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The hardest thing I think I ever did was to cut the first 2000 words that led up to this point in my novel--I was SO attached to those words! However, after poking around this forum and reading other critiques, I had to try it. As it turns out, I think the info in those 2000 words can be dropped in here and there and will be even more effective. Who knew??
Please let me know what you think. PS..this is my first posting of my own work...I'm NERVOUS!!
The suddenness of the images that filled Cassie’s mind was like a jolt from an electric fence she had accidentally touched when she was still a pup. They flashed across her mental screen in a way that only wolves used to communicate—werewolves, that is. She saw an evil, female human come toward her, chanting, gesturing, and suddenly felt the change begin, even though she was already in her wolf form. She felt her fur wash over her, and felt the sudden certainty that she was trapped in this form. As much as she loved the freedom of her wolf self, she was part human too, and the thought of not being able to be human again was shocking and painful. No! She would be human! And her wolf body started to shift, the fur receded, and her face flattened back to the familiar shape that she saw in the...
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There are two things in particular I like about this. I get a distinct story world. I have no doubt about the story to follow. Secondly, the emotional conflict within the character is captivating and, by letting readers in on this, I think you've begun getting them to empathize.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
I like the story so far. It sounds interesting. I would read on. I wouldn't start it off with your current sentence. I agree with PB&Jenny, too wordy. It doesn't have much of a hook or say what the stories about. I would rewrite this part somehow and Use it as the beginning:
She felt her fur wash over her, and felt the sudden certainty that she was trapped in this form. As much as she loved the freedom of her wolf self, she was part human too, and the thought of not being able to be human again was shocking and painful. No! She would be human! And her wolf body started to shift, the fur receded, and her face flattened back to the familiar shape that she saw in the...
I didn't understand what was going on until I read that part. I think you should lead with it.
Cassie loved the freedom of her wolf self, but she was human too. The thought of not being human again shocked and pained her. She saw an evil, female human come toward her, chanting, gesturing, and suddenly felt the change begin, even though she was already in her wolf form. She felt her fur wash over her, and felt the sudden certainty that she was trapped in this form, forever.
You can get the other stuff in after but now we have a clear picture right at the beginning what's going on and what the story is really about.
Don't be nervous, we are all friendly here, and we all help each other improve our writing. I'll post some line by line comments that I hope you will find helpful.
quote:The suddenness of the images that filled Cassie’s mind was like a jolt from an electric fence she had accidentally touched when she was still a pup.
I agree about this line being too long, and wordy for what you are trying to communicate. Try this: "The images that filled Cassie's mind were like a jolt from an electric fence."
or
"The images that filled Cassie's mind jolted her like an electric fence."
I think either line has more pop.
quote:They flashed across her mental screen in a way that only wolves used to communicate—werewolves, that is.
I think the 'that-is' actually detracts from this. There is little value in saying wolves and then werewolves later, in my opinion. How about "They flashed across her mental screen in a way that only werewolves communicated."
quote:She saw an evil, female human come toward her, chanting, gesturing, and suddenly felt the change begin, even though she was already in her wolf form.
Don't tell us she is evil, show us she is evil. Something like "She saw a human female come toward her; she chanted and writhed like a cobra."
quote:She felt her fur wash over her, and felt the sudden certainty that she was trapped in this form.
This is okay, but I'm not really feeling her fear/terror. Maybe bring in a drowning analogy or something. Maybe change the "wash over her" to something else and use a different analogy. "She felt her fur wash over her as if trapped beneath a deep ocean."
quote:As much as she loved the freedom of her wolf self, she was part human too, and the thought of not being able to be human again was shocking and painful. No! She would be human! And her wolf body started to shift, the fur receded, and her face flattened back to the familiar shape that she saw in the...
I like how she is struggling against the incantation the woman is casting on her. Its a powerful moment. I think you will have a nice start after a few drafts.
posted
I agree with PB&Jenny and Osiris's long, yet helpful review.
