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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Masquerade (edited)

   
Author Topic: Masquerade (edited)
Jennywinnie
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So thanks to the comments on my last post I got the message that I needed a more active beginning. Let me know if this is better, and also I need some readers - just for the prologue and first chapter. I'd be happy to return the favor. Thanks!

****

Cailun glowered down at the finery from the shadows, anxious. Where was that pretender? Having trailed the self-proclaimed 'Prince' for weeks, Cailun hadn't gotten close enough yet to report on the boy's real intentions.

He peered intently over the stone terrace railing which rose above the great hall. The chamber floor below moved in lively color as the local gentry fluttered about, their gossiping tongues alive with speculation.

Surely, he wouldn’t cancel another appearance. No, he couldn’t and maintain the support of the Lords. He would have to speak. Unfortunately for the 'Prince', the Lords weren’t his only problem tonight.

Cailun smirked as he thought on how easily it had been to

[This message has been edited by Jennywinnie (edited November 07, 2010).]


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dysfunction
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This is great! Still a few minor problems, but much better on the whole.

"Surely, he wouldn’t cancel another appearance. No, he couldn’t and maintain the support of the Lords."- Try changing that to "Surely he wouldn’t cancel another appearance- not if he wanted to maintain the support of the Lords."


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Twiggy
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I'd be happy to swap first chapters. Please bear in mind that if you ever read further than the first chapter in mine there is some violence and adult content.
I probably only have time for a general crit. If you still want to swap, that's great.

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Jennywinnie
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OK, I'll email it out to you. And then you can send me yours. Any critique you have time to make would be fine, whether that be general or more in depth. I just need some eyes on this.
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