posted
My writing skills are akin to fingernails being drawn across the surface of a blackboard and I'm an editors worst nightmare. Thanks to the advice of some members from Hatrack, I stopped,took a step back and thought.I never thought of writing until this story materialized in my mind. Now I have 32K written and many more fighting to get out. Any help is still appreciated and I would like to know if my first 13 would entice one of you to turn the page. Thank You. ---------------------------------------------------------------- As Jon and Garic sat eating their dinner, Jon agonized over the thought this just might be their last meal together. In six hours, December 21, 2012 would be upon them and the first day of Garic’s eighteenth year will have begun. Jon once again felt great despair as he recalled the words of the prophecy. “The Chosen One shall wield no powers, less they be awakened in him by his father upon the first day of his eighteenth year.” Jon cleared his mind of the prophecy and thought of his fellow “Keepers”. Would their plans and combined powers help Garic survive the confrontation with his father, evil incarnate?
Edited version follows. ---------------------------------------------------------------- As Jon and Garic sat eating their dinner, Jon agonized over the thought this just might be their last meal together. In six hours, December 21, 2012 would be upon them and the first day of Garic’s eighteenth year will have begun. He once again felt great despair as he recalled the words of the prophecy. “The Chosen One shall wield no powers, less they be awakened in him by his father upon the first day of his eighteenth year.” He cleared his mind of the prophecy and thought of his fellow “Keepers”. Would their plans and combined powers help Garic survive the confrontation with his father, evil incarnate, or would all the years of planning and waiting die with Garic. Whatever the outcome, the indigenous beings of this planet called Earth were in for a rude awakening.
[This message has been edited by Craig (edited January 08, 2009).]
posted
Thanks BenM I'm sorry I sounded so self-deprecating,but my writing has a lot to be desired.Ask my brother in law, he no longer has any hair left after seeing my punctuation attempts. I spent a lot of hours just trying to get these few lines as close as I know how.The 32K needs much work, but I'm concentrating more on getting the story down, then correct punctuation. It's slow going,search and peck typing. I hope you give the 13 a peek though,because I appreciate the help. Craig
Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Firstly, can I say that it's great you're giving the writing project a go, but I would recommend finishing it first and worrying about the 13 lines later. The more you read and write, the more you'll (a) find your style, and (b) understand what opening for your story makes the biggest impact both as a first impression and as part of the story's whole balance.
Anyway, I had a few minutes free so...
I honestly found the 13 lines a little confusing and/or distracting. Perhaps I am simply not in the ideal target market, but here's my reasoning...
As Jon and Garic sat eating their dinner[1], Jon[2] agonized[3] over the thought this just might be their last meal together. In six hours, December 21, 2012[4] would be upon them and the first day of Garic’s eighteenth[5] year will have begun. He once again felt great despair as he recalled the words of the prophecy. “The Chosen One shall wield no powers, less they be awakened in him by his father upon the first day of his eighteenth year.”[6] He cleared his mind of the prophecy and thought of his fellow “Keepers”[7]. Would their plans and combined powers help Garic[8] survive the confrontation with his father, evil incarnate, or would all the years of planning and waiting die with Garic. Whatever the outcome, the indigenous beings[9] of this planet called Earth were in for a rude awakening.
1 - If first paragraphs have to make a big impact, first sentences do even more. I found this opening phrase somehow passive and/or not exciting enough.
2 - If you could establish the point of view immediately, you could avoid having to say Jon again. Ie, the first half of this sentence establishes no pov (Jon and Garic), so you have to say Jon again. If instead the first part started with a little more action, like "Steaming meal in hand, Jon took a seat quietly beside Garic."
I would personally be tempted to ditch Garic from the first sentence too, so I only have to introduce a character at a time. Ie, change "Garic" in this phrase to "his brother."* We can name him in a subsequent thought, and allow the reader to familiarise themselves with one person at a time.
3 - This, and then the paragraph that follows, seems backwards to me. It appears that you've told me he's agonising** over it, then shown me what he's thinking about and how he's agonising. If you're going to show me he's agonising over something, it might not be necessary to say so as well - otherwise the later exposition comes across as needless repetition and I'm bored.
You could also think about it another way - perhaps Jon might be peeved that Garic doesn't seem too bothered by the same (if he is aware of it?) and so is able to verbalise or act out the conflict he feels?
4 - I personally switch off when things get quite so specific. Firstly, I subconsciously stop reading and go and calculate that he was born in 1994, and that this year he will be 14. Now that I've been derailed so, it's harder to come back and continue reading. Secondly, it instantly dates whatever work I'm reading. For historical fiction (say, December 12, 1812) that might be less of an issue, but for speculative fiction I think it is less exciting.
