posted
Here are the first 13 lines of a children's fantasy novel (ages 10-12?) I'm working on. Am aiming for around 40,000 words but don't have too much at the moment (around 5000). Any feedback is appreciated. Cheers.
For myself, I like the first few lines but not so sure about the last 3-4 sentences. I'm finding so far that I seem to be using too many sentences starting with "they" or "she". Can't think of a title for it so far, I think I'll have to get further into the story to find that out.
She ran to the edge and leapt. Arms outstretched, palms slapped down on the metal and fingers closed tightly around the bar. The Hills Hoist rotary clothesline gave a long squeal as it made its way around the circle, eventually depositing the dangling girl back onto the small wooden children’s barbeque table they had dragged underneath it. “That was ace!” She giggled as she jumped down onto the bench seat attached to the table and then the grass of their front lawn. “Oldest to youngest.” She commanded. Jess was the second oldest of the five Smith kids. Sarah was at boarding school though, so until the holidays, Jess was in charge. The next child jumped, and the clothesline swung around. George the Dalmation dog loped around the circle after her, barking and wagging his tail.
posted
Hello. I like the opening and like the children. The opening is all atmosphere with no hint about what sort of story follows, so that will bother some folks. I don't know if the story develops quickly enough to foretell something in the opening about the genre or story.
The writing is clean, but at times, perhaps a bit dense with details (translate: adjectives, mostly) that might not be important and slow the reading. I'm illustrating, not suggesting how to change it, below:
small wooden children’s barbeque table: small wooden table bench seat attached to the table: table's bench seat grass of their front lawn: front lawn Hills Hoist rotary clothesline: rotary clothesline
Since you're using US tag punctuation (period/comma within quotes), this:
posted
Liking it. I would suggest starting the story with the girl's name. Makes it easier to know who's doing the action/talking at first. Also, the words seem a bit too adult for the age group you're shooting for. Maybe that's just me as I'm getting up in age.
posted
Thanks so much for the replies. Super helpful and encouraging.
Definitely will need to be ruthless with cutting out unnecessary description. It's funny - books that have way too much description or explanations annoy me (I'm not stupid, I can imagine and work some things out for myself! ) but I seem to have fallen into that trap anyway. I pulled the clothesline bit from my own childhood, so perhaps I tried to describe it exactly as it was instead of acknowledging that a) those details aren't relevant to the rest of the story and b) the reader probably doesn't particularly care!
Cheers for the tips on punctuation - Have to admit, that is one of my failings.
PB&Jenny - Thanks for your comment on the writing perhaps sounding a bit old. Will have to reassess and read some more children's books to get a feel of what I should be sounding like.
posted
As Inarticulate Babbler said in another thread: it's not the amount of detail. It's the quality. So, for example, maybe "Hills Hoist" is an important detail, either in the plot, or the setting, or because it pleases you.
(I'm recanting a little; didn't want to imply that the prose needs to be filed down to the nub.)
posted
Some hopefully constructive criticism and one pet peeve.
I think perhaps you have too many details about the unimportant items and not enough detail about the important ones. Unless you're trying for an impressionistic effect, this can be confusing to readers. Specifically, you have details like the brand of clothesline post and the kind of table she landed on -- but we don't learn the MC's name until halfway through the paragraph, and the poor third-oldest has no name at all, just 'the next child'. It's not clear to me from these lines what I should be paying attention to and what I shouldn't.
[ The peeve (I know I shouldn't really comment on spelling) is that the breed is spelled 'Dalmatian' with an 'a'. It's a dog from Dalmatia, the coastal island region of Croatia. Sorry. ]
I'm interested to see how you work the fantasy elements into the story.
[EDIT: I see now that other people had already commented on the details thing. I should really read the other critiques first!]
[This message has been edited by DerekBalsam (edited August 17, 2010).]
posted
You mentioned that you felt too many of your sentences with she and they. One easy switch would be your very first sentence, why not start with "Jess" instead of "she?" IMO withholding her name at the beginning doesn't add anything to the scene, but giving us her name helps. We can immediately identify with the character more easily and it also clears up some potential confusion in the middle. When you first give Jess' name I thought she wasn't the speaker because of the oldest to youngest line. Of course this is cleared up by explaining the situation with Sarah in the following line, but if you named Jess from the outset it would flow more smoothly.
As much as I like the tableau you paint with your opening sentences I agree with previous comments that it may be a bit description heavy. Some elements don't seem essential (such as the fact that the bench is attached to the table) in comparison to letting us get to know Jess and the others better.
All in all, the writing is clear and the opening scene is well conveyed. I wouldn't touch the first three sentences (except the Jess/she switch). While there is not anything truly hooking about these first 13 the writing is crisp enough that I would keep reading for awhile at least. I tend to be more patient with books. But I would want to get a better feel for the characters shortly after such an opening.
posted
"[ The peeve (I know I shouldn't really comment on spelling) is that the breed is spelled 'Dalmatian' with an 'a'. It's a dog from Dalmatia, the coastal island region of Croatia. Sorry. ]"
Duh, sorry! I really should know that - actually I *do* know that but rather gutted I let it slip by. Thanks for letting me know!
Cheers for the other comments as well - am finding them all very helpful
quote:She ran to the edge and leapt. Arms outstretched, palms slapped down on the metal and fingers closed tightly around the bar. The Hills Hoist rotary clothesline gave a long squeal as it made its way around the circle, eventually depositing the dangling girl back onto the small wooden children’s barbeque table they had dragged underneath it. “That was ace!” She giggled as she jumped down onto the bench seat attached to the table and then the grass of their front lawn. “Oldest to youngest.” She commanded. Jess was the second oldest of the five Smith kids. Sarah was at boarding school though, so until the holidays, Jess was in charge. The next child jumped, and the clothesline swung around. George the Dalmation dog loped around the circle after her, barking and wagging his tail.
I concur with most of the preceding (what a good group!). I would name Jess in your very first sentence to immediately identify the protagonist: "Jess ran to the edge and leapt."
The second sentence I believe requires a clearer identification of the subject [Jess] as I was conused that her "palms slapped down on metal and fingers". Perhaps... "Arms outstretched, her palms slapped down on the metal and herfingers closed tightly around the bar." Or: "Arms outstretched, her palms slapped down on the metal, herfingers closing tightly around the bar."
I concur there may be too may adjectives/description that impede the rhythm of the next sentences and would suggest omitting the following in brackets(and referencing "Hills Hoist" in another or separate sentence): "The [Hills Hoist] rotary clothesline gave a long squeal as it [made its way around the] spun in a circle, eventually depositing the dangling girl back onto the [small wooden] children’s barbeque table they had dragged underneath it."
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Cheers.
) but I seem to have fallen into that trap anyway. I pulled the clothesline bit from my own childhood, so perhaps I tried to describe it exactly as it was instead of acknowledging that a) those details aren't relevant to the rest of the story and b) the reader probably doesn't particularly care! 
