posted
This is a novel I started a while back and finally have decided to take it seriously. I am about 60000 words in and would welcome any thoughts, critiques on it. Here is my first 13 of my Prologue. ------------------------------------------------ Newest Version:
Damal studied the vortex churning down the dusty, debris filled cobbled avenue kicking up its own carnage in its wake. It tossed mangled bodies riddled by the chaos of Dark Mater into the air.
Tree branches groaned and snapped unable to resist the hungry eddies, quickly followed by the rubble of abandoned buildings. The jumbled mass of slate and clay shingles, massive stone slabs, wooden shutters and timber all flew like wisps of cotton to join the choking dust and bodies already in the air.
The bodies landed first, thudding to the ground while the rubble hung suspended held up by an unseen force, before it too crashed down in showers of dust. The mass of reddish brown motes swirled giving the vortex a solid form of long tresses
Original:
A gust of wind churned down the avenue kicking up sand and debris in its wake. It snatched at the corpses, howling with the force of a storm. A rat, probably the only living remnant of Jenoah, scurried over to one of the bodies and the wind suddenly swept around it, ripping it to pieces. The wind paused briefly, searching, then slowly the angry swirls subsided as it retreated to the square. It billowed around the lone figure standing there, whipping the figure’s cloak into a frenzy as it contracted into a thin opaque mass before receding into its head. The long dark blue cloak finally came to rest and the figure turned. It was a man.
[This message has been edited by TerryS (edited June 22, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by TerryS (edited June 28, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by TerryS (edited July 02, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by TerryS (edited July 07, 2010).]
posted
I'm kind of confused by the events of the last three sentences. By the paragraph's end, how many people are in the scene, one or two? I do love the phrase "angry swirls" as it made clear that the wind was alive, which I did not realize until this point.
Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2010
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posted
Jaco As it continues the next paragraph reveals that it is the point of view of the watcher. The second person involved.
************************************ Mike, After reading it aloud to myself and the ensuing paragraph that eventually reveals that it is a man, I agree.
[This message has been edited by TerryS (edited June 20, 2010).]
posted
Well,i think "it was a man" isn't all that redundant. I mean, it could have been a woman, right? /joke
Good beginning, good description, makes me curious about what happened in the town. Since it's only a setting description, it's hard to say more than that, i mean you use words wisely when describing the weather, the "dead" place... i don't know what more to say.
posted
I like the original one better. It has a nice flow to it. My only problem is at the end, it is a little unclear.
quote:It billowed around the lone figure standing there, whipping the figure’s cloak into a frenzy as it contracted into a thin opaque mass before receding into its head. The long dark blue cloak finally came to rest and the figure turned. It was a man.
The bolded pronoun is giving me a lot of trouble. I am not sure what it is. Is it the figure standing in the square or is it the wind?
I can see this going either way. The wind turning into a man or the wind being sucked into the head of the figure standing in the square. I think this needs to be clarified.
Other than that. I like the first one a lot and would read on. The second feels more choppy and is less of a hook for me. Maybe because it is more telling than showing? Hmmm, I am not really sure, why.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited June 23, 2010).]
posted
I'm looking at your new version and it is confusion. What is the wind thing? What is Mater? I get a glimpse at the beginning of a wind moving down a street filled with corpses that disturbs a rat. I have no frame of reference for what the wind is or what a changeling is.
You make the same mistake I often do and that is write out a scene from a movie rather than the start of my work. It gets the POV messed up and, for me, confuses the reader a bit.
I would get more in Damal's head, which you have a great start at, and have him attack a changeling and save the street description for insertion during the action. Right now it doesn't hook and I don't get what Damal is waiting to attack.
posted
Owasm: Ill make some changes but you're confusing me. There is only one PoV there. Damal's, I thought that was obvious, your're seeing what he sees and what he thinks. He is watching the wind which is a changeling in a certain form. There is no street description. It is coming down the avenue as a wind kicking the corspes etc because it has not had enough to feed its appetite.
All the exact things you are mentioning there would be quite hard to do in 13 lines as far as tell u what Mater is and what a changeling is while conveying what Damal is seeing in those same 13 lines.
Changes added
[This message has been edited by TerryS (edited June 28, 2010).]
posted
I agree with MAP. I like the original way, WAY better, until it gets to that confusing last bit. ("his head" would go a long way.) But the original version is like watching a movie (cinematic), not experiencing the world through Damal's eyes. Does Damal sense what the wind is doing? Does he control it? Then maybe you could tweak this version to the wind coming back to him. Damal reached out and called the wind back to himself, that kind of thing? If the changling is a completely separate entity, then why did the wind merge back into Damal's head?
Someone mentioned the watcher's POV; if Damal is the only person there, then I think the POV in the original version is the omniscient narrator (1) watching what is happening. Not very popular these days; sometimes it is the right way to go, but you need to understand the differernt types of POV and their streagths/weaknesses to make that choice.
