posted
This is the first 13 of my novel. I am preparing materials to send out queries. If anyone wants to give it a final crack (full or partial), let me know.
Panix Gavid fidgeted in his seat in anticipation of the first orientation seminar at the Morwen Academy. The female instructor walked into the chill of the centuries-old stone-built lecture hall her robes brushing the worn marble floors. Panix looked around at the other young men and women. Knowing his talent exceeded theirs made him more anxious.
"The utilization of magic is no different from other trades," the instructor began. "A mastercraftsman uses his muscles and his brains. Master magicians use their talent and their brains. You collect your power here," she drew her fist to her breasts. "And then you let it flow through your fingers to the object. Heart to Hands." She brought her hand out and spread her fingers.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited May 19, 2010).]
quote:Panix Gavid fidgeted in his seat in anticipation of the first orientation seminar at the Morwen Academy.
of his first orientation seminar, rather than the first?
quote:The female instructor walked into the chill of the centuries-old stone-built lecture hall her robes brushing the worn marble floors.
I don't think you need the word female, "her robes" does the job.
quote:Panix looked around at the other young men and women. Knowing his talent exceeded theirs made him more anxious.
Why? This might be a chance to dip into his head just a little. Why does being more talented make him anxious? And how does he know? You don't want him to sound concieted about his talent. Let us get to know and identify with Panix right off.
quote:"The utilization of magic is no different from other trades," the instructor began. "A mastercraftsman uses his muscles and his brains. Master magicians use their talent and their brains. You collect your power here," she drew her fist to her breasts. "And then you let it flow through your fingers to the object. Heart to Hands." She brought her hand out and spread her fingers.
posted
This version seems more concise, so good job there.
quote:Panix looked around at the other young men and women.
Don't know that this sentence really does anything for your opening. Is it necessary? Seems a shame to waste one of your precious first thirteen on such a trivial thing as looking around a room.
posted
This is my first critique, so bear with me please.
quote: Panix looked around at the other young men and women. Knowing his talent exceeded theirs made him more anxious.
Personally these two sentences seem to do nothing for your opening and may even detract from the mood. I would suggest describing more about his anxiousness or that he feels outcast even among people like him.
posted
Overall, it's good. I love getting down to the nit-picky stuff, however, so here goes.
Always, always, always pay attention to grammar. Even one little punctuation error could make an editor set your manuscript to the side (remember, he has several in queue behind you). The lack of a comma at "stone-built lecture hall her robes" stuck out like a sore thumb, as did the "...power here," she drew her fist to her breasts. "And then..." area. Try to avoid tags that don't normally attach to speech; they're there to help us know who's speaking, not for description. You might be looking for this:
"...power here." She drew her fist to her breasts. "And then..."
Or perhaps:
"...power here--" She drew her fist to her breasts "--And then..."
I have only one turn off in requesting the read, and it actually has nothing to do with nit-picky stuff; just personal taste. I'm getting a bit tired of the "kid learning about magic" arena in the genre. Sorry, friend!
quote:I have only one turn off in requesting the read, and it actually has nothing to do with nit-picky stuff; just personal taste. I'm getting a bit tired of the "kid learning about magic" arena in the genre. Sorry, friend!
Having read it, Panix isn't exactly a "kid" here. Not in the Harry Potter sense, certainly. And learning magic takes up maybe an eigth of the book. After that, Panix spends more time inventing magic than learning it.
Something to think about. Is there an easy way to show Panix' real age here to avoid the HP gut reaction? He's just transferred from the military school, right? Maybe a thought of how different these students are than what he's used to, less disciplined, noisier? Are there female instructors at the military school?
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited July 01, 2010).]
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