posted
So this is the first 13 of one of the chapters in my sci-fi fantasy novel (not sure on chapter number yet). I've had some people tell me that it's interesting, and then others that it was hard to understand. I'd like to keep it, but maybe get some ideas from you guys on how to rework it. I could also use some reads on the whole chapter. It's about 4500 words.
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Alexis lay nearly unconscious, unable to scream anymore. She knew help was coming; or was it here already? She couldn't remember.
Suddenly, a soft crystalline hum prickled against her skin. It pushed out the burn and a soothing cold descended. In relief her muscles relaxed, and fatigue now, more than pain, drove her deep into herself.
The dermis vibrated as the hum shook it, permeating every cell. She fell deeper, occupying this new dark ocean. The life here worked in harmony to a steady rhythm – an ever beating clock. Then as the crystalline music strengthened, it's pace quickened.
It urged, 'Grow, multiply...hurry...'
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 06, 2010).]
posted
Interesting situation, but I would like to have some sense of setting to help ground me. Also, some of the images are a little vague, and I am not sure what exactly is going on.
quote:Alexis lay nearly unconscious, unable to scream anymore. She knew help was coming; or was it here already? She couldn't remember. (This is a good start IMO. Just give me some idea of where she is. Huddled in a corner in a cell or lying restrained on a cold metalic table. Give me some sense of where she is)
Suddenly, a soft crystalline hum (This is vague and I am not sure what a crystalline hum is. Your mixing the senses which is kind of poetic but doesn't help me understand what is going on. Is the crystalline hum something solid or is it a sound wave?) prickled against her skin. It pushed out the burn and a soothing cold descended. In relief her muscles relaxed, and fatigue now, more than pain, drove her deep into herself. ('drove her deep into herself' also confuses me. Is this psychological or is it physical. The next paragraph makes me think she is becoming aware on a cellular level, if that makes sense. I'm not sure. I think this needs to be cleared up)
The dermis vibrated as the hum shook it, permeating every cell. She fell deeper, occupying this new dark ocean. The life here worked in harmony to a steady rhythm – an ever beating clock. Then as the crystalline music strengthened, it's pace quickened. I am not sure if I am understanding this, but it sounds like she is having conscious control over her body on a cellular level. Am I way off? Either way, this needs to be more clear.
It urged, 'Grow, multiply...hurry...'
Good luck with this. It seems like an interesting story.
posted
Yes I want her to sort of go to the cellular level with her awareness. Thanks for the break down, it was helpful.
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posted
OK, So I got some ideas from the first comment and I decided to start things just a tiny bit further back in time - that way the reader has a better grounding for what's going on. I feel like this is intense, but I need to know if it's understandable. If not, what places are confusing. She's unconscious, and unaware...so in someways I want HER to be confused, but not the reader...doesn't that make sense?
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The cold air intensified the burn, and it spread from the wound into her blood. It flowed freely now, a thin acid streaming through her veins. Alexis winced, gripping P'horan's mane furiously. It filled her mind, her vision blurred. All was darkness.
She felt a breeze on her face as if someone was moving her. Tucking herself against the stallion's back was the last thing she remembered. Now she lay flat, her wet skin sticking against something cool - solid.
'Where are my clothes?'
The acid had only dimmed. It returned now with force and she writhed. Arching her back with a moaning, she tried to get away. One of her wild hands whipped into something solid - a wall.
posted
I liked the first fragment, but the second is even better. A few minor issues, though:
Maybe this is just my personal preference, but I'd reverse "Tucking herself against the stallion's back was the last thing she remembered" to "The last thing she remembered was tucking herself against the stallion's back."
"The acid had only dimmed."- you're mixing your metaphors here. The acid is only a metaphor for the pain the wind is causing; the pain dimmed, not the acid. I don't see how acid could 'dim' anyway.
"Arching her back with a moaning"- make this "Arching her back with a moan".
posted
Hi Jenny, Liking the story idea. Here are a few things I want to bring your attention to for consideration.
quote: The cold air intensified the burn, and it spread from the wound into her blood. It flowed freely now, a thin acid streaming through her veins. Alexis winced, gripping P'horan's mane furiously. It filled her mind, her vision blurred. All was darkness.
She felt a breeze on her face as if someone was moving her. Tucking herself against the stallion's back was the last thing she remembered. Now she lay flat, her wet skin sticking against something cool - solid.
'Where are my clothes?'
The acid had only dimmed. It returned now with force and she writhed. Arching her back with a moaning, she tried to get away. One of her wild hands whipped into something solid - a wall.
Can you see it this way? Cold air intensified the burn of her wound and it spread into her blood. A thin acid flowed freely through her veins now. Alexis winced, gripping P'horan's mane furiously against the pain. It filled her mind and blurred her vision. All was darkness.
The last thing she remembered was tucking herself against the stallion's back. She felt a breeze on her face as someone moved her. Now she lay flat on her back, her wet skin sticking against something cool - solid.
'Where are my clothes?' The thought came dimly to her mind.
The acid had only dimmed temporarily. It returned now with furious force. Arching her back she writhed with a moan and tried to get away. One of her hands wildly whipped into something solid - a wall.
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