Summary:

"A dashing but insecure young political refugee befriends a strange and friendless boy, not realizing that boy is a modern Frankenstein's monster."

The Wonderful Instrument is a satirical fantasy set in an in an alternate 1930s Boston where our Victorian romances are historical fact. Yet these 1930s closely resemble ours, which are almost too outlandish to caricature. Common sense is no guide to these times; common sense is on hiatus. It is the golden age of humbug. The Wonderful Instrument satirizes the vicious, woolly-headed thinking of the era through a cast of larger than life characters whose problems, while outlandish, are rooted in the familiar dilemmas of friendship and love.

The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. Dr. Chin's methods are educational rather than biomedical, but his results are no less astounding. His monster Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His Confucian "superior man" was created not to be superior, but to elevate those around him. On those terms the experiment is a failure. The 1930s are the heyday of eugenics, and by the values of the era Hector might be justified in regarding the people around him as little more than semi-intelligent animals. His life of harsh discipline affords him no connection to others. Despite his best efforts, Dr. Chin may have created, not just a monster, but one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. Dr. Chin needs a tool to reveal Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian.

At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished and callous young Lothario. He is shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. When his scandalous behavior gets him thrown out of his military school, he is sent to ultra-liberal Plumfield. The young scoundrel strikes up an unlikely friendship with the inhumanly virtuous Hector. Feeling secure, Maximilian returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but radiantly beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy to sustain his interest, he turns his attentions to pretty but pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector. Hector struggles with Maximilian's romantic misadventures, but is unexpectedly drawn into them. When Maximilian's old enemies arrive from Europe, Hector must guide Maximilian to victory, although that means defeat for himself. He is tormented by a recurring dream of the Wonderful Instrument, but does not understand: everyone has his own personal Wonderful Instrument. It's that part of us we owe the world, but are afraid to reveal. Hector's Wonderful Instrument is his love for Nellie. To set things right he must use that instrument, but first he must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before honor, friendship, or even love.

Thirteen Line Excerpt:

Amerigo sat waiting in the dark, guarding the child. He'd put it to bed in traveling clothes.

He sat away from the windows. He didn't draw the shades. When you drew the shades you had to twitch them aside if you wanted to see. Then they knew you were watching them, watching you.

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Amerigo sat waiting in the dark, guarding the child. He'd put it to bed in traveling clothes.

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Sitting and waiting don't make for a very active or engaging start. I did the same in one of my stories once and sort of got the same reply from several readers. Guarding, on the other hand, is more intriguing, as it implies conflict. I suggest "Amerigo guarded the child in the dark."

Secondly, I'm guessing you are going for this effect, but I felt Amerigo was pretty cold to refer to the child as 'it'. It made me not like him too much. That may be okay, if thats what you are going for, but you may need to balance it with something likeable so the reader has a reason to sympathize with him.

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He sat away from the windows. He didn't draw the shades. When you drew the shades you had to twitch them aside if you wanted to see. Then they knew you were watching them, watching you.

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He faced the door of the apartment, in a straight-backed wooden chair. He hand rested on a pistol which lay in his lap. The pistol was reassuring. It was beneath Amerigo's dignity to nursemaid a child, and he wouldn't have done it for any other child but this one. This was the son of his precious Donka, and she the daughter of his comrade Karol Wroclav.

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This has the same problem as above. You seem to be focusing on his stillness, with his hand resting on the pistol and him sitting in the chair. This doesn't build the tension one would feel if they think at any moment someone could bust the door down and attack.
Also, he seems to love Donka, and so perhaps he wouldn't refer to her son as 'it'.

Looking at the first 13 lines is an interesting exercise. I think it's great to establish some kind of tension right up front that will give a reason to read on, but I don't think one should pack too much action into it. That's the kind of advice that is generally good, but possible to overdo. I've critiqued a number of first chapters that were jam packed with action, and I don't think they work because we don't really have a reason to be engaged in that action. It's too much information to process before we know what's going on, in my opinion.

I didn't really feel impending menace, either from Amerigo or from the people he is protecting the child from. I really am not saying you should have an 'action' start, I'm saying that Amerigo feels passive to me in this scene, because of the way things are worded (sitting, resting, etc...)

Now the 13 line analysis is a very interesting one, and I went back and looked at a number of very good published books and very bad unpublished manuscripts I've been asked to critique, and I'd say you can learn a surprising amount about the bad ones just from those 13 lines. You see awkward dialog, bad grammar, adverb abuse, and too much dry world-building ancient history stuffed right into the very first sentence. The one common denominator of bad opening is perhaps oversell, the writer straining to convince you that this story is absolutely amazing.

I think it's harder to make generalizations about the first thirteen lines of good books, other than they don't display serious defects of craft or grammar. Sometimes they start with a hook, but not always, and I think it's safe to say the hook is never enough to make you commit to reading another hundred thousand words, only perhaps a few more pages. The one common denominator is that good stories are told from the outset in clean, confident, un-gimmicky prose.

Why?

