posted
Ladies and gents, this is the most helpful feedback I've ever had. Thanks!
Apparently I'm starting in the wrong place. Let's see what happens if Chapter 2 becomes Chapter 1.
Trying to keep blood from dripping onto her suit, Dr. Perinath pressed a spare blouse against her head. She had broken through the window of the car in the collision. Sean hadn’t been so lucky, and was impaled through the arm and left lung with aluminum car frame. She couldn’t leave him, as the battery banks from a few of the cars were likely to fail and dump their charges all at once. Making sure Sean was safely clear of metal and still breathing through his intact lung, she had hailed a taxi from the slowed traffic, and was now nearly to the launchport. Her mind was racing, trying to carry on with Sean’s ideas to help Ranyk, repeatedly reviewing Sean’s injuries and hoping desperately that anything she missed was minor enough to wait for emergency crews.
[This message has been edited by Trav (edited May 01, 2008).]
posted
It is more focused and more interesting. But my first instinct says now you are starting too late. For me the fact you spend the paragrpah telling us what already has happened means you probably should have started when it happened, the car crash, or just a little before it.
posted
This scene has much potential - potential I don't feel coming through. There is a good deal of telling going on here which is passive and stands in the way of really being pulled in and getting involved with the story.
How about some dialogue? We could learn much of what you tell us through dialogue between the characters - it would have the added advantage of drawing the reader in rather than being merely an observer.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited May 01, 2008).]
posted
Dr. Perinath pressed a spare blouse against her head, trying to keep blood from dripping onto the taxi seat. [swapped phrases – and maybe give her full name or just her first name] Her mind raced, repeatedly reviewing Sean’s injuries and hoping desperately that [anything she missed was minor enough to wait for <-huh? It sounds like he’s in pretty bad shape] he would reach the emergency crews in time. His breath whistled through the hole in his left side, where a piece of aluminum car frame had impaled him. She tightened the tourniquet around his arm, trying to stop the blood.
The taxi was [now <-cut] nearly to the launchport.
But for us to know about the collision, she has to think back. It might be better to start before, during or immediately after the collision.
The phrase “trying to carry on with Sean’s ideas to help Ranyk” seems out of place and too vague. Either explain it and why it’s so urgent that it intrudes on the current emergency, or let it wait.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 02, 2008).]
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