A few questions:
-Obviously, does it hook you?
-What is your sense of the setting? Era?

I would be happy for any readers, but no pressure. I'm still in the editing process.

My take:

quote:

---

Clutching [to<--Cut] the rail of the tiny [ship<--fishing vessel?] [Aloris<--suggest italicizing], Tristan watched the tempest [Suggest something active, like: batter the rocky inlets of the Gulf of Sorien with a gathering sense of dread. He had seen a storm[,<--Cut.] much like this one[,<--Cut.] last night in a dream, and a terrifying notion prickled its way from his scalp to his toes.

---

I only commented on the last paragraph, because that's where the story starts. I could have nibbled away at the first paragraph--as you implied--but when I saw the second paragraph, I perked right up. The first paragraph seemed unnecessarily info-dumpy. It could easily be blended into the rest of the prose. (See below) Starting here you have room to tell what the notion is (which better be in the next sentence!)

Other than seeming a bit forced, I didn't have a problem with the era or hook. I could have waited just a bit longer to know it's his birthday, or the Gulf of Sorien is home. His dad could lay a hand on his shoulder, just when he needs it, and say something like: "For what it's worth, Happy Birthday, Tristan." He can feel at ease when the captain finally weaves through the jutting rocks and coasts to the docks he played on as a young boy.

A clearer version of my suggested revisions (with a bit of extrapolating):

Clutching the rail of the small fishing vessel, the Aloris, Tristan watched the the gathering tempest batter the rocky inlets of the Gulf of Sorien with a sense of dread. Last night he had dreamed of a maelstrom that would send Walers and Steamboats running as it blackened the Summer Solstice sky, and here it was. A wave of terror washed over him, prickling his flesh from his scalp to his toes. He had a notion...

Anyway here's how I'd like to see this open...

The first of the great storms darkened the sky on the day Tristan turned sixteen. The thick black clouds obliterated the summer solstice's sun sending the Terrack sea into premature night.

(New Para here, since you are talking about steamers and such.)

The Coren City whalers and steamers harbored safely within the Gulf of Sorien, escaping the worst of the storm. Yet for the clusters of fishing vessels trawling the deep and icy ocean, the rocky inlet became to treachorous to attempt.

Tristan clutched the Aloris's rail. The tiny ship's deck pitched and heaved beneath him. He'd been dreaming these storms for some time now. They terrified him, these dreams, causing him to awake in a sweat much colder than the salt spray now coating his skin.

Like I said before, it was the storms that hooked me. Nice use of setting, although it seemed distant from you MC's observations. I wanted to see him more of a participant. Steam-punk? Or someplace relative to the mid to late 1800's?

Clutching [to <- cut] the rail of the Aloris, Tristan watched the first of the great storms darken the sky. It was Summer Solstice, what should have been the longest day of the year, but [on this day, <- cut] black clouds gathered above the Terrak Sea, blocking the sun [until it seemed to be the dead of night <-too dark to believe].

Tristan hoped that the big steamers and whalers from Coren City escaped [<- Why does he care? Seems a bit random for him to be thinking about] before the worst of the rain and waves struck. But for the cluster of fishing vessels that trawled the icy northern waters, passage back into the rocky inlets of the Gulf of Sorien—and home—was now too treacherous to attempt. The Aloris was a tiny ship, …[<- something about the rain and waves here instead?]

Tristan watched the tempest with a gathering sense of dread. Last night he had dreamed about a storm[, <- cut] much like this one[, last night in a dream <-cut], and a terrifying notion prickled its way from his scalp to his toes.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 01, 2008).]

I have to confess that I added the line about the whalers and steamers just before I posted this, because I wanted to convey the milieu early on. But, it does feel forced doesn't it?

I thought it was common "fantasy" era but them it sounded like the age of sail to me, maybe early steam?

I was mildly hooked by the end of the piece, if there were more I would read it. However if it was based on the first two lines I would not read further. the whole part about the ships peril on the sea was a good hook.

Can we see a bit more?

D

I like the introduction at sea. I love the seas. My husband and I lived on our sailboat for four years when we were first married. I do notice that your paragraph sounds like you've seen movies about the sea. I don't see the level of detail that makes me think Tristan knows the sea intimately. He could taste the salt on his spray-flecked lip, or feel the noodliness (like that?) in his legs that comes with the constant rocking of a big storm. Is he an expert seaman? If not, he'd definitely have a flip-flopping stomach in a tiny boat like that. Perhaps the dry seabiscuit is the only thing keeping the rest of his food glued to his stomach.