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Author Topic: Silverbrook (new) - first 13
Telik
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Greetings all. After many complaints that I should put my prologue back into my book, I have done so. Therefore my first 13 is no longer the same. Now, I have to make sure my prologue's first 13 is good too.

All criticisms, spitting, clawing an even compliments welcome

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D’Alias dug his heels into the dirt when a strong wind shoved him backward. The surrounding stalks of corn rustled and swayed in the gust. He stiffened as pain stabbed in his lower back. After enjoying the novel discomfort for a time, he willed the anguish to disappear.

A thousand whispers and scents from far lands rode the wind and brought comforting memories. With his fingers, D’Alias absentmindedly traced the features of the lion’s head carved into the top of his oak staff. His long, gray hair tossed about his face and tears formed in his ancient eyes. It was early summer in the Year of Armach, 225. Nearly five generations had passed since the Great War devastated North Emphyria. D’Alias knew the continent’s history too well, and was now content to leave it alone.


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SavantIdiot
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I have commented a lot, I see. I liked it, though, and I would have kept reading.

D’Alias dug his heels into the dirt when a strong wind shoved him backward. *This seems unlikely. If you are shoved backward, digging your heels in might send you right onto your bottom. If he were shoved from the back, forward, that would work.* The surrounding stalks of corn rustled and swayed in the gust. *I don't see what this sentence does for you. I see why you like it and I like it too, but it feels kind of all by itself. Maybe make it part of the action?* He stiffened as pain stabbed in his lower back. *There is something just a little awkward in this sentence.* After enjoying the novel discomfort for a time, he willed the anguish *word choice; anguish is more emotional than physical - and his immediate emotion was pleasure in the novelty of it* to disappear.

A thousand whispers and scents from far lands rode the wind and brought comforting memories. With his fingers, D’Alias absentmindedly traced the features of the lion’s head carved into the top of his oak staff. His long, gray hair tossed about his face and tears formed in his ancient eyes. It was early summer in the Year of Armach, 225. Nearly five generations had passed since the Great War devastated North Emphyria. D’Alias knew the continent’s history too well, and was now content to leave it alone.

So it sounds like he's coming home or back to a place with emotional history for him, the three seemingly unrelated sentences work to give him an air of contemplation and maybe distraction and then we see his tears. I sort of like it, he's an old man, maybe with his emotions driven by old memories. Though the tears come thinking about THIS place and the emotive scents are about OTHER places. The scents on the wind from far away places may not work for you here.

Can I complain about his name? Can we change it to Ernie or something? I see 'the alias' every time I see 'D'Alias'.

Having made all this semi-derogatory noise, I am interested in what happens next.


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Telik
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Thank you kindly for the response! You know, I was seriously considering changing the name anyway, and you encouraged me to do so. How does this read now?

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A sharp pain stabbed Sephrus in the lower back as he bent his head against a strong wind. He stiffened, hoping the novel discomfort would last. After enjoying the anguish for a time, he willed it to disappear. When he relaxed his body, he sniffed at the air.
A thousand whispers and scents from far lands rode the wind and brought comforting memories. His long, gray hair tossed about his face and tears formed in his ancient eyes. With his fingers, Sephrus absentmindedly traced the features of the lion’s head carved into the top of his oak staff. With a smile, he forced the thoughts of distant ages from his mind. He was a farmer now, intent on leading a simple and harmonious life on a cottage ranch.


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Andrew_McGown
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sorry mate, but you had me right til the word 'ranch'
'ranch' is a frothing-at-the-mouth americanism.

If you want to set your story squarely in a post 1800 western united states, perhaps western canada at a push, then use ranch, otherwise it's just wrong for the kind of scene you are trying to create.

If 'ranch' hadn't clanged like that I would have happily read on.

I wondered about the whispering wind thing, is it a magical sensation he is experiencing, or literal what about the scents, does he smell far off lands in the breeze, does he smell tilled earth and animal dung too?

[This message has been edited by Andrew_McGown (edited September 04, 2009).]


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SavantIdiot
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Clearly he is picking up magical markers the closest possible reference to might be 'whispers' and 'scents'.

I still don't like the word anguish there, the word to me indicates emotional pain and not physical. Cottage ranch disturbed because the two words don't fit together. A ranch wouldn't have a cottage. The same problem Andrew had but from a Texan's perspective. You might have a small ranch house.... but a cottage .... maybe a beach cottage but then it wouldn't be a ranch.

Oh, the article 'a' in front of wind. I think that jars a little. It feels like it should be something more specific to the wind which is causing the discomfort. I would definitely keep reading and teach the old dude how to braid his hair at some point.


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SavantIdiot
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Oh, and Sephrus I like much better. As long as his last name isn't Snape.
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