posted
Hey all. Starting to get a feel for feedback, and I'll start returning the favors. This is very helpful for me.
This is from a seventy-page sci-fi, incomplete. If anyone wants to review pages 1-20, I'd love to hear from you.
Sam dropped what he was doing as the proximity alarm sounded, being obsessive as he was about answering communications. When a courier drone entered signaling range, it was a chance to hear from someone intelligent. Or even someone unintelligent. He didn’t care, because trying to converse with genetically altered algae and bacteria in his lab did not break the monotony of orbit. But drone signals were only recordings; inexpensive text if they were sent from Sam's office, the more pricey holographic projections from his family. Either way, he could only listen with no hope of interaction as it was no small expense to send a drone over hundreds of light-years. Weeks of files would stack up and when a drone did come, it was loaded with guilt-free reasons for Sam to leave his lab for several hours.
[This message has been edited by Trav (edited April 30, 2008).]
quote: Sam dropped what he was doing as the proximity alarm sounded[.][, being obsessive as he was about answering communications<--Cut this, IMHO, because the first part of the sentence "opens the ball" so to speak with urgency/tension and the last part immediately quashes it.]. [When<--[Cut. A courier drone entered signaling range[, it was a chance to hear from someone intelligent. Or even someone unintelligent. He didn’t care, because trying to converse with genetically altered algae and bacteria in his lab did not break the monotony of orbit. But drone signals were only recordings; inexpensive text if they were sent from Sam's office, the more pricey holographic projections from his family. Either way, he could only listen with no hope of interaction as it was no small expense to send a drone over hundreds of light-years. Weeks of files would stack up and when a drone did come, it was loaded with guilt-free reasons for Sam to leave his lab for several hours.<--Infodump, and a little redundant. Why do I care about a bored guy?]
The milieu nor his job are enough to be a hook (for me). This had the possibility for action/tension right from the get-go, but quicky turned into an extended yawn.
What could be a hook:
1) Why is the proximity alarm going off?
2) What is the courier drone carrying?
3) What is he working on that involves bacteria and algae?
All I know now is that Sam is bored, in space, and alone. Not a big sell.
posted
Hey IB, thanks for the feedback. It seems I like a superfluous first paragraph before the story really starts. Perhaps a habit from research writing that doesn't work here. One question though, what's IMHO?
Here's a second try.
In spite of isolation, Ranyk loved his job. Sequestered in his orbital lab he made microbe genes dance any way he wanted, getting them to produce atmosphere for some pretty rough planets. The topic of loneliness was guaranteed to come up every time he visited his mother or his friends on Earth. One such friend shared his opinion about Ranyk’s life. “Take my advice. Settle down with a female and get a cushy job, use your genius and live the easy life. Work is for robots and mortals.” And advice is for dimwits and morons, Ranyk thought. “The female part tempts me, but look what I do every day. How many people get to play brilliant scientist and frontier explorer and spaceman?” “You miss seeing us accountants and lab techs. Especially me.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 01, 2008).]
posted
IMHO means In my humble opinion, although I personally find the statement to be, well, rather arrogant.
My annoyances aside, this is doing better. Not sure if it would hook me, since we're still dealing with the mundane.
quote:How many people get to play brilliant scientist and frontier explorer and spaceman?”
I feel that there are too many 'ands' in this sentence. You could cut either 'frontier explorer' or 'spaceman' without taking from the story. I would take out 'spaceman' personally, either that or replace 'spaceman' with astronaut.
The old colleague he's talking to, I assume he has a name, and I'd also assume the your POV character knows it, so we should to.
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited May 01, 2008).]
quote: In spite of isolation, Ranyk loved his job. Sequestered in his orbital lab[,] he made microbe genes [dance any way he wanted, getting them to<--[IMHO (In My Humble Opinion), this does nothing but slow this down. the next part tells me what I need to know.] produce atmosphere for some pretty rough planets. [The topic of loneliness was guaranteed to come up every time he visited his mother or his friends on Earth.<--[What does this have to do with the the progression of the story?] One such friend[A friend would have a name. If his name doesn't matter, how does what he had to say (in a flashback) move the story?] shared his opinion about Ranyk’s life. “Take my advice. Settle down with a female and get a cushy job, use your genius and live the easy life. Work is for robots and mortals.”[Is he immortal?] And advice is for dimwits and morons, Ranyk thought.[Eh? If he feels advice is worthless, why is he pondering this?] “The female part tempts me, but look what I do every day. How many people get to play brilliant scientist and frontier explorer and spaceman?” “You miss seeing us accountants and lab techs. Especially me.” "Yes, lunchtime discussions of investments. Highlight of my month."
1) Okay, now I know what he does, but it isn't a hook, because it's an afterthought. He's not inspired--and if so, I don't get it from this--and there is no crisis for which his humdrum work is needed. Even with the added "enjoyment of being a master of microbe gene manipulation", I feel he's bored.
2) IMHO - expand on who he is.
3) Flashback's indicate that you're starting in the wrong place (generally too far forward in the story). The guideline is to establish the character and the situation (I thinkm I remember it being four pages of progression for every one in flashback) before you slip into a memory. I use the word guideline in lieu of "rule" because there is no hard rule.
As with any decision, there is a cost. What it will take for me to like it and read it could very well be different from what the next person's opinion may be. That's why I emphasize the My in "My take", and I can offer you no more than that.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 01, 2008).]
posted
You need to focus - focus on an something imminent and threatening. As it is your MC is in a static scene - nothing is really moving forward.
"The topic of lonelines was guaranteed to come up..." Why do we need to know this? How does it advance the story? Why would it make us curious and want to read on? There is no real conflict, or hint of one, to come. The setting has real potential, and yet his recollections might just as well be taking place in a coffee shop. Give us a problem he is facing - a threat of some kind - or at least the promise of one to come - and run with it.
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