"When you drew the shades you had to twitch them aside if you wanted to see. Then they knew you were watching them, watching you."
This screams at me to be used as an opening image.

"Amerigo sat waiting in the dark" and "He sat away from the windows" are slightly redundant, and while they give out spatial info about the characters and setting, they are not that strong from a written perspective to be presented in separate sentences. You could them in one shoot.

"The pistol was reassuring. It was beneath Amerigo's dignity to nursemaid a child"
The pistol was reassuring feels slightly off. Can't really explain why. "It was beneath" breaks the flow of the atmo, atleast this is how it feels to me.

Is it interesting? Yes.
Does it have a strong hook? Not really, can't say that it really grabbed me, but as a reader, I'd take a look at some more pages.

Another reason is to help those giving the feedback decide whether or not they want to volunteer to give feedback on the whole story, or in the case of book-length manuscripts, the whole chapter.

If, in the feedback, a Hatrack participant explains why he or she might not be interested in volunteering to read more, that can still be useful feedback, even if the author of the 13 lines doesn't feel the need to incorporate any of that particular feedback.

That said, you are right, MattLeo, it is rather poor form to contradict someone regarding their opinion (which is after all, as Osiris has pointed out, what feedback is).

No author of any 13 lines has to explain why he or she will not be using feedback received here on the forum. If an author uses it, the author uses it; if the author doesn't use it, the author doesn't use it.

All the author needs to do is say, "Thank you."

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We're all supposed to be here to learn, and the only ones who really cause problems are the ones who refuse to do that.

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We're all supposed to be here to learn, and the only ones who really cause problems are the ones who refuse to do that.

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I'm putting THAT on my wall.

ãÌÆøÆêÀ àÁåÄéì, éÈùÑÈø áÌÀòÅéðÈéå; åÀùÑÉîÅòÇ ìÀòÅöÈä çÈëÈí.
*
The way of a fool is straight in his own eyes; but he that is wise hearkeneth unto counsel.
--Mishlei (Proverbs) 12:15

Respectfully,
History

P.S. MattLeo, if you've "run it past several professional writers and writing coaches (you) know, and have got extremely positive feedback," what are you searching for here, where most are merely aspiring professional writers? If it is that good, should not your novel be before agents and editors instead?

* Unfortunately, the forum does not seemed to accept the Hebrew alphabet. If interested, see: http://www.mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/pt2812.htm

The Fragments and Feedback subforums are for posting 13 lines (i.e.fragments) from a short story or book and receiving analysis, critique, and suggestions (i.e. feedback). Your response, as you were not interested in this feedback, has unfortunately been misconstrued as unappreciative. To have others dedicate their time to read and comment on one's writing (13 lines) is of value--be it as published authors, aspiring authors, editors, or readers. As you share, we cannot always impose on our circle of friends and family nor can they provide as great a sample of perspective readers as offered in this Forum. Courtesy and humility I believe are prerequisites for us here (but perhaps I am arrogant to suggest this--if so, forgive me). I am extremely grateful to those who have (for free) cared to comment on the fragments of my first novel and the three short stories I have posted here.

Feedback (1) informs the author if he/she has enticed the reader (and thus, hopefully, the agent or editor) to read further; and (2) offers potential suggetions for improvement. One can accept or set aside the latter as one deems best. These are offered by your fellow Forum Members with good will and with no expectations of anything in return--except, perhaps, the courtesy of reading and providing feedback to the fragments they share.

Ms Woodbury,
As Forum Administrator and Advisor, published author, and First Reader and Coordinatng Judge for the Writers of the Future Contest (I have much appreciated your insights: http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/005988.html ), you ARE Solomon here --or the wise Rebbinitza Bruriah, wife of the Sage Rabbi Meir (look her up some time).

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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Ms Woodbury,
As Forum Administrator and Advisor, published author, and First Reader and Coordinatng Judge for the Writers of the Future Contest (I have much appreciated your insights: http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/005988.html ),

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"Need volunteers to look at your book? This is the place to ask for them. Start a topic and give it the title of your book. Give the genre (SF, fantasy, mystery, nonfiction, whatever), tell us how many words you have written so far, and whether you just want feedback on your first 13 lines and/or a summary of your book, or whether you want volunteers to read a partial (the first 20 pages and an outline of the rest). "

Just for fun, my feedback on your first 13 lines:

(He) [who is "he"? "Amerigo"] sat away from the windows. He didn't draw the shades. When you drew the shades you had to twitch them aside if you wanted to see [see what?]. Then they knew you were watching them, watching you.[I like this sentence]

He faced the door of the apartment [I find this an abrupt change of perspective from the first paragraph where I perceived "he" was facing the window, since the window was the focus of the entire paragraph], in a straight-backed wooden chair. (He) ["His"]hand rested on a pistol which lay in his lap. The pistol was reassuring.[passive tense and awkward. E.g Who is the pistol reassuring?] It was beneath Amerigo's dignity to nursemaid a child, and he wouldn't have done (it)["so"?] for any other child but this one. This was the son of his precious Donka, and she the daughter of his comrade Karol Wroclav.

