posted
All ciritque, advice, and comments are welcomed. Thanks. This is the new opening.
In the Frew forest where thick brush almost drowned out the sun, Skyla waited to pass through the old tree, after her best friend Oceana.
Oceana brushed her hands up along her long ears that extended a little past her white flowing hair, then transformed into yellow lightning but retained her elf form. She zapped through the old Frew tree, leaving a little burn mark. Once on the other side, she walked around the Frew and waved at Skyla.
"Your turn."
Skyla's heart raced and her cheeks burned as she looked at Lur. Treesa, the instructor. "I'm not feeling well."
"You're never feeling well when we're passing through trees," said Lur. Treesa.
It seems to read okay, but I'm having a little trouble getting orientated. I think I'm mainly stumbling because there seems to be about four characters introduced in a very short time, and I'm having a hard time following whose who. If it's possible to introduce the characters at a more measured pace, I'd probably have an easier time of it. Or maybe going the other way and introducing them all at once "w, x, y and z where standing around...etc."
In the second paragraph Oceana seems to transform in a magnificent yellow with white hot spots something, but you don't say what.
I had to do a double take to see that Lur. Treesa is a single character; the full-stop after Lur threw me.
[This message has been edited by Dropbear (edited October 05, 2009).]
posted
Isn't Lur. just an abbreviated honorific, like Mr. or Prof. ?
My nit-picks: shouldn't there be a comma between "after her best friend" and "Oceana" in the first paragraph? And, I'd use "down" instead of "along" and "as they" instead of "that" before "lay smoothly against her head" in the next paragraph--"along her long ears" sounds awkward to me.
Hmm. Looking at the "elf outline" makes me re-think the ears. Maybe they aren't floppy rabbit-type ears, then? The way you've said it makes them sound that way.
posted
Good points everyone. I was thinking about making it Lur instead of Lur. Later it is explained what Lur. is.
quote:"Why do we call her Lur. Treesa?" Skyla asked. Oceana raised an eyebrow. "Where did that come from?" "It just popped in my head. I mean, what does Lur. mean? Why do we call instructors that?" "I can't believe you never learned this, dummy. Lur. stands for learned one."
Should I just use Lur Treesa?
Corky, thanks for pointing that out. Now that I read it from your POV, it does sound like rabbit's ears. I will rewrite that.
I forgot to answer you question about the comma after "best friend." Tehcnically, yes, there should be, but when the title is so related to the name, there needs not be. Like, her husband Jack.
[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited October 06, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited October 06, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited October 06, 2009).]
posted
I'd suggest removing the full stop after Lur.
I read your upload, but this line still confuses me:
"...then transformed into a magnificent yellow with white hot spots."
Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I can't see what she's transforming into. I know its magnificent and has white hot spots, but what is it? Is it "a magnificent yellow streak with white hot spots", or "a magnificent yellow bunny-rabbit with white hot spots"?
[This message has been edited by Dropbear (edited October 06, 2009).]
posted
Thanks dropbear. Hopefully, this paints the image I was shooting for.
Oceana brushed her hands up along her long ears that extended a little past her white flowing hair, then transformed into yellow lightning but retained her elf form.
posted
Is brushing her hands along her long ears part of the spell she is working? Or are you including that to get the point across that she is an elf with long ears?
posted
Corky, it is her way of focusing, but I also wanted to show what kind of elves they were, long eared one's like in WOW.
What abou this?
Oceana brushed her hands up along her long ears that extended a little past her white flowing hair. Then she transformed into yellow lightning while retaining her elf form.
OR
Oceana brushed her hands up along her long ears that extended a little past her white flowing hair, her way of focusing. Then she transformed into yellow lightning while retaining her elf form.
posted
The first one is better if the point of view is supposed to be Skyla's, and the second one is better if the point of view is supposed to be Oceana's (unless Skyla knows that's how Oceana focusses, I suppose).
But "along her long ears" still seems awkward to me. Maybe I'm just quibbling. Sorry.
posted
As to the ears, I thinking dropping the word 'long' would solve everything. Unless her ears are long for elves, she won't be thinking of them as long but them peeking up through her hair, plus mentioning 'elf' in the same sentence would tell us what we need to know.
I need more description about everything and everyone here. I didn't get a good impression of the setting or the characters.
I liked the Lur Treesa being 'Learned One' but agree you should lose the period or make it Lr or similar.
It was too sparse for me, I didn't have much interest in the characters or the setting.
posted
Savant, I feel what you're saying, but you don't want too much description in the first 13. The first 13 is only about 120 words. Nonetheless, here is the actual first 13 to End of All. I chopped out a lot in the first example I posted because I wanted Lur Treesa to be in it. But below is the first 13 as it appears in the novel.
quote:In the Frew forest where thick brush almost drowned out the sun, Skyla waited to pass through the old tree, after her best friend Oceana. Skyla looked around at the other kid elves who waited anxiously to go next, anxiously because they could zap through trees without a problem. But not Skyla. She hated practice.
Oceana brushed her hands up along her long ears that extended a little past her white flowing hair, her way of focusing. Then she transformed into yellow lightning while retaining her elf form. She zapped through the old Frew tree, leaving a little burn mark in the white bark. Once on the other side, she walked around the Frew, ducked under blue leaves, and waved at Skyla.
"Your turn."
Here is the link to the first chapter if anyone wishes to read it.
posted
In the Frew forest where thick brush almost drowned out the sun...
[Here I think the word almost is not needed, and perhaps change drowned to drowns. I still think, however, that the first sentence is too long and wordy. Also, you mention that it is brush that drowns out the sun and not the trees. This leads me to believe that the "creatures" introduced here are small, as brush is normally close to the ground. Was this your intent? Are they the Wee Folk?]
...other kid elves...
[Just my take, but "kid" seems rather juvenile, unless of course you are writing to children or in dialog. If not then perhaps "young" might work better.]
Oceana brushed her hands up along her long ears...
[Here I would not use "along" but maybe "over" or "across" instead. Think of it like this: he brushed the paint across the canvas.]
Then she transformed into yellow lightning...
[Here I would mention retaining the elf form first then describe the transformation. "She retained her elfin form even as she transformed into yellow lightning (or some such). Is there any significance to the lightning being yellow, if not then I wouldn't use it.]
...she walked around the Frew...
[Here I get quite confused so maybe you can clear something up. Your character Oceana zapped through a Frew tree (which obviously gives its name to the forest at the beginning), but she comes out the other side of the tree, I assume, and walks around the Frew. Here I get an image of Oceana talking a long stroll around the forest and not the tree. Just how I saw it as I read it, sorry. Perhaps you need to be a little more clear that it was the tree and not the woods that she circumnavigated.]
Your story has a cute premise, only I'm not clear about the setting and might not read on.
posted
Oh, by the way, I wanted to make a brief comment about Lur.
If, in your world build Learned One is abbreviated to Lur. then I think you should keep it that way (period/full stop and all), since it is your creation.
However, I also believe it imperative that you explain it right away and NOT later as you suggest in this post that you do.
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Thanks. This is the new opening. 
