posted
Opening for my patient and long-suffering WIP, about 120,000 words, soft sci-fi.
I'm looking for impressions, particularly as to what mood this sets. Comments on all other areas and stylistic comments are, of course, welcomed
________________________________________________________________ The sun was an enemy. From the first glower of pale menace in the eastern sky to the final, biting westerly glare, its rays scorched the desert in an endless cycle of retribution for some forgotten sin. The desert did not submit or cry out under the relentless attack. It did not know how. It endured and grew barren and hard, and it taught those who lived there to do the same. Even in the verdant ribbon of the valley of the Great River, where the malicious heat was softened by lush vegetation, men sweated from dawn’s first light. Beyond the edges of the valley, the morning air shimmered over baked earth and sand. The people who lived in this unkind country called the valley Kemet, the land of dark soil. They called it that because that is what it was, and because they did not know it was once part of a place named Egypt . . . [13 lines ends here]
For the most part I liked this but the personification of the desert was a bit much for my tastes. I'd rather switch to the "people's" POV. The mood is pretty gritty, and I figured we were post-apocolyptic or other-worldly before the last line. It almost feels like you are setting up a myth. Humm, that's not the best way to express what I mean. It has that big voice over feel or the same distant voice as most of the Greek and Roman myths.
My take:
quote: The sun was an enemy. GREAT first line. Definately had my interest. From the first glower of pale menace in the eastern sky to the final, biting westerly glare, its rays scorched the desert in an endless cycle of retribution for some forgotten sin. nice, but starting to wax into purple. The desert did not submit or cry out under the relentless attack. well, no of course not, it's a desert. This line and the next two were where I felt it went from great images to purple prose. It did not know how. It endured and grew barren and hard, and it taught those who lived there to do the same. You could probably save the last part by staying, "the people who lived there grew to be like the desert, barren and hard." Also, deserts aren't truly barren.
Even in the verdant ribbon of the valley of the Great River, where the malicious heat was softened by lush vegetation this is a bit purple men sweated from dawn’s first light. Beyond the edges of the valley, the morning air shimmered over baked earth and sand. Hu? The people who lived in this unkind country called the valley Kemet, the land of dark soil. couldn't you combine this with the first mention of the valley? This section seems to jump around (geographically) a bit They called it that because that is what it was, and because they did not know it was once part of a place named Egypt
The writing is strong. But, personally, I'd like to connect with someone rather than have a voice of god talk to about the scenery. I know you can't get to the hook without the Omni POV because the people don't know the land was Egypt, but maybe you could trim the description a bit to get to the story sooner. I am sure lots of people will disagree with me beause they really like the flowery descriptions, but that's my take. For what it's worth, the descriptions are really well done and vivid. I'd just prefer to paint my own pictures rather than do a color by numbers.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited October 09, 2008).]
posted
Impressions: As already said this needs to be in a character's pov for me to go on. Right now it feels like a pbs documentary about a desert and I hear an english accented narrator all of a sudden.
You can write well, and that's what is bothering me most because I want you to write a story...any story.
If, later in this story, we see characters seeking refuge in old ruins the description alone would clue us in to where they are and what used to be there even though the characters are clueless and remain so. This is the beauty of post-apoc stories, if I may say it that way. We know something they don't or can't, and that gets us involved psychologically. It's the "Oh, I get it, they're not living in a cave, they're living in a crumbling NY City subway. Dude. Coolness". So don't fritter away the discovery moments for your readers.
All this desert in the present context remindes me of Dune, so I wanted to see some immediate sign right up front that this was not a Dune clone.
Read the first page of King's THE GUNSLINGER if you want to see the best description of a desert that borders on purple but never crosses the line.
[This message has been edited by SolarStone (edited October 09, 2008).]
posted
Good comments, thanks. You've both noted that the viewpoint is initially distant and omniscient. Could I impose on either of you to read the first page or so? I'd like to know whether line 14 to the end of the page addresses your critique or not.
[This message has been edited by J (edited October 09, 2008).]
posted
I like it. I think the strongest aspect of this writing is the crisp, tangible imagery. It makes me thirsty just reading it, and it makes me want to take off my jacket and turn on a fan.
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Feel free to ship it to me. The work address has changed so use my yahoo account. I have to email a buch of feedback out on other stories so I'll actually check it.
posted
I admit I am a little prejudice here because I have a desert story in progress also. First of all, wonderful imagery. No problem at all for me to build a mind picture from it. I find a connection to the land here and wonder who peoples it already. How would you people it and retain such striking imagery in your first 13 lines? I would read more to know more about your people.
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