Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Epoch of War (Fantasy, 45k so far)

   
Author Topic: Epoch of War (Fantasy, 45k so far)
EP Kaplan
Member
Member # 5688

 - posted      Profile for EP Kaplan   Email EP Kaplan         Edit/Delete Post 
Katja Bindiril looked up at the mournful, loving eyes of the man kneeling over her, the man whose last kiss she still felt upon her lips. “I love you,” he whispered. Katja smiled, despite the pain she was in. It was hard to think that such a man as Mialith Vamak and such a girl as the one who wounded her could be siblings. But then again, both had the same force of will, the same sad, brown eyes. Both had come so close to her, so lovingly and so dangerously close…
Oh. Right. I love you, too, she thought. She tried to say it, tried to answer her beloved, but she couldn’t.
I’m dead?
I’m dead?

A hundred times she questioned this realization before she noticed there was no pain.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MartinV
Member
Member # 5512

 - posted      Profile for MartinV   Email MartinV         Edit/Delete Post 
If you are looking for someone who wants to read further, I'm interested.
Posts: 1271 | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pyraxis
Member
Member # 7990

 - posted      Profile for Pyraxis   Email Pyraxis         Edit/Delete Post 
Katja Bindiril looked up at the mournful, loving eyes of the man kneeling over her, the man whose last kiss she still felt upon her lips. “I love you,” he whispered. Katja smiled, despite the pain she was in. It was hard to think that such a man as Mialith Vamak and such a girl as the one who wounded her could be siblings.[hooold on. Her lover is her sibling? If Mialith isn't the lover, you should probably name the lover before you drop Mialith's name. This totally confused me. There's also been no hint before this of a girl wounding Katja.] But then again, both had the same force of will, the same sad, brown eyes. [too heavy on the melodrama. I want to see force of will and sadness in their actions, not have it dictated to me.]Both had come so close to her, so lovingly and so dangerously close…[ditto on the melodrama. I want to see the action through before I get the sordid backstory]
Oh. Right. I love you, too, she thought.[hold on again. I thought the pain she was in was because something was interfering with her love for this guy. Now she suddenly doesn't care about him?]She tried to say it, tried to answer her beloved, but she couldn’t.
I’m dead?
I’m dead?
A hundred times[I saw only twice] she questioned this realization before she noticed there was no pain.[but you said there was pain earlier. where did it go?]

Sorry to say it but I probably wouldn't read on. The love drama's too much for me.


Posts: 188 | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hteadx
Member
Member # 6563

 - posted      Profile for hteadx   Email hteadx         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Katja Bindiril looked up at the mournful, loving eyes of the man kneeling over her, the man whose last kiss she still felt upon her lips.
Your comma placement is confusing. It makes it appear as if 'loving eyes of the...' is nonessential.

quote:
“I love you,” he whispered. Katja smiled, despite the pain she was in. It was hard to think that such a man as Mialith Vamak and such a girl as the one who wounded her could be siblings.
The last sentence is ambiguous. Your modifiers are too far out.

quote:
But then again, both had the same force of will, the same sad, brown eyes. Both had come so close to her, so lovingly and so dangerously close…
The parallelism of the last sentence is off because of the double use of the word close.

quote:
Oh. Right. I love you, too, she thought. She tried to say it, tried to answer her beloved, but she couldn’t.
I’m dead?
I’m dead?

A hundred times she questioned this realization before she noticed there was no pain.

I'm thrown off because of the words 'Oh. Right.' You've built up the loving relationship between them, but the first things she thinks of when he says I love is 'Oh. Right.' It takes away from what you've written about their relationship.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
micmcd
Member
Member # 7977

 - posted      Profile for micmcd   Email micmcd         Edit/Delete Post 
I second a previous comment - on first pass, I was confused as to who was the lover and who was the sibling.
Posts: 500 | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2