What is presented:
1) Four characters. Amerigo is presumed to be the protagonist. He is prideful, but has loyalty, and possibly affection, for his comrade Karol Wroclav and "precious" Donka--not so much for the boy, however, who is unnamed.
2) Setting: Uncertain. Amerigo is an Italian name, and the others are Polish. There is a Spartan bleakness to your description of the room (and matching writing style) that works well.
3) Conflicts: Amerigo is caring (hiding?) and protecting? his comrade's grandchild. He may have feelings for the child's "precious" mother. Is she married? Widowed? He/They are being sought or are being "watched" by unnamed antagonists for as yet unrevealed reasons. Amerigo has knowledge or skill in such matters.

I would read further in expectation that the nature of the conflict will be soon revealed. If not, I would stop.

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Oops History You may have KDW confused with kdw (Kathy D. Wentworth - Kathleen Dalton Woodbury) or mixing the two into a SUPERKDW

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I see I must. >blush<
Thank you for the correction. My appreciation to both, at least, remains sincere.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

What sort of critique do you desire:
1) Proofreading only
2) Personal feedback on story flow and if you maintained the reader's interest; identifying any points of confusion.
3) Editorial critique (word/sentence/paragraph structure).
Etc.

I suggest you also look at some of the posts (and writings) by Forum Members who have responded to you to date, and determine who you believe may be most helpful to you and ask them directly.

As I have been part of this dialog and intruded upon your good will with mild rebuke, I offer to read the first 60 pages (to the closest chapter break) and provide feedback in the manner you direct. I'm afraid my occupation precludes me from initially offering to read the entire manuscript, but I may make this request subsequently. I apologize if in anyway I have given offense.

Usually, I read a story first for The Story (and hopefully also pleasure). Then, if I liked it a lot or felt I had things to learn from it or if I was a critiquer) I would read it again looking at its elements (and also to go into the story again -how I love that!).

Thirteen lines does not get you into the story. Not often anyway. You could push it. But some stories start off slowly. That's okay too.

But thirteen lines gets you looking at the words, the first impact. It's interesting.

I'm new here. I'm learning as fast as I can understand and through all the comments.

As a commenter, I'm learning here too.

What I'm looking for is story flow mainly.

lostdog -- the "you" business is a dialect choice. We are in Amerigo's head, and if one had to put it standard composition book English one would say, "one has to", rather than "you have to".

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the "you" business is a dialect choice. We are in Amerigo's head, and if one had to put it standard composition book English one would say, "one has to", rather than "you have to".

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I understand. None-the-less, the use of "you" or even "one" pulls me, as a reader, out of Amerigo's head, whereas changing it to "he" would keep me located. The "you" seems to put me into an outside POV and/or a second person and can come off as preachy or a telling of the rules.

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When you drew the shades you had to twitch them aside if you wanted to see. Then they knew you were watching them, watching you.

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If he drew the shades, he'd have to twitch them aside to see, but then they'd know. They would be watching for that, waiting. It was their game and he would lose.

Something like that for me keeps me glued inside the character's head and also makes it much more tense.

K. D. Wentworth and I consider ourselves to be each other's twin, and we tell people the way to tell us apart is that she has blue eyes and I have brown.

We have also decided that she is to be referred to as KDW, while I am kdw (lower case).

Around here (the Hatrack River Writers Workshop forum) I am also referred to as She Who Must Be Obeyed, while my "twin" has been referred to by some Hatrackers as She Who Must Be Impressed.

Please try some of these out, MattLeo, before deciding that this forum is not for you?

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Oh, by the way, my favorite wise woman from the Old Testament is Huldah.

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When tracking my genealogy to determine if the rumors of being a descendant of General Sam Houston my line stops at the mother of my great great grand father Sam Houston Davis. Her name is Huldah but I cannot finder her husband or parents.

I think the opening works okay to set the scene, tho I agree with another post that I'd rearrange it very slightly, something like this:

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When you drew the shades you had to twitch them aside if you wanted to see. Then they knew you were watching them, watching you. So Amerigo sat waiting in the dark, well away from the windows with their watchful open shades, guarding the child he'd put to bed in its traveling clothes.

He faced the door of the apartment, kept uncomfortably awake by the straight-backed wooden chair and reassured by the pistol that lay on his lap, hard and cold under his nervous fingers. It was beneath Amerigo's dignity to nursemaid a child, and he wouldn't have done it for any child but the son of his precious Donka, and she the daughter of his comrade Karol Wroclav.

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I like the general tone and flow -- I think it fits the Slavic names in the manner of a good translation from Russian. The last line is a good example of idiomatic flow (a term I've just now invented) with its slightly nonstandard but very "right feeling" syntax. There are some other small but significant indicators of the situation, like referring to the child as "it" rather than by gender.

LOVE the title.

Addendum: I see I missed the post about Amerigo being the one doing the making-nervous, not the being-nervous. Given that info I'd shift tone in my small edit-sample slightly to account for it, but will leave what I wrote 3 days ago as it is for historical purposes. <g>