posted
I posted the first 13 of this story during the summer and got some great advice. Now I'm done editing the story and am back to chapter one, so I thought I'd put the new first 13 on here to see if it works any better. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
In addition, I'm about to start sending this to agents, and I would appreciate it if someone would read the first five or six pages to tell me if they would read on.
First 13:
quote:Scott and Jenny waited for Philip as long as they dared. But now the sun was setting, so they hurried down the path through the woods without him. In the distance Jenny caught a glimpse of torches, and pulled on Scott’s hand to make him go faster. She realized that the sound she’d mistaken for her beating heart was really drums.
Scott stepped in front of her, looking worried. “Gypsies aren’t regular fairies, Jenny. Promise me you’ll stay close to me.”
She laughed. “Or what? You’ll tell on me?”
“I’m not kidding. Male fairies love beautiful women, and gypsy fairies aren’t exactly known for being trustworthy.”
She peered over his shoulder, bouncing on her toes. “It’ll be fine. I can see their camp, Scott.”
Thanks! Melanie
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited February 16, 2010).]
posted
This is very interesting, I like it. Here are my nits.
quote:Scott and Jenny waited for Philip as long as they dared. But now the sun was setting, so they hurried down the path through the woods without him. In the distance Jenny caught a glimpse of torches, and pulled on Scott’s hand to make him go faster. She realized that the sound she’d mistaken for her beating heart was really drums.
This last line could be stronger. I think it would be better to describe her pounding heart and then realized it was in beat with the drums or mistaken for the drums.
Scott stepped in front of her, looking worried. “Gypsies aren’t regular fairies, Jenny. Promise me you’ll stay close to me.”
The Gypsies aren't regular fairies seems a little as you know bobish. I think you should cut it and just have him say "Promise me you'll stay close." You don't need the "to me" at the end, we get it.
She laughed. “Or what? You’ll tell on me?”
“I’m not kidding. Male fairies love beautiful women, and gypsy fairies aren’t exactly known for being trustworthy.”
This warning is a little vague and doesn't feel urgent. I think if you are more specific this would be better, unless Scott has a good reason for being vague.
She peered over his shoulder, bouncing on her toes. “I’ll be fine. I can see their camp, Scott.”
That's all I got. Good luck.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited February 17, 2010).]
posted
It took me a minute to figure out what you meant by "as you know bobish" but I think you make a good point. That sentence was originally an answer to a comment Jenny had made, but I eventually cut her comment out completely, and now I wonder if that sentence could go too. Would it work to just say,
quote:Scott stepped in front of her, looking worried. "Promise me you'll stay close."
posted
I like it, and want to know more. Like why are they going to see the gypsies and how dangerous is it really? So, I guess I'm saying I would read a little further to find out what the story is about.
I don't mind reading a page or two if you need. I'm in serious procrastination mode.
posted
Having read somewhat further into the story , this is a comment more on the first chapter than the first 13.
Scott is worried about one kind of danger, here, but there's another that neither of them is aware of yet. I think it would strengthen the story if you could find a way to foreshadow that, here. Not necessarily in the first 13, of course, but in the first chapter.
Maybe in the way Jenny responds to the fairies and the magic in the air with more than her usual excitement. Maybe from Philip (who presumably does know the truth) when he catches up to them. You're never in his POV, so he could say something that perhaps Jenny doesn't understand or misunderstands at the time. (I don't think you can do it from Grandma's POV without withholding.) Start to give an indication, right up front, that Jenny might have more to fear than any other girl in Hamilton so that when that danger becomes very real later on it feels like you've been building toward it from the beginning.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited February 17, 2010).]
quote:It took me a minute to figure out what you meant by "as you know bobish" but I think you make a good point. That sentence was originally an answer to a comment Jenny had made, but I eventually cut her comment out completely, and now I wonder if that sentence could go too. Would it work to just say,
quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scott stepped in front of her, looking worried. "Promise me you'll stay close." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, I think it is much better. The gypsy fairies are mentioned in the next couple of lines much more naturally.
posted
I like the personalities you give your characters, and I can easily tell or at the very least guess about their relationship. I do believe that the wording could be a tad bit stronger. Otherwise, it's fine.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2010
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posted
The only reason I'd not read on is that fairy stories, I having unfairly stereotyped them as being twee, usually don't find their way onto my reading list. Unless someone recommended one as being completely awesome and a must-read.
If there is intended to be some sort of visceral conflict here to get the story started, it is perhaps undermined by having the characters talk about the conflict rather than experience it. If it's not telling vs showing, it's simply too detached for me to care what happens and my prejudice of fairy stories kicks in.
posted
I'd like to read the first 5-6 pages. (I skipped the first 13 and crits on it so I'd come at it fresh, not in line-edit mindset.) All I know at this point is that it has something to do with fairies, and I like the title.
Posts: 785 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I've read it and am half-way through commenting. I'm so slow in part because I'm busy and in part because I am so very detail-oriented. Hope to get back to you NLT Saturday. So far so good.
Can another someone or two read her first few pages? I don't want my review to get too much weight
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