posted
I could use some reads. Also, I'm not sure if the beginning flows well. Also, for anyone who wants to take a read, the end of this chapter is sort of fanciful and dream like, but I think it's also almost too metaphysical...and I need some ideas about how to bring it down a notch if that makes any sense. Here's the first 13:
Cailun would kill the smith who'd crafted this death trap, if he got the chance. He tried to remind himself that incompetence was a good thing. Apparently, these peacocks preferred appearance to utility and that would give him an advantage.
The Indonian armor he wore to disguise himself was too cumbersome to be useful. The weight of it slowed him down so much that the joints between the thick plates could be easily exploited in a fight. Their amber hues might instill patriotic fervor in some sentimental breasts, but even that was unlikely. Not many people had faith anymore – with good reason. Trust was gone. The traditional duty-bound kingship had been replaced decades ago by a shameless despot and now a fraud.
Cailun having sat in this musty suit for hours, was bored, and
posted
You’re a good writer, with a great vocabulary and a lot of imagination. But nothing is happening here. The main character is sitting, stuck in some armor and thinking. Why is incompetence a good thing? I don’t understand. If Cailum is bored, the reader will be, too. Why is he disguised? That might make a more interesting beginning. If he’s in danger and needs a disguise, that would get things going. If he was actually trying to kill the smith who crafted the armor, that would be interesting, but as soon as the reader realizes that the killing part is just sarcasm, the idea loses its grip.
The beginning is so tough. You want to provide the reader with some setting and motivation and insight into the protagonist, but stuff has to start happening right away, too. I’ve been struggling with this a lot myself. I’ve rewritten the beginning of my novel a zillion times and counting. I hope this was helpful without being too critical.
posted
The first sentence is great, and the second sentence is good. I know you explain in short order just why incompetence is a good thing, but it's confusing until you do and still sounds like too much of a generalization, when it's only a good thing in your character's specific case.
Something should happen after the first paragraph, to break up the exposition. The armor is slowing him down- so what is he doing that it's slowing down? Also, I understand that the armor's colors segue into the discussion of the loss of faith, but that bit of exposition really doesn't belong here. Why don't you show your setting's loss of faith rather than telling us about it?
"Cailun having sat in this musty suit for hours"- You need a comma after 'Cailun' here, and passive voice doesn't really work here anyway. Maybe "Cailun was bored; he'd been sitting in this musty suit for hours"?
Lots of potential here, certainly. [This message has been edited by dysfunction (edited November 06, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by dysfunction (edited November 06, 2010).]
posted
I agree with the above people. Your writing is good and your first sentence is a great hook, but after that it all seems unrelated and confusing. I think your hiding too much from us. Tell us more so we stay interested. Is cailun stuck in the trap? Did he commision the trap and it failed? Is that why he wants to kill the smith? We don't know and that's what we want to know about, the trap and the smith and everything else that links up to that.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
As Inigo Montoya said to Vincini (or however his name is spelled), "I don't think that word means what you think it means." I refer to "passive" in this case.
This is a link to a topic that lists a whole bunch of discussions of "passive voice" which might help clarify the meaning of the word.
That said, if I may, I'd like to try to see if what I got from your first 13 is what you intended me to get.
Cailun is disguised in a set of decorative armor that is so poorly made that he considers it a death trap and thinks whoever made it should be killed. Because it's so poorly made, he figures he has an easy advantage over everyone else because they appear to be more interested in show than functionality.
Then you go on to describe why the armor is useless and how he thinks he can take advantage of that uselessness in a fight with anyone wearing such armor. Then you spend time having him think about how this is indicative of the decadence of the society he has apparently disquised himself to enter.
Is that right?
So, why should the reader care? A story should start when the MC begins moving toward a goal (or at least when the MC decides to move toward a goal). What is Cailun's goal? Why would he bother putting on a showy, useless suit of armor and what has required him to sit in it for hours?
These are not questions your reader should be asking. These are questions you should answer for the reader so the reader will want to read on and see how your MC achieves his goals and in spite of what obstacles.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by Corky (edited November 06, 2010).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