Version two: I don't want all the technical details thrown at me at once. Work them in more gradually, and use the evocative, direct writing style you used in the original version. (IMHO) I do like being immersed in Damal's head, but I'm pulled back out (distracted) by the language.
(1) omniscient narrator: with God-like ability to see and know all.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited June 30, 2010).]
posted
Here I edited it again. My main issue is that I don't want it to be omniscient. I do struggle with my PoV and its something I am working diligently at.
The original version it was supposed to be what Damal is seeing as it happened but I didn't make that clear.
The main issue people who have read what I have done so far is my struggle of maintaining a 3rd person PoV. Most of the times it seems like it's 3rd person to me but some people tell me, I'm jumping around and I need to stay in one PoV.
My issue is I can't tell when I have switched, specifically. I have probably been working at this issue now for the last 5 or 6 days maybe spending 15 hrs a day on it between reading, rewriting and reading everything on PoV that I can.
posted
Damal studied the seething wind churning down the dusty, debris filled avenue kicking up its own carnage in its wake.[I'm a bit overwhelmed by the adjectives and verbs in the first sentence. I think you can get rid of "seething" and "churning" if you find a more descriptive word than "wind," such as "maelstrom"] It flung mangled bodies riddled by the violent chaos of Dark Mater to the side. ["Violent" is redundant, as we already know it's violent by the fact that it's mangled bodies. The word "Mater" bothers me, as it's close enough to "matter" to read like a typo.]
The rubble of abandoned buildings also went flying as if weightless to join the choking dust already in the air. [Well, what kind of rubble is it? Brick? Wood? Glass? Are there signs, air conditioning units, papers? There's a good opportunity to tell us the development level of your world right here. I also think a better simile than "as if weightless" would be more effective: "The shutters from the saloon ripped off their hinges, gliding through the air like leaves along side the planks and broken bottles..."] The bodies landed first, thudding to the ground while the rubble hung suspended held up by an unseen force, before it too crashed down, showering more dust into the air.[This seems redundant. I actually thought the bodies had already hit the ground, as they were "flung to the side," which doesn't give me the visual of something that stays in the air for any meaningful amount of time]
The mass of reddish brown motes swirled almost giving the wind a solid form before they too slowly descended as the wind howled by.[Not very exciting here. Doesn't really tell me more about the wind/force.]
Damal reached along his Scripts but felt no life among those bodies, just desiccated husks, their Mater siphoned from them. ["reached along his Scripts" has no meaning. It's so alien that it conjures no visual or emotional description, so I can't react to it. Plus, as those bodies have been tossed about like rag dolls, mangled, and thoroughly perforated, and there has been no mention of screams or groans, the possibility that they might be alive never crossed my mind]
posted
Thanks for the feedback all. Especially your last input JSchuler. I posted the newest first 13 and what I think I will be sticking with. (It continues for another few lines after, if u read JSchuler's post u can get the gist of it.)
All your comments not only helped with my beginning but with much of my writing and I have practically rewritten the 15 chapters I had already done.
Again thx for your input and feel free to comment on my latest version.
posted
Hello Terry, lots of action in your beginning. You could consider it personalizing it somehow, like letting us see all of this through an individual's viewpoint. I think we'd care a lot more if we had someone to identify with from the beginning. Specifics: -I'd say too many adjectives, especially close to the beginning -sound like the eddies are followed by rubble -I don't think those relatively heavy things would fly like wisps of cotton. Maybe you need a different simile Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2010
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posted
I still like the original best, especially how it starts out. There’s a poetry and energy about that description that appeals to me. The wind is active, purposeful, deadly. It searches for the last living thing and rips it apart. Wow! The wind is alive, or at least controlled by a twisted mind. I think that if you cleaned up the last three sentences, your next paragraph/chapter could start with Damal peering at this strange man from his hiding place, feeling the incredible threat of what he just observed. Or perhaps Damal steps out to confront him. Or Damal turns tail and flees, totally spooked. Something that actually involves Damal.
The revised opening does not sound nearly so dangerous. I don't know that the wind killed anybody. And all you say about Damal is “Damal studied…”. If that’s all I get of him in these lines, he can wait.
If I may be so bold as to suggest a revision: It billowed around the [man] standing there, whipping [his] cloak into a frenzy as it contracted into a thin opaque mass before receding into [his] head. The long dark blue cloak finally came to rest and [he slowly] turned[,] [as if inspecting his handiwork] OR [apparantly scanning the [empty/lifeless/now-quiet] streets]. - Now step into Damal's head and skin. (Damal did/felt something, waiting for the cloaked man to face him...) With a direct reference to the man, we'll get that Damal was the observer all along.
(I would also rather see “Dark Mater” not mentioned until you are ready to explain what it is.)
P.S. It throws me off a bit in critting that you removed the in-between version.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited July 09, 2010).]
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