Blood spatter decorated his face adding (adding what? Gore? Needs clarification, I think.) to a frenzied grin and grinding teeth. A road lined with corpses, hacked limbs and severed heads lay behind him; (semicolons are meant to denote a greater separation than periods, but the sentences on either side are generally supposed to be complete.) the end of a long red carpet leading to his final challenge, Isis. She stood tall in black leather boots to her knees and tribal tattoos growing from the cuffs up exposed thighs and disappearing into the folds of a tiny mesh skirt. (This sentence leaves me a little breathless.) Her skin was almost bronze through the black leather straps that flowed erratically (flowed where? Down her torso? Also I think a comma between erratically and covering might be helpful, but then again I’m comma happy.) covering only the vitals (vital what? Vital organs? I'm confused. I was assuming it was protection, but I might have been confused given the other commenters take). She held a metal staff and a whip hung from a strap on her left hip.
She stared back at Sean in the middle of the arena. Cheers and shouts from the crowd; (again, I think a semicolon should be followed and preceded by complete sentences.) nothing more than a far away drone to the two competitors. He stood with long sword clasped in both hands; (Same thing with the semicolon.) shield struck from his grasp long ago. They looked into each other’s eyes trying to play the impending battle through their minds one step at a time. Who would make the next move?

I like it. It sets up an interesting beginning, and the use of the name Isis, gives me a good idea of the mythological proportions of this book. My suggestions are basically minor, but I think they would help with the flow. Enjoyed reading. Thanks.

[This message has been edited by Rexwell (edited July 22, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Rexwell (edited July 22, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Rexwell (edited July 22, 2009).]

Covering only the essentials does not make her seem fierce only stupid. Who would want to fight to the death with so much skin exposed?

If you want me to take her seriously as a competitor, you need to show me that she is smart by having her dress appropriately.

That is really my only complaint.

Thank you Rexwell, I looked up semicolon use, and while it doesn’t specifically say that the two pieces have to be complete sentences I found no examples where it combined two sentence fragments, so I made those changes.

MAP: I completely understand where you’re coming from. Although I thoroughly enjoy scantily clad fighting women, I do sometimes balk at the utility in such circumstances. In this case, however, it makes sense.

Perhaps I should have given a pitch or set the scene in some way instead of just throwing out the first 13, but I was excited to just make my first post in this thread. So here goes one on the fly:

Saving Ava, my first complete manuscript: about 107,000 words, 10 chapters. It’s a science fiction set about 150-200 years in the future. With the help of a Matrix like game a 1984 kind of society is held in a state of total ignorance toward the rest of the world. The protagonist, Sean, goes through a comic book style metamorphosis from average Joe into John Q. Superhero. He’s then thrown into an adventure and ends up saving the girl, Ava, with help from others he meets along the way. (I don’t think this really gives away that much more than the title.)

If anyone is interested in reading a chapter or two I would be happy to send them.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 22, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by morgansmarcos (edited July 23, 2009).]

quote:

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Although I thoroughly enjoy scantily clad fighting women, I do sometimes balk at the utility in such circumstances. In this case, however, it makes sense.

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The start has plenty of tension--action and immediate threat to the main character. Sean is already shown with heroic proportions. My opinion is that he's also characterized as a butcher who might need to change before he would care enough to undertake the rescue of another. If that's the intent, it worked.

Blood spatters and frenzied grin are observable to others, but not himself. He might feel frenzied, but he can't see the decoration of his face nor the grin. Grinding teeth would be seen or heard by only himself or someone very close. The point is that there is a point-of-view issue in the first sentence. Neither Sean nor Isis could perceive all of them. Isis is named and elaborately described in the first paragraph, but Sean isn't named until the second. That clue as to point of view would point to Isis. The Pitch says the whole thing is about Sean. If the intent is to tell the story from Sean's POV, I think the opening would need to be rearranged.

The 'road lined with corpses' etc. is vividly gory. It gives the image of a long trek filled with combat. Speculative fiction readers tend to take such things literally. It's a jarring contradiction to find that the whole thing is in an arena. The 'road' has to run around the arena, or be much shorter than the image projected in the first paragraph.

The short mesh skirt and strategically errant straps work for me, especially with the whip. I guess it's a guy thing.

Such things are often characteristic of fantasy set in the past or post-apocalyptic future, as in Mad Max or Waterworld. The pitch refers to science fiction in a future time, but no science element appears in the first 13 lines.

Thank you very much for your comments. I realize the apparent conflict beginning what's supposed to be a sci-fi novel in a very fantasy-like setting. What you don't know yet is that they aren't actually in an arena at all, they're both playing a VR game (which means that anything they wear is all for show and not utility anyway.

I do agree, however, with the part about the long road lay behind him, perhaps I should change that, but I really like the idea of a red carpet metaphor as a kind of bloody path up to his last opponent. I'll try to come up with a different set up.

The POV of the book changes with each chapter and character introduction. It's mostly in third-person omniscient, and I imagined the opening scene like the opening of a movie. Each line is supposedly a different camera angle, the first being a close up of Sean's face.