posted
Okay... my first post in the F&F. It's a fantasy piece that is still very much in it's early stages. The word count might be a little inflated, as I recently realized (thanks to reading posts on here for a couple of weeks) that I had way too much dry description of the MCs lives in my original intro. I'm in the process of cutting it down, and this is what emerged. Does this make anyone want to turn the page? Would also appreciate any feedback on the first 13.
Erron knew this was a dream. He knew it was a message from his patron-god, like so many others over the years. What he didn’t understand was why he suddenly found himself unable to move or speak. The issue of movement, while unsettling, was far less troubling than his inability to speak. His real life affliction had never before impinged on his dream world. There was a woman, striking and graceful. Her jet-black hair fell below her waist, and blended almost perfectly with her robes. “I am a goddess! I am not one to be ordered about like-” Her protest was cut off as the robed figured she was berating raised a gloved hand.
posted
The issue of movement, while unsettling, was far less troubling than his inability to speak.
I think this could be said in a different way, like with Erron doing some action that makes him realize he cannot speak in the dream.
His real life affliction had never before impinged on his dream world. This sentence feels a bit awkward, little information and the thought isn't concluded. It would be nice to know more about the affliction without using the word "affliction"
There was a woman, striking and graceful. Her jet-black hair fell below her waist, and blended almost perfectly with her robes. “I am a goddess! I am not one to be ordered about like-” Her protest was cut off as the robed figured she was berating raised a gloved hand. This part too is a kind of awkward visual. Jet-black is a bit cliche, and blended hair and robes, I think could be recast to paint a move vivid description.
I think the 'robed figure she was berating' needs a better introduction s/he just kind of pops in there with the gloved hands and all.
This is a good start though. I'm not averse to a story starting with a dream, especially one in which the character is forced to watch something helplessly. I'm interested in the affliction.
posted
Erron knew this was a dream. He knew it was a message from his patron-god, like so many others over the years. What he didn’t understand was why he suddenly found himself unable to move or speak. This is all "telling". I think you could show it with him trying to speak or move and being unable to. What was he trying to say? Why would he be talking to the two people having an argument? Did he suddenly lose these faculties during the dream? "suddenly" makes it sound like he was going along in the dream just fine when "suddenly" he couldn't move or speak.
The issue of movement, while unsettling, was far less troubling than his inability to speak. His real life affliction had never before impinged on his dream world. I like the way you've said this. He realizes he can't talk or move, so at this point all he has to do is reflect (talk to himself mentally)
There was a woman, striking and graceful. Where? Doing what? How did she get there? I understand this is a dream, but this comes off extremely passive.
Her jet-black hair fell below her waist, and blended almost perfectly with her robes. I agree that this is a little cliche.
“I am a goddess! I am not one to be ordered about like-” Her protest was cut off as the robed figured she was berating raised a gloved hand. The robe/glove guy appears out of nowhere, he should be mentioned when the woman is, because until the last part I assumed she was talking to Erron.
As it stands, I would probably not read on, there is only a hint of a hook (why is he mute in the dream?). I think you can create some with a few minor tweaks.
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I think the danger of dramatizing his paralysis is that it wouldn't be all that interesting. We've all been in dreams, we've all experienced weird hampering of movement. I'm not sure I'd be interested in reading about his discovery of it. If he were doing something really interesting, it might work. Meaning, in dramatizing his paralysis you might lose your hook. You might have to fashion a new hook. Obviously, this will differ with readers. The benefit of dramatizing the moment, though, is that it would put him squarely in the scene. Right now, I don't know how to place him in the scene, whether he's even present or not or if he's just seeing this. Presumably, since he can't move, he experiences his physical form in some fashion.
Just a different perspective. As it is, I'd probably read on for another page to see what's happened. I'm wary of striking and beautiful women proclaiming to be goddesses (I'm worried about encountering cliches).
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited July 10, 2008).]
posted
Yeah, I understand what you're saying there, annepin. The idea I'm trying to convey is that there is an aspect of this dream that makes him realize that it's a message from his patron-god but for reasons he won't discover until later on, he is prevented from interacting with what he's seeing... sort of a recording that he's just supposed to observe and remember. Not quite sure how I want to handle presenting it yet. It might be easier just to remove mention of his physical presence entirely, especially since the other people present can't see him. After thinking about it, maybe not the best place to pick up the story, but it does lay down the motivation a couple of paragraphs further in.
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posted
if you have 18000 words or what ever, you should probably think of a title. just a thought. Also, it didn't seem to catch me. I would probably put the book down at this point. Keep trying! I see a good storyline down the road!
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