posted
I'm close to finishing this 60k novel, but I am trying to combine it with another novel set in the same world at the same time with different characters. I'm looking for critiques of my first 13 and people willing to read more.
The original version: Drew was opening presents in the very best dining room when his father walked in, trailed by three visitors. His arrival was so unexpected that every single person in the room froze in shock. Drew watched as a ribbon fell from his mother’s hand and drifted onto the edge of the table where it teetered and began its slow descent to the floor. It settled there, only to be stirred up when Drew’s father stalked by.
“Why are there humans in my formal dining room?” His whisper echoed like thunder in the silent room. Drew’s friends wiggled out of their chairs without moving them, and stood, rigid with fear, staring at their bare feet. Major, Drew’s aging retriever, leaned against his legs and growled so softly that Drew felt it more than he heard it.
After revision: “Why are there humans in my formal dining room?” Drew’s first reaction to his father’s arrival was disappointment. He didn’t want much—just a chance to celebrate his birthday with his friends, not the politically powerful faeries on his father’s guest list. But when he looked into his father's eyes, disappointment changed to fear and shame. His friends would take the blame for this. Major growled softly, and Drew looked away and buried his hands in Major’s fur. A ribbon fell from his mother’s hand and drifted onto the edge of the table where it teetered and began its slow descent to the floor. It settled there, only to be stirred up when Drew’s father stalked by. He grabbed his wife's wrists and shook her. “Forcing your son to sit with slaves. Shame on you!”
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited December 31, 2008).]
quote: Drew was opening presents [Why? Was it his birthday?] in the [very best dining room<--[How many do they have?] when [his father<--If this is Drew's PoV, you want to call his father by what he does: Father; Dad; Pop; Pappy, etc.] walked in, trailed by three visitors. [His<--Who? arrival was so unexpected[,] that every single person in the room [There are others in the room? How many?] froze in shock. Drew watched as a ribbon fell from [his mother’s<--the same distancing issue as "his father".] hand and drifted onto the edge of the table[,] where it teetered and began its slow descent to the floor. [Why? And was she with Father or already in the room?] [It<--What?] settled there, only to be stirred up when Drew’s father stalked by.
“Why are there humans in my formal dining room?” His whisper echoed like thunder in the silent room. [He's not human? Back up. What is he? How many are humans?] Drew’s friends wiggled out of their chairs without moving them, and stood, rigid with fear, staring at their bare feet. [Why are their feet bare?] Major, Drew’s aging retriever, leaned against his legs and growled so softly that Drew felt it more than he heard it.
Good things: 1) Nice imagery.
2) We know there is a speculative element.
Problems are: 1) Everyone should know what Drew and his father is right off.
2) How many people are in the room?
3) There is more time spent on the ribbon than Drew's friends or explaining what Drew's family are.
4) There is no fear of consequences (which is something I'd expect from the PoV), or any penetration to his feelings.
If it's from Drew's PoV, maybe he sees his father and knows he's in trouble because his father is prejudiced against non-faeries.
As usual, I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 26, 2008).]
posted
I agree with everything Babbler posted and rather than repeat I'll maybe just add on a little.
Every single person froze at Dad's entrance-- but Drew concentrated on a ribbon falling? Not consistent for me. Also -- I cannot visualize a ribbon "teetering"
"Why are there humans in my formal dining room?" This implies either that humans are allowed in another dining room or possibly other rooms in the house -- Is this what you intended?
His whisper echoed like thunder -- too hyperbolic for the scene I think
quote:There is no fear of consequences (which is something I'd expect from the PoV), or any penetration to his feelings.
If it's from Drew's PoV, maybe he sees his father and knows he's in trouble because his father is prejudiced against non-faeries
Help me with this issue. This isn't the first time someone has said that I don't penetrate deeply enough into a character's feelings--and I think I must not know how to do it. I'm trying to show, not tell, and I'm not sure what essential element I am missing.
posted
Unwritten, you are not showing any of Drew's feelings or thoughts, and those are necessary for "deep penetration" point of view. All you are showing is what Drew is doing (opening presents and then watching a ribbon fall). These things would be clear if all we had for point of view were a camera.
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posted
Kathleen's right. The thing writing PoV has over cinematic is that you can dip into the PoV's thoughts and fears. Showing reaction is fine, if it's not the PoV; if it is, we can get the thoughts along with the actions. His heart racing, thoughts of the kinds of punishments Father can unleash, how it's unfair )(in his opinion) that Father won't let him play with humans or internal questions, like: Why does he hate humans so?
