decision, but I'd like some feedback on this. thanks~
Posts: 140 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
Brisingr is still my issue. It stops me dead, every time. Christopher Paolini is naming the third Eragon Book Brisingr, and it's infused throughout the Eragon Game and movie also. (My oldest boy has them...) And since "brisingr" means "fire" in Paolini's books, it being the final battle of the Elemental Wars only accentuates that it comes from the Eragon Saga.
Other than that, My take:
quote: The Battle of Brisingr was bloody indeed. It was a decade in coming, the final battle of the Elemental Wars, There was little movement in the dawn after the battle. Nothing lived save the crows, picking their way through the mutilated carrion.<--[PoV?] A wounded soldier sat under a distant tree[I thought nothing lived.], staring blankly at the horrific scene. His injuries, though severe and in great number, were [not life threatening<--How severe can they be? I think I've pointed these thing out before.], if he could obtain the required care. He tried to move[ and moaned at the pain.<--IMHO, cut this-->, moaning at the pain his little progress brought.] He smiled grimly<--[Which is it? Maning from pain, or ironic smile?]. “We have won,” he groaned. “For all the good it will do.”<--[Said to whom?] From behind there was a sudden blinding flash of fell light.<--[PoV?] The soldier looked around in horror right before he screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.<--[PoV?]
I feel like I've commented many of the same things before.
quote: Someone else does witness the scene, it just gets cut off with the 13 lines.
Maybe you should let us see this through the witnesses eyes. Knowing what he or she knows, and then we could feel more immersed. Intruth, that should be who we start with.
posted
I have a problem I could use some advice on. I know that this intro has a lot of serious problems with it, and I want to rewrite it. The problem I have is that this has spent the past four years as the beginning of this book, and I'm pretty sure that any rewriting I try will essentially just be a copy of what I already have.
I suppose the real problem is that I don't know where to start or how to start a rewrite for this scene. Any advice on this would be most appreciated.
posted
I don't know the importance of the scene, but, you said someone else was witnessing this. If that person affects the story, or if they become the PoV, why not start with that person and what he/she feels or sees?
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posted
The other person who witnesses the scene is the one who murdered the soldier and is one of the main antagonists for the story, and the next paragraph is from his POV, but it wouldn't work to have it from his POV the entire scene.
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I critted your first chapter a while back, and reread the beginning just now. I think you could with just a little rewrite tell it all from the other's POV.
posted
Here's another stab at the first page, the first attempt had a rather ambiguous POV until the soldier's murderer came into the scene. This time around I've broken it up into two scenes and put the first one more fully into the soldier's POV and the second with the murderer's. You know what to do, go at it!
~~
Choking fog rose above the battlefield, obscuring the wounded soldier’s view of the corpses from his comrades and enemies already being picked at by the carrion crows that had descended for their free meal. The soldier sat against a tree some distance away, clutching his side in pain. His war-sword lay sheathed in the body of it’s last victim, an enemy soldier ha had chased from the battlefield. Wounded himself in the confrontation, he had slumped against a tree and waited to die. “I suppose this means we’ve won,” he said to himself. A flash of light somewhere in the forest silenced him. When he heard the crunch of a boot on dead leaves he dared to hope he had been saved. He screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.
posted
To me, this reads like you cleaned up what you had originally. If you'd like, I'll look at your first chapter. When I've seen more of what's going on, perhaps I'll have a better suggestion for you.
(No promises on turnaround time. Though I usually don't slack, I'm trying to get a first draft done on my present WotF entry.)
posted
Hmm something doesn't add up here for me. 110+ pages AND 20,000 words? For me I find with New Courier, which is a very wide font, and double spacing it's about 250 words per page. Even then it would only be about 80 pages. So, out of curiosity, are you using three inch margins?
I agree with babbler on the use of "brisngr," that it's no good. For me the instant mental connection is Bringr->Paolini->Sucks. But also I think "Brisingr" is a ridiculous word that makes me giggle when I see it.
Name the place Bloodstone Hills or Forbidden Valley, or Smokestone crags, something else, anything else, not Brisingr.
[This message has been edited by Doctor (edited May 02, 2008).]
posted
I essentially did clean up what I had before, since the scene I had is where the story starts, I'm sure of that.
The use of brisngr, I wrote that in high school and I had just read Eragon. I've known for a while that I needed to cut it, I just never bothered, however I did with the rewrite. Never again will that word be present in my book. Although incidently, brisngr is, I believe, Norse for fire.
