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This is really the first thirteen from chapter two, but someone was reading it and suggested that I start the whole book from chapter two. I thought about it and it seemed like a good idea, especially since nothing was really lost if I simply started with the second chapter. I worry about the hook though. It's weak at best. Also I would love anyone who would be willing to read a chapter or two. I would definetly be willing to read anything of yours in return. So here is the possible new start.
Alina stood in the middle of the chaos letting it swirl around her. It made her giddy, the children laughing and running, musicians playing, people dancing sometimes where they stood, and a hundred different conversations buzzed around her.
Harold stood next to her clearly not as relaxed as she was. Poor sweet Harold, he hated the bedlam and strangers. “There’s your sister.” Harold said pointing to a beautiful girl with deep auburn hair. Ugh, the last thing she wanted was to watch her sister flirt. She gave Harold her most mischievous grin. “Race you,” she said. “What, no, I’m not running. Everyone will stare.” Harold said. His face was already starting to turn red
posted
I'm not put off at all by the abiguity of the location and chaos. I rather enjoyed it. It forces you to focus instead on the differences between Alina and Harold. Also, love the name Alina. I would be more than happy to read more.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2008
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posted
The hook is good enough to be a lead sentence for a first chapter, let alone a second.
It's interesting as it is and I would definitely continue reading. Two questions you might ask yourself: what's wrong/superfluous with the first chapter and why are you letting 'someone' influence a work in progress?
Showing unfinshed work is dangerous. Beware!!! Some know-nothing nogoodnik might criticize you and kill your story and deprive the world of a great novel.
posted
No worries, I would never change something simply for the sake of someone else saying it needs to be changed. I have to study it out in my mind and really feel like it's right for the story. I enjoy the fresh perspectives and often find people point things out to me that I missed.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
Interesting for sure. I was a little put off by the ambiguity, but if you clarify it quickly after these 13 lines I don't think it would be a problem for me. You have "around" twice pretty close together, btw.
Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
OK the mind picture I have is of a setting in a park where a bandstand might be playing perhaps a wedding, because of the presence of a sister. The ambiguity is ok for me and is a bit of a hook to make me want to find out where it is. I can identify with Harold, being his sort myself and find Alina to be a character I would like to know better because of the mischievious dare to run away before the sister sees them. (implied) I would read more Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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