QUERY: Magician:Spy

Panix Gavid has a problem. He's a magician and he's just too talented for his own good. His talent gets him beaten up in magician's school. The owner of a metalworks, located in a distant country, offers him a job. He grabs it, taking along his new wife. Even his wife gets tired of his exceptional talent and she falls into the arms of a traitorous government minister. The owner eventually fires him as he becomes uneasy with Panix's superior magical ability.

Through an ex-spy that mentored Panix at school, he is recruited into his country's intelligence service because the opposition, a magic-deprived country, desperately desires a monopoly on the world's emerging steam technology. It puts him on a collision course with a headstrong young woman, the owner's daughter. Through his efforts fighting the opposition, he learns he must use his talent to innovate in order to survive. He struggles on the job while he learns to manage his team and manage his relationship with the headstrong young woman. It's a tougher task than magic ever was.

Magician:Spy is a 94,000 word fantasy adventure-thriller, set in a world where magic is often used in place of technology and technology is rapidly catching up.

I have attached (whatever the agent requests). I appreciate your time in reading this query and any consideration of representation.

This is my first draft of the query letter for my Panix novel.

QUERY: Panix versus the Murgontians

Panix versus the Murgontians is a 94,000 word fantasy adventure-thriller set in a land where a moribund magic-based economy is challenged by Murgontia's steam-based technology. Panix is at the center of this change as he struggles with his own issues while he creates new ways to deal with an aggressive Murgontian threat to the stability of his world.

Panix Gavid is a powerful magician where one with is talent is expected to join academia. He rejects teaching for a job in a far off land.. Circumstances have forced him to join the intelligence service of the land of his birth so he can help fight the unwanted advances of the Murgontian military and intelligence agencies. Panix is plagued with a failed marriage, doubts about the best way to manage his emotions and his magic, and finding his father's murderer. Along the way. he forms a team to innovate the science of investigation and techniques to combat the Murgontian threat.

I am seeking an agent who can help me introduce Panix and his team to the public. I have attached (whatever the agent requests). I appreciate your time in reading this query and any consideration of representation.

Regards,

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Panix versus the Murgontians is a 94,000 word fantasy adventure-thriller.

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Don't start with this, it's not the most interesting thing. Put the genre and word count nearer the bottom of the query. Start with the story, unless you've got some personalization for a particular agent.

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I am seeking an agent who can help me introduce Panix and his team to the public.

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This is obvious. You don't need to waste any of your precious 250 words on it.

I'll come back tomorrow with more on the story pitch itself. You'll probably have more responses by then.

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Panix versus the Murgontians(1) is a 94,000 word(2) fantasy adventure-thriller set in a land where a moribund magic-based economy is challenged by Murgontia's steam-based technology. Panix is at the center of this change(3) as he struggles with his own issues(4) while he creates new ways(5,9) to deal with an aggressive Murgontian threat(9) to the stability(9) of his world.

Panix Gavid is a powerful magician(6) where(7) one with is talent is expected to join academia. He rejects teaching(8) for a job in a far off(9) land.[.] Circumstances(9) have forced him to join the intelligence service of the land(9) of his birth so he can help fight the unwanted advances of the Murgontian military and intelligence agencies. Panix is plagued with a failed marriage(10), doubts(5) about the best way to manage his emotions(11) and his magic, and finding his father's murderer(11). Along the way[,] he forms a team to innovate(5)(9) the science of investigation and techniques to combat the Murgontian threat.

(12) I am seeking an agent who can help me introduce Panix and his team to the public. I have attached (whatever the agent requests). I appreciate your time in reading this query and any consideration of representation.

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1) I have a question about the title. It implies I already know Panix. But assuming this is a first Panix novel, I wonder what the attraction will be for a reader who hasn't heard of Panix to pick it up off the shelf.

2) I agree that this could go after the next paragraph.

3) Might this be shown in the pitch rather than told in this exposition?

4) sounds ambiguous and makes me feel ambivalent.

5) Why? Like, what's his motivation, what makes him tick? I get no feel for him here.

6) Might this be too cardboard an opening?

7) This doesn't quite make sense. Is this referring to Panix? Should it be who? Or is something missing ("in a land where")?

8) I get no feel for why this is important to him. Should it be cut?

9) Ambiguous.

10) Seems very... mundane. I really got fired up when I heard it was a fantasy "adventure-thriller" but so far I feel that was the most exciting part.

11) Huh?

12) While I agree that this needs attention, this is also probably the easiest bit to fix, there being a lot of examples out there on the interwebs.

Overall, I think this lacks focus and clarity. I feel it's a shotgun approach of little plot points without also giving me a precise idea of anything. If it's character driven, I'd expect a real good look at the main character. If it's problem driven, then a real good look at the political situation (I notice that only the Murgontians have names - everything else is "the land"?). And if it's primarily an immersive fantasy world, then I'd expect a real good look at that. Without that clarity of focus I just feel bewildered by a myriad of ideas and don't get a feel for how they tie together into a story.

PS, sorry if it seems abrupt, I have a headache. I know writing a query isn't quite a walk in the park.

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Panix Gavid is a powerful magician where one with is talent is expected to join academia. He rejects teaching for a job in a far off land.. Circumstances have forced him to join the intelligence service of the land of his birth so he can help fight the unwanted advances of the Murgontian military and intelligence agencies. Panix is plagued with a failed marriage, doubts about the best way to manage his emotions and his magic, and finding his father's murderer. Along the way. he forms a team to innovate the science of investigation and techniques to combat the Murgontian threat.

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Too much in too little space. For this, pare down to the main plot. I wouldn't mention his first marriage, his personal doubts, or his father's murder at all in the query. That can go in the synopsis. Focus on Panix' rejection of the usual career (academia) because of his distaste for politics. But politics catch up with him anyway and he is drawn into the intelligence service only to find that he has an unexpected talent for it.

It may be me, but "unwanted advances" gives me an entirely different mental picture, not involving armies.

The three things you have to answer here are:
Who is the main character?
What choice does he have to make?
What are the consequences?

I know, it's harder than it sounds.

So, give the reason Panix chooses to leave the Academy despite a bright future there. That helps us know who he is. Instead of "circumstances" describe the event that forces him to choose to join the intelligence service. And what does that mean for him? He loses the career he's spent years building (the only thing he has at this point since he's estranged from his family and abandoned by his first wife), comes close to getting killed a couple of times, is forced to work with a woman who hates him only to fall in love with her and then almost lose her, twice.

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set in a land where a moribund magic-based economy is challenged by Murgontia's steam-based technology.

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Use this idea more actively. "Panix must find ways to unite the old magics with new technology in order to defeat the enemy."