posted
Okay. Sometimes I'm a slow learner, but I do learn. Experience has taught me that it's not too soon to start working on the query and synopsis for MAGE STORM, even though it's only in second draft.
So, here goes: Version 3: Thanks MAP.
quote:Fifteen-year-old Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. It died with the all the mages at the end of the Great Mage War. All that’s left are the mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages, wreaking havoc.
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. When he fails to learn how to control his frightening new abilities on his own, Rell runs off to seek help. It turns out magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
The only teacher anyone knows of is Trav, who turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who murders anyone with real talent. After witnessing his latest murder, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Rell is forced to flee, but he can’t forget the friends he left behind. Somehow, he has to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.
MAGE STORM is a 50,000-word young adult fantasy novel. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Version 2: Only minor changes.
quote:Fifteen-year-old Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. It died with the all the mages at the end of the Great Mage War.
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. When he fails to learn how to control his frightening new abilities on his own, Rell runs off to seek help. It turns out magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
His first teacher, Trav, turns out to be a self-aggrandizing cult leader who murders anyone with real talent--and Rell is next on his list. Rell is forced to flee, but he can’t forget the friends he left behind. Somehow, he has to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.
MAGE STORM is a 50,000-word young adult fantasy novel. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time
Version 1:
quote:Fifteen-year-old Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. It died with the all the mages at the end of the Great Mage War.
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. When his attempts to learn to control his frightening new abilities on his own fail, Rell runs off to seek help. It turns out magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
His first teacher, Trav, turns out to be a self-aggrandizing cult leader who murders anyone with real talent--and Rell is next on his list. Rell is forced to flee, but he can’t forget the friends he left behind. Somehow, he has to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.
MAGE STORM is a 50,000-word young adult fantasy novel. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited September 05, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited September 05, 2010).]
posted
It's hard isn't I am writing my first query letter.
I like the sound of the story but
Or so everyone believes until - I would personally just remove this bit, I think the letter loses momentum with it, it also makes sense without it.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily. - something about this is a bit too wordy but not enough information. It's hard not knowing the story. That is can come out and I wonder if it might not work better as part of the previous paragraph.
posted
This is a good query. I know exactly what Rell wants and the stakes are high, but of course I have some thoughts.
[quote]Fifteen-year-old Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. It died with the all the mages at the end of the Great Mage War.
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage (Does this mean the storm was caused by a mage? I am not sure what a mage storm is? Could you just say an unnatural storm? storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. When he fails to learn how to control his frightening new abilities on his own, Rell runs off to seek help. It turns out magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
His first teacher,(Cut his first teacher. It implies that he has other teachers, yet no other teachers are mentioned in the query) Trav, turns out to be a self-aggrandizing cult leader who murders anyone with real talent--and Rell is next on his list. How does Rell discover this? Rell is forced to flee, It sounds more like he was lucky to escape instead of forced to leave. Am I missing something here? but he can’t forget the friends he left behind. Somehow, he has to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.
MAGE STORM is a 50,000-word young adult fantasy novel. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time
Sounds like an interesting story. Good luck with this.
quote:Fifteen-year-old Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. It died with the all the mages at the end of the Great Mage War. All that’s left are the mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages, wreaking havoc. I love the idea of this mage storm. Ashes of dead mages could cause a LOT of havoc. Nice!
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. When he fails to learn how to control his frightening new abilities on his own, Rell runs off to seek help. It turns out magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped. Where is Rell running from? This makes it sound like the place he left should be important. If it's not, maybe you can just say something to the effect that Rell leaves home to search for help.
The only teacher anyone knows of is Trav, who turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who murders anyone with real talent. After witnessing his latest murder, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Rell is forced to flee, but he can’t forget the friends he left behind. Somehow, he has to learn enough to return and free the others. "anyone knows of" and the "so everyone believes" above have a vague feel to them. I don't have a definite suggestion on how to fix that though. Sorry. I like the change you made in this version. It is much clearer what the stakes are.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.
MAGE STORM is a 50,000-word young adult fantasy novel. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
This sounds like a great story, and I'd read more.
[This message has been edited by CharityBradford (edited September 05, 2010).]
posted
Meredith. Starting queries and synopsis early is always a good idea, since they're so frustrating to write. I have a few suggestions, but take them with a grain of salt. While I've written queries for four novels now, I haven't sold any of them yet.
* Opening Blurb - In the examples of "successful queries" that I've seen, the opening of the query is usually a hook with a conflict in it. Your first line could be a hook, but it doesn't set up the conflict immediately.
* Tightening - Yes, such a clichéd critique to say more tightening! The little filler words in your query stick out to me - "with the all the" (maybe an extra "the" as well), "All that's left are the", "anyone knows of is", etc.
* Specificity vs Generality - Give us some examples of his world that fleshes out the vision in our heads. Not much, just a few examples to give a taste.
IMHO, I would bring the conflict with Trav to the forefront. The mage storms, while cool, are background information.
Let me give your query a try (it'll be bad, but maybe give you some ideas!) Since I haven't read the novel, I made up some stuff in it (obviously), but I wanted to show examples of specificity:
******
When fifteen-year-old Rell's magical teacher turns out to be a bloodthirsty cult leader intent on culling magic from the world, Rell must learn to harness his seemingly uncontrollable powers.
Fleeing his home when he accidentally melts a giant hole in the street, Rell seeks to control his frightening new abilities. When Trav, the secret cult leader, finds him, he thinks his hopes have been answered. Until Trav murders one of the other students.
Trav holds all the cards--a murderous army of clockwork soldiers, networks of spies in the city, and most importantly--his friends, trapped in the cult leaders fortress of a school. Rell must quickly master his new powers before the cult leader kills again--
*******
Like I said, the example still has problems, but maybe it can give you ideas on shaking up the query. I've read one of your stories so I know you're a good writer. You want the best query you can have to showcase that talent!
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