Again, I hope this helps.
PS - If you have 60,000 words this way, adding the above-mentioned will probably give you 100,000 words.
posted
The essence of this is interesting, but the writing (the zoom-in on a ribbon, for example) makes it more melodramatic than I'd go for.
It can be hard, but if you do go into your character's head to revise it and get a real connection with him, then you probably at the same time can cut some of the hyperbolic literary devices.
"Rigid with fear" (a bit of a cliche), for example.
One thing you may need to do to get emotional depth here is (and I'm assuming, because I haven't read more, which I'd like to before saying something like this) to actually make a real person out of your character. I don't mean believe he's real or anything. But have you fleshed him out, so there's some whole persona there, who has specific reactions to his father, to his mother's fears, to the future before him? Have you invested him and the other characters with more than physical appearances?
When I had to take the next step with my story in "characterization" I realized I was playing off a lot of what I read in books, rather than what I saw in people. I'm sure plenty of writers have to get this realization too--that instead of going on what they know from books, it's time to equate the reality around them with what they're creating on the page.
And I really love the bit of the world I'm seeing around the edges here. It sounds like lots of fun. Don't let a big need for revision stop you!
posted
Of course I don't know what you have planned for later, but I guessed that the primary message in these two paragraphs was given by "Why are there humans in my formal dining room?" with emphasis on the word *humans*. At least that is what caught my attention. If the line is as important as I'm guessing, I would make it the very first line in the story, a stand-alone paragraph and have all the other detail information backtrack from there.
Maybe I am over reading where you plan to go, and it is just a suggestion.
posted
100,000 words? Oh my. Did I mention that this is only one of two story threads in my novel?
I'll be back in the next day or two with a revision of these 13 lines. In our house, Christmas break means long lines at the computer. Thank you for the suggestions. Melanie
quote:But have you fleshed him out, so there's some whole persona there, who has specific reactions to his father, to his mother's fears, to the future before him? Have you invested him and the other characters with more than physical appearances?
Yes...I love this character. He's my favorite character I've ever created. I don't believe my problem is that he lacks emotional depth. It's a much more fundamental problem that I have with sharing my own *real* emotions with anyone--and it has spilled over into my writing. I hadn't noticed until I tried to rewrite this scene, and I kept thinking, "But Drew wouldn't want anyone to know he felt that way." It seems like such a violation of his privacy to have to explain how he feels. Is that totally nutty?
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited December 29, 2008).]
It just complicates things for you in fiction as well as, I imagine, real life.
Sorry. Cuts both ways for all of us. I'm glad you've figured out why this is happening, though!
If Drew doesn't reveal his feelings, you need to make sure that we'll understand that about him, by knowing what his feelings are that are being suppressed from the other people around him.
Also, he only cares about the people on his plane--that is, the characters on the page with him. I don't know if keeping that in mind is helpful, but otherwise his tough times, if he has to admit to feelings and such, won't mean anything to the people you want to identify with him. The people on your plane.
posted
Here's the new (and improved????) version. Thoughts?
quote:“Why are there humans in my formal dining room?” Drew’s first reaction to his father’s arrival was disappointment. He didn’t want much—just a chance to celebrate his birthday with his friends, not the politically powerful faeries on his father’s guest list. But when he looked into his father's eyes, disappointment changed to fear and shame. His friends would take the blame for this. Major growled softly, and Drew looked away and buried his hands in Major’s fur. A ribbon fell from his mother’s hand and drifted onto the edge of the table where it teetered and began its slow descent to the floor. It settled there, only to be stirred up when Drew’s father stalked by. He grabbed his wife's wrists and shook her. “Forcing your son to sit with slaves. Shame on you!”
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited December 31, 2008).]
quote: “Why are there humans in my formal dining room?” [Who says this?] [When] Drew first [heard his father, his good mood deflated].<--[Showing instead of telling us he "felt disappointment.] He didn’t want much—just a chance to celebrate his birthday with his friends, not the politically powerful faeries on his father’s guest list.<--[Nice.] But when he looked into his father's eyes, disappointment changed to fear and shame. His friends would take the blame for this. Major[, Drew's dog,] growled softly, and Drew looked away [From?]and buried his hands in Major’s fur. A ribbon fell from his mother’s hand and drifted onto the edge of the table where it teetered and began its slow descent to the floor. It settled there, only to be stirred up when Drew’s father stalked by. He [Who?] grabbed his wife's wrists and shook her. “Forcing your son to sit with slaves. Shame on you!”<--[Nice.]
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