posted
Here we go, the first 13 of chapter 3, freshly re-written... again. I tried to do some more showing. On this, I'm not really looking for feedback on the hook as much, I figure the reader is on page forty-something and is either invested in it or has put it down in complete bordeom.
I am looking for feedback on the showing and what I could do to improve my "showing ability".
John paced back and forth in front of the central HUD’s starmap. Each footfall echoed across the metallic expanse of the flight deck. With gritted teeth he jabbed his finger into the holographic highlight that represented the Revenge.
“Has anyone figured out why we dropped out of hyperspace near Drover?”
There was a brief exchange of glances between Matt and Serenity. Their eyes questioned, neither willing to comment.
He looked at Jen, who shook her head no.
Forcing himself to stop pacing, he leaned over and began tapping his finger against the console, "Well?" he said, "are we going to just hang around or is someone going to figure this out?"
posted
"Has anyone figured out why we dropped out of hyperspace near Drover?”
seems to be the key sentence in the excerpt, but no reason why. Is that elsewhere? The fingers poking and tapping indicate some intensity, but not of what type -- anger? fear? suspicion? Maybe a facial expression here would provide a clue.
Same for the last sentence. The sarcasm indicates something about his opinion of his crew, but what? Lazy? Incompetent? Clueless? Afraid? Some hint in his bearing maybe or tone of voice? (Same words, different tone would mean different things.)
[John paced back and forth...] Here you don't have to say back and forth, paced is fine by itself.
[Each footfall echoed...] Here you give the impression that the flight deck is so quiet that his footsteps are the loudest noise around. Did you mean to do this? I would think a flight deck would be awash with buzzes, and hums, and clangs, etc...
[...neither willing to comment.] Would the neither refer to Matt and Serenity or their eyes. Not trying to be sarcastic, so apologies if it comes out that way, but you use the correlation in the same sentence that you mention their eyes is all.
[...who shook her head no.] The word "no" is not necessary. Shook implies a "No" just as Nod implies a "Yes".
[Forcing himself to stop pacing, he leaned...] Here your tenses change too often in this sentence. Use forced instead of forcing, tapped instead of tapping. And you don't need the "he said" since the dialog follows the action we understand it to be him speaking.
Something like: John stopped pacing, leaned over the HUD, and tapped his fingers on the console. "Well? Are we going to just hang around...
quote:[Each footfall echoed...] Here you give the impression that the flight deck is so quiet that his footsteps are the loudest noise around. Did you mean to do this? I would think a flight deck would be awash with buzzes, and hums, and clangs, etc...
I worked the flight deck of an aircraft carrier for six years. During scheduled ops, its a constant roar. During down time (majority of the day) the only sound is the wind if you are on the bow or the wake if you are near the fantail. During that down time you may hear someone jogging, playing football, or catch someone peacefully sleeping in a catwalk. Same goes for the hangar bay below deck, except they have basketball courts down there.
Jeff were you Navy? HUD seems like a Navy/Air Force term that might not be known to everyone.
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited November 25, 2009).]
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