In a province of the Idumean Empire far from Irreantum an old man was lying on top of a hill. His old fingers were interlinked underneath his old skull, providing the pillow common to those who could read stars. Of the remaining few who knew the ancient art, he alone was watching the sky tonight.

He was focused on a group of three stars he had been watching for some time. He had long ago lost count of how many years it had been. Forming the corners of a perfect triangle spanning the horizon, each shared a faint hint of blue. They seemed to alternate brightness as they shimmered in the sky. Even after all these years of watching them, they were far enough apart he was unable to tell which was brightest. It vexed him to no end.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 30, 2009).]

EDIT: I forgot to add in my pitch/summary. It reads something like this:

When a mysterious plague kills the woman he loves, Teraen is driven to find the evil enveloping the land. Taken under the wing of a powerful mage, Teraen soon finds his way into the very heart of the Empire as a member of the elite Praetorian Guard. But when his duties come into conflict with his quest for the truth, Teraen learns the hard way that truth is treason in the Empire of Lies... and the truth is more amazing, and more frightening, than he could have ever imagined...

Here's My take:

quote:

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In a province of the Idumean Empire[,] far from Irreantum[,] an old man [was lying on top<--lay atop is less static] of a hill. His [old<--Redundnat. I think you can find a better adjective, if one is truly needed.] fingers were interlinked underneath his [old skull<--[Is he flesh-less? if not, this is redundant, and adds nothing new to the character or plot], providing the pillow common to those who could read stars[Is it night? Or are the stars visible during the day?]. Of the remaining few who knew the ancient art, he alone [was watching<--watched is less static the sky tonight.

He was focused on a group of three stars he had been watching for some time[Why?]. He had long ago lost count of how many years it had been[He's been staring at that cluster of stars for YEARS???]. Forming the corners of a perfect triangle [Either a comma or a conjunction should be here.] spanning the horizon, each shared a faint hint of blue. They seemed to alternate brightness[es?[,]] [as they shimmered in the sky<--[Redundant: this is pretty much what you just described.]. Even after all these years of watching them, they were far enough apart he was unable to tell which was brightest. It vexed him to no end.

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1) I have no bearings: What is the Idumean Empire? What is Irreantum? (I'd be willing to read on to find out, if this looked to be headed somewhere.

2) Who is he? I get no sense of his character--more than patient. What is his name? Is he human? He knows who he is, what he thinks of himself as being "called", so should we.

3) Why should I care about a mundane day? I could see that a subtle hook for some would be his incredible patience, but it doesn't do enough for me. It smacks of withholding. Why is he watching those stars? Why does he care which is the brightest?

I have no indication of what time this is supposed to be in or in which direction the story is headed. There is no mysticism, magic or speculative element. I love the pitch, that has a great hook, but I can't see any of it from the first 13. Is there any way you can move it closer to something happening? Also, there are words, genre-specific words and words that indicate forward motion, that you could employ to make this seem less mundane.

I hope this helps.

Your pitch is great, so I trust that you will be able to write a good hook.

quote:

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He was focused on a group of three stars he had been watching for some time. He had long ago lost count of how many years it had been.

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I took this literally. Nothing says "studying". Did you not mean he'd been focused on the star-cluster for so many years he'd lost track?

I thinki this is where Sir Arthur C. Clarke's advice should be remembered (paraphrasing): Our job as writers in not to write so that the reader understands, our job is to write so the reader can't possibly misunderstand.

Remember, speculative fiction readers tend to take each sentence literally.

quote:

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In a province of the Idumean Empire far from Irreantum an old man was lying on top of a hill. His old fingers were interlinked underneath his old skull

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I have trouble with the skull, I have images of him looking like skeletor, I just think the word has too much power behind it to be used in this manner. Normally when I think of skulls, the image it gives me is quite dark. An old man resting his weary head, his wringed fingers cupped behind his neck… etc would be more in lines with what I would expect. For a moment I thought perhaps that all he had was a skull?

quote:

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He was focused on a group of three stars he had been watching for some time. He had long ago lost count of how many years it had been

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There are overlapping time periods here. “For sometime” suggest recent past , then you switch to “long ago lost count of how many years it had been”. I think you just need to focus on which time period is important to the plot and cancel one or the other; I think within 13 lines you will risk creating confusing if you focus on two periods.

I don’t feel any strong hooks here and I found it hard to become engaged. All I came away with after reading this is an old man has been watching stars and can’t tell which one is the brightest.

Having said that I thought the pitch was great and I would have read on past the 13 lines on the strength of it.

[This message has been edited by Sixbells (edited June 01, 2009).]

Unless you want a new thread so people won't compare your versions: please post your revision in this thread, either as a new post or as a "Version 2" in your original thread. (It drives me batty when people overwrite their original submission.)

quote:

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In a province of the Idumean Empire far from Irreantum an old man was lying on top of a hill

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Here is the same opening to my intro scene with your comments edited in. Essentially, I saw that I was starting too slow. This moves the action forward a little bit, and I can go back and fill some of those details I need in later.

Stargazing required focus, and the old man was quite irritated at the interruption. He was lying on top of a hill, content to study a particular triad of until they dipped below the horizon.
“Scurcifer!” called the voice a second time from the camp down below. In the old tongue it meant Bearer of Filth. It never ceased to amaze the old man that insults were the only remnants of that beautiful language still in use. They called him that because he was given the duty of cleaning up after the horses. "Get off your lazy backside and take these horses to water."
He wondered how they would behave if they knew he could kill them with less than a flick of his wrist.
Perhaps it was time to find out.

"content to study a particular triad of until they dipped "

It does bother me a bit that we are in his head, but he refers to himself as "the old man". The first use is ok, but not when it is repeated. Doesn't he have a name for himself? Now if he doesn't remember his name, doesn't really care, that might be interesting... Perhaps use his name in place of "He"... Or perhaps use his name in place of the first "old man" and have the boss call him a lazy old man...?

Very tiny nits: "the voice" -- what voice? "a voice" or "the boss' voice"
"horses" repeated twice close together.

Also, I have a question regarding this voice. My Old Man is the viewpoint character, but I'm not sure how referring to himself by a name means much. Perhaps it isn't good style, but I want him to remain mysterious for now, as the revelation of who he is will be a large part of the plot. But I also realize I can't keep writing "old man..."

Without revealing his real name, would it fix the viewpoint issue if I referred to him throughout the rest of this scene using the pejorative they called him? ie:

Version III

Stargazing required focus, and the old man was quite irritated at the interruption. He was lying on top of a hill, content to study a particular triad of stars until they dipped below the horizon.
“Scurcifer!” called the crew leader a second time from the camp down below. In the old tongue it meant Bearer of Filth. It never ceased to amaze "Scurcifer" that insults were the only remnants of that beautiful language still in use. They called him that because he was given the duty of cleaning up after the horses. "Get off your lazy backside and get them some water."
Scurcifer wondered how they would behave if they knew he could kill them with less than a flick of his wrist.
Perhaps it was time to find out.

or is it too forced?

Why can't he have multiple names, from different social circles or times of his life? A nickname that he prefers? It's common enough. Perhaps he currently goes by a name related to his position, or his age?

This character is not my main viewpoint character for the novel, though he is for this scene. I want to quickly establish that he's a bad guy, but leave him unnamed. Also, there is a key part in this opening that precludes me from using anyone else in the group as the viewpoint character...

I'm looking to see if the opening scene stands up to the same litmus test of "would I keep reading?"