5 - You probably need to decide which is more important - that he's turning 18 (or is it 17? After all, your 18th year starts after your 17th birthday :)), or that it's 2012? Or that it's December 21? Might Garic and Jon be having a pre-birthday meal? Might the sullen silence between them be more interesting because they should be celebrating?
6,7 - This is a huge info dump, with little to no context to allow us to see where it fits, how Jon or Garic know about it, and why we should suspend disbelief and embrace the idea of a prophecy and Keepers being relevant in 4 years time.
{I will also add that many readers like to be transported from where they are now, to the world and characters in fiction. This is easy to do if the pov character is identifiable and recognisable to them in some way - but difficult if the character starts out with prophecies, or superpowers, or whatever. Just a thought.}
8 - This last section is about Garic, but it's Jon doing the musing. Shouldn't Jon be concerned for himself a little? Or if Garic is the interesting one, why are we not seeing it from Garic's point of view?
9 - Does Jon really think of Earth's inhabitants as indigenous beings? Does this imply that he's an alien? Do alien's eat dinner?
On the whole I found the segment very confusing and difficult to get past the first sentence. As I said in the opening however, don't worry about that - keep writing and come back to it. It may make more sense what needs to go here after you're done (and until you're done, don't waste time on getting the opening perfect).
* or whatever. My assumption. ** forgive me, I'm Australian, that's how we spell it and it is too distracting to change everything so firefox doesn't underline it :)
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited January 09, 2009).]
posted
Hey there, and no worries, we all start somewhere .
quote:As Jon and Garic sat eating their dinner, Jon agonized over the thought this just might be their last meal together.
I feel that this sentence is very passive. Perhaps you could change the order to make it feel more story-like. I can't really explain it, but, for example... "Jon and Garic sat eating their dinner, the thought that this might be their last meal together agonized him."
quote:In six hours, December 21, 2012 would be upon them and the first day of Garic’s eighteenth year will have begun.
This sentence doesn't work so well for me. It too, feels a bit passive. The change from past tense, to future, in the bold, also confuses me. An example of how else it might be written... "In six hours, on December 21, 2012, Garic's eighteenth birthday would arrive."
quote:He once again felt great despair as he recalled the words of the prophecy.
We haven't seen him despair, so the bold is not necessary.
quote:“The Chosen One shall wield no powers, less they be awakened in him by his father upon the first day of his eighteenth year.”
Instead of using quotation marks here, you can italicize. It'll help keep the reader in a more intimate situation with the character.
quote:He cleared his mind of the prophecy and thought of his fellow “Keepers”.
The quotations around Keepers makes me think that this character views them as foreign. Are the keepers something this character has known about for a long time? If so, the quotations aren't really needed.
quote:Would their plans and combined powers help Garic survive the confrontation with his father, evil incarnate, or would all the years of planning and waiting die with Garic.
This passage confuses me, and feels very much like an info dump. What confrontation with Garic's father? Who are the keepers, and what powers do they have? I feel I have been brought too many questions at once.
quote:Whatever the outcome, the indigenous beings of this planet called Earth were in for a rude awakening.
Because I've just been burdened with so many questions, this line here really pushes me over the edge. Now I'm confused as to what genre I'm reading. I had been thinking these people were human, but now I have no idea. I am burdened with too many questions all at once.
My suggestion would be that you ease some of this information into later areas of the book, and let the beginning start with a little bit more character development. As it stands now, I'm bludgeoned with questions, and I am too frustrated by the number to want to continue.
I must hand it to you, the concept is intriguing. If there's one place your story shines for me personally, its the concept and the unique feel.
Keep at it, and you'll have it down in no time.
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 09, 2009).]
posted
I would also like to agree with what Ben said. The purpose of a rough draft is to simply get the story written down. It doesn't need to be perfect, or even good. I would recommend that you not start rewriting everything until you're done, especially with how far you are into it. The reason being is that in editing you can become very overwhelmed by the mistakes, and easily lose sight of the story. You can become depressed, and discouraged, and in the end may not finish it at all.
Either way, keep at it.
Remember, clutter words are useless. If a word doesn't bring something to the story, if its there for no other reason than to be there, get rid of it.
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 09, 2009).]
posted
Thank you BenM and Gan for taking the time to read and reply.
Now you know why my brother-in-law has no hair left.
I believe from what you have shown me I could make a better attempt, but I will take your advice and concentrate more on getting the story down and forget about the 13 lines for now.
Ben, when I used the date of 12,21 2012 I wanted to show that Garic would turn 18 on a date many believe will be the beginning for a lot of crap taking place on this planet. It coincides with the Mayan calendar.
Garic is the chosen one , but he has no idea that he is, or who his father really is, or what is about to happen to him, for there is a reason why he could not be told. Can't give it all up.
and what's an alien? someone who comes from mexico.
Thanks again and I will keep writing, so much more of the story left to be told.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