The page number: I assure you that it is 110 pages, though it's more now. I use courier 12pt double spaced with 1" margins. The one thing that might inflate the number slightly is page breaks in between chapters.
posted
Nothing lives but the crows - but the wounded soldier lives. What about the other wounded? Typically, far more people are wounded than killed in a battle; Where are they? How long has it been since the battle ended?
<His injuries, though severe and in great number, were not life threatening, if he could obtain the required care.>
I think this needs shortening; don't tell us about the extent of his injuries; show us.
<From behind there was a sudden blinding flash of fell light.>
I don't think the adjective does much here; 'fell' isn't a word we use much nowadays.
<The soldier looked around in horror right before he screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.>
posted
<Choking fog rose above the battlefield, obscuring the wounded soldier’s view of the corpses from his comrades and enemies already being picked at by the carrion crows that had descended for their free meal. The soldier sat against a tree some distance away, clutching his side in pain. His war-sword lay sheathed in the body of it’s last victim, an enemy soldier ha had chased from the battlefield. Wounded himself in the confrontation, he had slumped against a tree and waited to die. “I suppose this means we’ve won,” he said to himself. A flash of light somewhere in the forest silenced him. When he heard the crunch of a boot on dead leaves he dared to hope he had been saved. He screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.>
This is better, but I think it needs a bit of expansion, especially the last sentence.
posted
For anyone who is interested in reading what I have so far, I have up through chapter nine finished. If you're interested let me know and I'll send it along.
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quote: His war-sword lay sheathed in the body of it’s last victim, an enemy soldier ha had chased from the battlefield.
I sure hope it's an enemy soldier. You don't build this soldier up to be a traitor, so we can safely assume he's killed someone from the other side. Perhaps describe the victim simply as "a man he'd chased from the battlefield" or give us one word about the victim "a shaken man he'd chased..." or "a short man he'd chased..."
quote: Wounded himself in the confrontation, he had slumped against a tree and waited to die.
Minor issue here. "he had slumped" should just be "he slumped."
quote:A flash of light somewhere in the forest silenced him.
"somewhere in the forest" doesn't help me visualize what's happening. To his side? Did he catch a flash of light out of the corner of his eye? Nearby? In the forest across the valley?
quote: When he heard the crunch of a boot on dead leaves he dared to hope he had been saved.
I like this sentence, except "he had been" -> "he was."
quote: He screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.
I don't like this sentence -- it doesn't fit. I've run up against this issue myself, though... I get that you want the surprise of him thinking himself saved, then quickly winding up dead. Perhaps, "His eyes widened when instead of a helpful hand on his shoulder, he felt cold steel slide into his back."
That line is a little too long... but if you could pare it down a bit, you might achieve the shock you are going for. I have a scene that would work perfectly on camera, but it's hard to get that element of suddenness in writing.
I'm interested in reading more, but I'd rather take a few chapters (as opposed to 110 pages) at a time. At least that way I'd be able to get back to you while waiting for code to compile sometime this week or next.
posted
It's been a while since I've been on here and it looks as though there are some new faces who haven't read this yet. So, I'd like to see what you people have to say about it.
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posted
Have you changed your opening since May, 2008? That appears to be the last version.
I think you still have some of the same issues you had 10 months ago. The scene is overthought. If he thinks he has won and is waiting to die, to me it looks like the battle was fought to a standstill, to the last man... which might make it more interesting.
The death plunge through the tree, although very macho, is somewhat non-sensical... especially being wounded, possibly mortally. Any self-respecting warrior would confront his victim. Any villain would merely sneak up from behind and make sure his stroke kills the victim dead rather than hazarding a miss through the tree.
posted
Why dirty your hands, when you have a perfectly acceptable spell that will do the dirty work for you? Especially with this villain.
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posted
Yeah I know, but then that's the limits of the 13 lines, here however is the important question: would you keep reading or not?
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quote:Choking fog rose above the battlefield, obscuring the wounded soldier’s view of the corpses from [of] his comrades and enemies already being picked at by the carrion crows that had descended for their free meal [This sentence is very long and could probably be broken up]. The soldier sat against a tree some distance away, clutching his side in pain. His war-sword lay sheathed in the body of it’s last victim, an enemy soldier ha had chased from the battlefield. Wounded himself in the confrontation [This makes it sound like the injuries are self inflicted. I would drop 'himself'.], he had [remove 'had'] slumped against a tree and waited to die. “I suppose this means we’ve won,” he said to himself. [I think it reads better to start a new line here. Leave the dialogue by itself in this case.]A flash of light somewhere in the forest silenced him. When he heard the crunch of a boot on dead leaves he dared to hope he had been saved. He screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.
