posted
a small segment designed to get you hooked...
He notched his dagger as he walked away, and a half smile tugged his lips. He looked into the rain filled sky, and watched as lighting played across the clouds. “One by one, the kings men fall.” He turned and walked into the darkness, which swallowed him like a shadow.
posted
Hmm. Is this your first few lines of a novel, or a segment that you would put on a dust cover? Either way, I would like a name or at least a noun in place of the first “He”. It does give an effective snapshot to raise interest.
“notched his dagger” can go two ways—it sounds like he’s chalking up another victory (good) or like he’s damaging his weapon (not so smart).
“tugged at his lips”
There is a repetitive pattern that keeps grabbing my attention: He notched, and smiled. He looked, and watched. (I’d change the second sentence.)
Needs an apostrophe: king’s or kings’
Is this guy the person talking, or is someone else present? Needs a dialogue tag.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited June 30, 2009).]
So it should...darkness and shadows share a similar heritage; they both form where there is an absence of light. In fact one could say that they are one and the same thing, the only difference is that shadow usually has some light around it.
quote:He notched his dagger as he walked away, and a half smile tugged his lips.
What happened here? Is he notching the handle of his dagger as a markign to denote another murder? Is he putting it away and smiling because he got a great deal at a flea market? Did he notch the edge of the blade being careless on a hard surface? This means too many things. You are withholding information from the reader. We need more details.
quote: He looked into the rain filled sky, and watched as lighting played across the clouds.
Did you mean 'lightning' or is there sky lights illumniating from the ground?
quote:“One by one, the kings men fall.”
I see your MC likes to speak in cliches
quote:He turned and walked into the darkness, which swallowed him like a shadow.
This analogy does not work. They are too close and you use a weaker meaning as a simile for a stronger one. Besides shadows don't swallow. They cover. They shade. Darkness swallows. An ocean can swallow. Serpents swallow. Swallow implies that he disappered, you really don't disappear in shadow. You may want to find another word for your analogy.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited July 06, 2009).]
posted
I'm afraid there's not much here to keep my interest. Is this from the beginning of your story, or the middle, or...?
I have no context. Did he kill someone? Is he about to? Why should I care?
He notched his daggerWhy is he notching his dagger? Why would he damage the blade that way? as he walked away away from what?, and a half smile tugged his lips. He looked into the rain filled sky, and watched as lighting played across the clouds. “One by one, the kings men fall.” so he murdered someone. that's something, at least. He turned so he's going back the way he came? where's that? and walked more walking... hm.... into the darkness, which swallowed him like a shadow as well it should--darkness usually contains shadows.
posted
Personally, I thought it was great for a teaser. Because if it's a teaser, we're not supposed to know everything, we're just supposed to want to. I also think that it's pretty obvious that he's notching his dagger as in "I just killed someone else, add another tally mark" kind of way, because nothing gives the impression that he's done something stupid to his knife or dagger or whatever, but there is evidence that he just killed someone. I liked it more than a lot of other stuff I've read lately; it was quick and vivid. I could see him (he's big and acary-looking), I could see the sky... I would turn the page.
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