When ten-year-old Billy Caldwell begins experiencing the thoughts and emotions of those around him---and realizes he can manipulate them as well---he thinks he’s becoming a superhero. He doesn’t know it, but he’s the progeny of a secret government program which has inadvertently granted him psychokinetic power over all technology in GOVERNMENT KID, my debut SF novel.

The Government Kid program ensures that only genetically perfected children are born into Earth’s warring city-states, This made me wonder how far into the future this story is. You might want to include that. where citizens integrate with their world through an imp, a nanotech implant which coalesces in the brain to become personal computer, communicator, and constant companion. cool concept, but how does it tie into the story? In this world where secrets die fast, Billy is on the run from rogue government agencies why is Billy on the run? What secret of his died fast? That he has the psychokinetic power? You started this paragraph with set up, and then jumped right into the story. I wouldn't mind a breif explaination of how the governent "inadvertenly granted" Billy the power. in a hellish urban wasteland where the sun projected on the dome overhead never sets, while the sun thing is kind of cool, it doesn't seem significant enough to include in the query the gangs in control of the streets never rest, and the only thing standing between the godlike powers of a frightened little boy and the destruction of civilization is the innocent good nature of Billy himself. long sentence. Break it up a bit. Also, the last part doesn't make sense to me. The innocent good nature of Billy is standing between the godlike powers of a frightened little boy (Billy?) and world destruction? I don't understand. Are Billy's godlike powers causing the destruction of civilization, and only Billy's good nature can stop his own actions? I can see what you are perhaps trying to say, but "stands between" doesn't seem to be the right word choice here. I could be wrong, though.

Overall, I think this sounds like a neat story. The first paragraph is good. In the second, I want to understand
1. Why the world is facing destruction?
2. What Billy's powers have to do with it, if anything?
3. How Billy can be able to potentially stop the world destruction?
Oh, and I want to know a little more about what the government is after. Why are they following him? Do they want to use him? Or destroy him?

The fresh eyes are welcome. I've had two agents request partials off this query and yet the way it reads has bugged me for weeks.

What form of rule has over-arching authority to govern warring city-states? A republic of some kind? Or a hegemony of one powerful nation over the others? Is it a global government or essentially within the U.S.? What sort of group is powerful enough to endanger the world with this technology....

For the last sentence, perhaps something along the lines of "and the godlike powers of a frightened little boy name Billy could destroy the world--or save it, but only if he can hold on to his innocent good nature.

When ten-year-old Billy Caldwell begins experiencing the thoughts and emotions of those around him---and realizes he can manipulate them as well---he believes he’s becoming a superhero. He doesn’t know it, but he’s the progeny of the Imago Dei project, a secret program that has inadvertently granted him psychokinetic power over all technology in GOVERNMENT KID, my 87,000 word SF novel.

For fifty years the Government Kid program has produced genetically perfected children for Earth’s city-states, where every citizen interfaces with their tech-immersed world via an imp; a nanotech brain implant. Billy and the others like him can hack an imp with a casual thought, but not every child shares in the innocent good nature that prevents him from misusing his talent. When a disturbed little girl irresistibly compels dozens of mothers to commit filicide, the program’s cover is blown. Suddenly Billy is being hunted by a brutal operative who would kill to obtain his powers, and authorities who will destroy him to protect a world utterly dependant on the technology permanently buried inside of every person’s head. Billy must find a way to escape before he’s forced to defend himself with godlike powers he is only now beginning to realize…and can barely contain.

I find this sentence a little unclear. "Billy and the others like him can hack an imp with a casual thought, but not every child shares in the innocent good nature that prevents him from misusing his talent." I wasn't sure whose good nature you were talking about. I think it would be work better if you said " . . . but not every child shares Billy's innocent good nature that . . ." or ". . .but not every child shares his innocent good nature, which prevents Billy from misusing . . ."

In this sentence, "When a disturbed little girl irresistibly compels . . ." I don't think you need the word irresistibly. If you used the word 'persuades' or something like that that isn't as strong of a word as 'compels' you could certainly use 'irresistibly' but when paired with 'compels' it just seems redundant.

My only nit was that in the first paragraph you refer to a project named Imago Dei, but in the first line of the very next paragraph, you call it Government Kid. It seems like they are both the same project, so I'd stick to one of the names or the other.

Oh, wren, the Imago Dei project occurs within the Government Kid program just like any top-secret weapons system exists within the DOD. I might drop the Imago Dei name as I did in earlier versions and just say, 'a top secret' or 'secret' program, but later in the letter it gets cumbersome as all get out.

quote:

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It's me again. I just looked at a thread where I gave another writer advice to use active voice and apparently I was wrong, so please disregard my advice about removing the 'hads'. I hope the other stuff is helpful.

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If the sentences read better, and convey the correct information without the "hads," then go ahead and remove them.

I remember OSC saying that every element of a story should be able to fight for the right to be there, and if the story works without it, then get rid of it.

In the future, the Government Kid program produces genetically-perfected children for Earth’s city-states, where citizens integrate with their world via an imp; a nanotech brain implant. Genetics aside, everything else in ten-year old Billy Caldwell’s life is far from perfect. Not only is his mom turning tricks to support her Shine habit, but he’s sure he’s going to be “recalled” once an upcoming Passageway Test detects the fact that he’s going nuts. After all, only crazy people can experience---and sometimes influence---the thoughts and emotions of those around them, right? He doesn’t know it, but he’s the progeny of a secret project that has inadvertently granted him psychokinetic powers over nanotechnology in GOVERNMENT KID, my 87,000 word SF novel.