I don't think I would keep reading at this point. The villain strikes me as false. Plunging the sword through the tree is theatrical for the sake of being theatrical. I don't see a character with depth doing something like that, as it is highly impractical. There are much more efficient (and evil) ways for him to kill the soldier.
posted
As a comment on the word brisingr, it comes from brisinga, which means flaming or glowing in old Norse. Brisingamen was the godess Freja's necklace, the name supposedly meaning something like glowing/flaming jewellry/ornament.
In a way, it makes me sad that it's so associated with the Eragon series
posted
Another attempt at the first 13 lines. I think what my problem was, was that I was starting out too far away from the action. So this one starts in much closer. I'm sure it's not perfect, but that's why I'm here. Enjoy
--
“I suppose this means we’ve won,” said the wounded knight to the enemy soldier laying slumped against a nearby tree with the knight’s broad sword still protruding from his belly. “Well,” corrected the knight, “I suppose this means I’ve won.” He chuckled to himself at his poor joke and groaned in pain from the gash in his side that was going to kill him. “In the distance he could see his compatriots searching the battlefield for the wounded through the dense fog that clung to the rolling hills that had been churned into mud from the large battle. “You know,” he said, again talking to the corpse, “it seems like a rather silly thing to fight a war over.” “What does?” The end must have been closer than he’d thought.
posted
For anyone who decides that they want to read this, I am also looking for specific areas where I could expand, or fill in details. I'm reaching the end of the story and I'm figuring that this will, at most be about 50,000 words if I keep going as I am. This will not do, so I'm, again, looking for areas where I can expand.
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posted
I couldn't get past the Battle of "Brisingr" the word in the ancient language for 'fire' from Christopher Paolini's 4 book trilogy. I wanted to stop as soon as I made that connection. The first two sentences fall like a flaccid balloon on the cold concrete. " His injuries, though severe and in great number, were not life threatening, if he could obtain the required care." Tell me less show me more. "The myriad of lacerations and bruises covering his body caused him to harden his mind and expression against the pain, he tore strips of cloth from those fallen around him and bound the worst of the wounds, the blood staunched until he could get them properly attended to." Just a thought but conveys that he is fine with proper care with out saying that he needs to obtain the proper care and covers the sentence after as well.
Who is he talking to, dialogue for the sake of dialogue, vocalizing to himself, I don't get it. If he's talking to a fallen comerade or the body of an enemy, nothing says he is alone but I get the impression he is. or at least removed from others.
I do want to know more about him, the name of the battle doesn't seem to matter, its another meaningless battle in an overall meaningless war. History assigns names to battles and wars, are we with him in the present? the details about it being the last battle and the Elemental wars can come later. I may have the character completely wrong but he seems to have given up hope and reached an end, which is a great place for a new beginning.
Please try to show more and tell less, and if there is dialogue, he could be talking for the sake of hearing a voice and not expecting a response. Did anyone else survive?
posted
I'm confused as to which version of the intro you're responding to, there are three. And how much would you like me to send?
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posted
Sorry, I guess I was replying to the first yet after reading the last, I like the first a lot more. the latest 13 lines leave me really disliking this guy, is he about to die?
there are some of my previous questions answered but i think a lot of the sense of place and meaning is lost. I'll go back and read a bit more of your progression to this point but the latest version standing on its own seems very empty. the wounded knight is standing there mocking the corpse of a fallen enemy, with his sword still stuck in the guy. ew. I feel like its been a one sided war and the bad guys have won. After reading that I likely would not want to read on.
posted
oh and Id be happy to read through the first chapter and probably more later, this week I have time for 1 Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2009
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posted
Exactly. So if KrystaHunt really wants to read your first chapter, she has to do something. You and I have given her a choice of two things she can do, and there is a third choice: nothing, but then she won't get to read your chapter.
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posted
KrystaHunt, if you select the profile link--first of the links under the Post New Topic and Post Reply buttons near the upper right hand corner of the page, you will go to a page that gives you the
quote:Keep your email address viewable to other users when you post notes?
option at the bottom of the page. If you select Yes for that option, the envelope icon will appear at the top of each of your posts (between the face=? icon and the pencil and paper icon) and people can find your email address by clicking on the envelope icon.
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