It's too wordy. I also like werewolves, so I would read on a little further to see where it would go.
Oh, and I do not think you need all those exclamation points. I personally think we get the point you are trying to get across. Don't stress yourself by trying too hard with exclamation points. It would be fine if you didn't have them. Use exclamation points only if really think they are necessary. I think you should keep the exclamation point after "No", but delete the one that follows in the next sentence.
posted
Thank you all for the comments and encouragement. After reading your comments I feel like I am looking at this passage for the first time, thinking--duh, why didn't I realize that? I will definitely be making some changes.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Hey, I like this. I would continue to read. I read the other critiques but I will just give you what I see.
quote:The suddenness of the images that filled Cassie’s mind was like a jolt from an electric fence she had accidentally touched when she was still a pup.
Not only long and needs some rewording but suddenness and jolt are redundant. Stating that the images flashed across her mind like the jolt from an electric fence would suffice. By removing suddenness you are now showing us what's happening.
quote:She saw an evil, female human come toward her, chanting, gesturing, and suddenly felt the change begin, even though she was already in her wolf form. She felt her fur wash over her, and felt the sudden certainty that she was trapped in this form.
Instead of telling us the person is evil, foreshadow it. Something along the lines of: A female form, her face shrouded in darkness came toward her, chanting and gesturing. You may notice I left out she felt. It's because we are already in your protag's PoV, so no need to use saw or felt. At this point just tell us what she is experiencing. e.g Fur washed over her or fur began to wash over her, along with the certainty that she would be trapped in this form.
quote: As much as she loved the freedom of her wolf self, she was part human too, and the thought of not being able to be human again was shocking and painful.
This part sounded traumatic so you could build on that with a very slight change.
As much as she loved the freedom of her wolf self, her humanity cried out to her, and the thought of losing it brought a stab of pain and shock.
quote:No! She would be human! And her wolf body started to shift, the fur receded, and her face flattened back to the familiar shape that she saw in the...
I really liked this. It showed your characters determination and willingness to fight adversity. So already we have seen several emotions and how your character would possibly deal with them in the future.
Any changes I suggested, I tried to stay close to what you already had, maintaining your voice. Keep writing and if you ever develop some chapters I would not mind reading.
I have to tell you guys, I had three people read the entire thing and this is what I got:
Person #1 told me I used the word "and" too much, then proceeded to circle every single "and" in the entire 278 pages. "Other than that, it's great, get it published," she said. Person #2 told me the entire thing was great, with the exception that I could possibly develop my characters a tad more. Person #3 said I needed another character to tie some things together and create more tension, that I needed to give more info about the story-world, there were some plot lines she didn't follow very well, so I needed to do something about those, and yes, a couple characters needed more development so the reader would identify with them better.
In other words, even though these three people are educated and intelligent, it is difficult to find people who can truly critique a written piece. Yet here, you have all given me great advice and I can't wait to bring your comments to life in my work.
I will do my best to reciprocate and look at YOUR works with fresh eyes. Again, thank you.
posted
This is interesting, but I think you need to slow down and build the scene.
So much happens in thirteen lines, but there isn't very many details.
First of all, where is she? There is no sense of setting. You need to add some details of setting. The perfect spot is when she sees the woman coming towards her. For example: 'She saw a woman crossing the field towards her' or 'She saw a woman emerging from the trees.'
Second, instead of saying the woman is evil describe her. Why does the MC think the woman is evil? Is her face distorted in hate, or are her eyes cold and cruel? Also what is the woman wearing? This can be an easy way to establish time and place. Is she wearing a dark robe or a pair of jeans and a t-shirt?
Third, the whole struggle seemed to easy. If you want this evil woman to seem like a threat, we need to see the MC struggle more against her. As it is now, the MC felt herself being trapped in wolf-form; thought no way, and turned into a human. It was too easy, and it undermines the tension of the scene.
IMO you need to slow down. Picture the scene and think about what the MC is seeing, thinking, and feeling. Then write it out for us.
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