posted
“No!” screamed Melissa, blocking the staircase with outstretched arms. “That’s mine! Leave it, you thief!” The woman who had just resigned her position laughed and hugged her bundle more tightly. “Move, child, before I knock you down to the courtyard. Fall like that, and you might join your mother quick.” Outmatched in both size and strength, Melissa ran forward and leapt, making herself a human spear. Her head met the ex-nursemaid’s stomach, and they both collapsed on the wooden floor, Melissa on top. She dug under the woman’s arms for the bundle of cloth. “I made it. It’s worth hundreds. I have to sell it today. Give. It. Back.”
Note from Kathleen: Please go to this topic to see how to tell if it's 13 lines.
Sorry to stop mid-sentence, but that was the end of line 13. There's LOTS more to this story if you want to read on.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 06, 2009).]
posted
I like this. It's fresh, and I'm hooked, which is more than I can say for many of the other 13s I've read. I see nothing really glaring out at me, but:
While I understand what you're getting at, your reference to "The Woman who had just resigned her position" threw me a bit, and I had to reread it a few times. I'm not sure how to better phrase that, but I'd give it some thought.
As far as this mysterious bundle goes, it seems to me that you want to give it a dramatic entrance. I'm just having a hard time figuring out its dimensions. I first envisioned it a bulky object wrapped in some sort of nice cloth that required the former nurse to wrap both arms around (ie- hug). Then I read that her stomach was open for head-butt. Is it not even as big as that? Or is it just a bundle of cloth? One of my pet peeves is having to keep guessing about something that's central to a scene and, it would seem, the story.
One last thing, as I was rereading it- the phrase "making herself a human spear" doesn't quite fit. The rest of your style had been show don't tell, which is great. While it gives a colorful visualization, you might want to go with something more like this: "Outmached in both size and strength, Melissa launched herself headfirst into the ex-nursemaid's stomach, sending them flying back into a heap on the wooden floor." Saying Melissa is on top seems redundant to me.
This is just my two cents. But I liked it enough to go dig up my password and username, which haven't been used since 2004 or something. I would love to read more, if you've got it! Keep writing!
posted
How about, "Melissa vaulted into the ex-nursemaid's stomach . . ."
You're right. I guess it is redundant to mention that Melissa lands on top.
As for the bundle, it IS a bundle of cloth. I'll have to think of how to make that more obvious.
Thank you for your feedback. And for your interest. I'll type in the changes and send you more to read.
New version: “No!” screamed Melissa, blocking the staircase with outstretched arms. “That’s mine! Leave it, you thief!” The ex-nursemaid laughed and hugged the woven bundle more tightly. “Move, child, before I knock you down to the courtyard. Fall like that, and you might join your mother quick.” Outmatched in both size and strength, Melissa vaulted into the woman’s stomach, head first, and they both collapsed on the wooden floor. She dug under the fat arms for her cloth. “I made it. It’s worth hundreds. I have to sell it today. Give. It. Back.” With the last word, she fell off her enemy, shoved against the clay wall.
[This message has been edited by Deborah (edited May 06, 2009).]
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