posted
Okay, so I know I have several posts in this forum, but that's only because I've been able to write a lot more lately. I haven't been working on "Eye of a Shadow" much, but here are my new 13 lines. I hope these are better than the others I've posted in the past. Let me know, please, if they are getting better, or if they're getting worse.
Thank You.
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Everything was perfect for Devon before Hicks showed up. When he arrived, Kingsbridge University became hell: there were several suicides, murders, and unexplainable happenings that put fear in Devon’s heart. He questioned if Hicks was somehow part of these happenings, because there was something peculiar about that man that told Devon he was up to no good. Maybe it was the red glass eye he had, the eye taking on the appearance of a painting, one that would follow his every movement wherever he went. It got worse when Lee, his original calulus professor, was brutally murdered and replaced by Jonathon Hicks himself. “Oh, my God,” Devon had said with large eyes, sitting beside Kameron Ramos, his best friend, in the classroom, “Lee’s dead,”
My only complaint is at the end we don't know what Devon is reacting to. How does he know Lee is dead? Does he read it in the school paper, hear it whispered by the other students, or does Hicks walk in instead of Lee and he just knows?
Just a quick line before the dialog starts should do it.
Just a few nits: 1. Misspelled calculus. 2. Show us how it put fear in Devon's heart. 3. I like the red glass eye line. 4. Suggest you rework the last sentence for clarity, something like: Devon's best friend, Kameron Ramos, looked startled by the news: "Oh my God," Devon told him, "Lee is dead."
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