In a kingdom where magic belongs to the rare few born with colored eyes, Rortin inherited the wrong end of the spectrum. His blue eyes mark him as possessing the demonic ability to see potential futures—a talent that got his family slaughtered when he was a child.

Now he survives by the will of a royal official who keeps Rortin hidden from public knowledge. But anonymity is assured only so long as he does the official’s dirty work. Most recently, he is tasked to recover a stolen holy artifact, the Eye of the Sightless, which can summon the very demons responsible for Rortin’s ability in the first place.

Rortin must track down the all-but-invisible thief before the kingdom is plunged into a never-ending darkness and enslaved by ancient beings that can warp reality as they see fit. Yet once he recovers the artifact, what’s to stop Rortin from using it to take revenge on the city that has murdered his kind for centuries?

Hmmm, I really want to comment on the subject matter of the story itself just as much as the query’s form. Colored eyes needs an explanation since humans have irises of one color or another without exception, so…are these humans, or is it that the non-magical have pupils dotting bulbous white sclera? Ew, creepy. That actually sounds pretty cool.

We don’t need to know the name of the town unless it’s the absolute focus of the story, otherwise stick with main characters’ names only, and the fewer of those the better. This isn’t a synopsis.

“Hollow-mountain city”? Does that mean subterranean, in the cleft of a split mountain, or maybe in a caldera?

I would avoid parenthetical sentences at all costs.

feared…ability to see potential futures? Firstly this is ambiguous. I want to know if he can and this just says people think he can especially when you came right out and said he IS a drunken gambler. This is passive voice and I’d use active tense, active voice, active everything. Secondly, I’d recommend saying Rorin is clairvoyant or if you want to impress say he has oracular powers. Remember, keep it tight.

If he’s being blackmailed it stands to reason he’s been discovered already.

Name the holy artifact. Yeah, I know I said ‘stop with the names’ but this is the kingpin on which this story is revolving.

Reality-warping? Demons suffice. And they’re responsible for what talent? You alluded to clairvoyance but never stated it clearly.

In the hollow-mountain city I'd find another word instead of hollow. I know what you meant, but I had to think about it for a second. of Gartran, magic belongs to the rare few born with colored eyes—and the wrong color can get a family buried. cut out this little bit at the end. It doesn't seem necessary. Rortin is a drunken gambler who hides in the deepest warrens, for his blue eyes mark him as possessing the feared (some say demonic) ability to see potential futures. Neat. I like that.

When discovered and blackmailed by a royal official, Rortin is tasked with tracking down a stolen holy artifact, rumored to give the wielder access to the power of the Sightless—reality-warping demons that are responsible for Rortin’s talent in the first place. This is a really long sentence. Break it into two. My unpolished attempt: Rortin is discovered and blackmained by a royal official to complete a clandestine task. He must track down . . . etc. If Rortin fails, Gartran will be plunged into a never-ending darkness vauge. Telling us details of what might happen would raise the stakes for us.where its denizens won’t have a chance of seeing death when it comes for them. I am still not sure what the second half of this sentence means, and I read it three times.

Overall, I think you have a pretty interesting idea, and the beginnings of a good query. It feels a little short. Give us more details about the quest for the artifact, and who might be stopping Rortin in aquiring it. I also wanted to know if Rortin has any plans other than to just retrieve the artifact and hand it over.