posted
This is set slightly into the future and there isn't too much technology change, but there are great social changes. It is set here on Earth.
It started as a short story and slowly expanded its way from 4,000 words into 18,000 words and now hopefully into a full novel.
Thanks for reading.
Jaz ----
Mandy hadn’t wanted to watch the trial, or its aftermath, but she had to. There was no other choice. They had made her. The Little Man sat next to her as the man known to her as Andrew Peters, and to the rest of the world as Andrew Richards was on the stand confessing to all that they said that he did and all that they said that he was. The Little Man sat next to her as Andrew Richards was sentenced to death by the Government Tribunal. The Little Man sat next to her as the mixture of acid vapors was released into his execution chamber. And the Little Man sat next to her as the world cheered the death of a monster.
posted
Strange, yet compelling. The repetition was strong in my opinion, in a good way. although I admit I had to read it twice to understand what was going on. I think this was due to the fact that I have been reading intros for about half an hour.
There is a strange anomolly in the first line which damaged me as a speed reader. "Hadn't wanted to.... but had to" was distracting as it seemed to be a contradiction. I would reword this to make it easier on the eye.
quote:They had made her
This seems to be a device. In the MC POV, she knows who they are and it frustrates me as a reader that this is being witheld.
posted
I am having just a tad bit of trouble with the repetition of the Little Man....also if he sat next to her isn't your MC getting gassed too?...it's clear what's happening to you because you have the mind picture...set-up....for the one reading what you are painting it needs to be just as clear....sorry this just isn't working for me Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
I found this sentence too convoluted to follow without re-reading, detracting from the rest:
"The Little Man sat next to her as the man known to her as Andrew Peters, and to the rest of the world as Andrew Richards was on the stand confessing to all that they said that he did and all that they said that he was."
Too many 'man's and 'as's to keep track of easily. If it's possible, I'd break this up into more digestible pieces. In addition to being clearer, I think it would strengthen the effect of the repetition you employ later.
posted
Thank you for the feedbacks. Here's a slight revision of the opening, let me know if this works better.
Jaz
--------- Mandy hadn’t wanted to watch the trial, or its aftermath, but she had to. There was no other choice. The Little Man had made her. The Little Man sat next to her while the man known to her as Andrew Peters was on the stand confessing to all that the Government said he did and all they said he was. The Little Man sat next to her as he was sentenced to death by the Government Tribunal. The Little Man sat next to her as the mixture of acid vapors was released into his execution chamber. And the Little Man sat next to her as the world cheered the death of a Monster.
posted
The second is much clearer. The only sentence that was still ambiguous was "The Little Man sat next to her as he was sentenced to death by the Government Tribunal." On first reading I assume the he is the Little Man, but then I figured out you meant the other man. Maybe insert the name rather than the pronoun. Interesting beginning, I like it.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008
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