posted
I've been writing as much as possible 70K after being encouraged by the helpful writers on this site. It kept nagging at me though that I didn't really have an openening or the first 13 but I think I'm closer.Any tid-bits of wisdom are welcome though. ----------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't remember the last time a foot of snow blanketed northern Maine as early as mid October, but here it was. "So why in hell am I out here?" Almost ten o'clock and I'm gibber-jabbering into empty darkness while sitting on a stump next to a cold fire-pit at the edge of a potato field. Anyone standing on the sidelines watching and listening would place their next call to the white coats. What the hell did he mean, I'm the Chosen One? Chosen for what, and by who? I focused once more on the cloudless sky searching for the smallest anomaly, but saw zip. "What did you mean? Why me, Garic Steiger? I'm just an eighteen-year-old nobody. Why not somebody important? The President? A scientist?, it just doesn't make sense."
[This message has been edited by Craig (edited May 20, 2011).]
posted
I like it. Good flavor. One thing though. The chosen one? Eh...not to say that's cliche, but every hero is the chosen one. Even if its not said, the author is choosing the hero. They are chosen. A simple fix is to not say it. Make chosen a descriptor rather than a title "Hi, I'm Max Abuse, certified chosen one."
In stead make it "Why do I have to do I have to [mission]?" Empire Strikes Back does this great.
Obiwan: Luke! Luke: Ben? Obiwan: You must go to the Dagoba system [mission]. Luke: Dagoba system? [sensible follow-up question] Obiwan: There you will learn from Master Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me. [clarification]
He doesn't have to explain everything that is about to transpire, but if he's going to travel back from death to give message (like any prophetic utterance), he has to give something of substance and it should center around the mission he's not chosen so he can have something for his resume. Luke is never told he's the chosen one that I can remember, but he is. It's subtle, it's classy. Frodo didn't get a certified mail telling him he was chosen, he simply found the ring because he was meant to find it and everyone else was too afraid of their well placed knowledge and hidden ambition. The MC should not be so aware of his place in the story. When they name it, it takes you out of the story and in this day age makes you think "oh, so he's going to fight his chosenness which will really be just because he's an outcast not because he actually has any quality (Legend of the Seeker comes to mind). We won't really know what's going on, probably a lot of characters with cryptic messages, and then an unexplained boost in power simply because he's chosen."
That's my only objection. Though I did think it was funny that he thought a president could be the chosen one. A politician is the last person I'd choose for anything important.
posted
Thank you for taking the time enigmaticuser. What you pointed out about chosen one has been nagging at me from the get go. It's out. The politician is gone also, I know what you mean, especially if any secrets are needed to be kept. I wonder if this is better? ---------------------------------------------------------- I couldn't remember the last time a foot of snow blanketed northern Maine as early as mid October, but here it was. "So why in hell am I out here?" Almost ten o'clock and I'm gibber-jabbering into empty darkness while sitting on a stump next to a cold fire-pit at the edge of a potato field. Anyone standing on the sidelines watching and listening would place their next call to the white coats. What the hell did he mean, I'm a piece of the puzzle. What puzzle? I focused once more on the cloudless sky searching for the smallest anomaly, but saw zip. "What did you mean? Why me, Garic Steiger? I'm just an eighteen-year-old nobody. Why not someone knowledgeable and important? A scientist?, it just doesn't make sense."
[This message has been edited by Craig (edited May 21, 2011).]
posted
It's still kind of vague, but it this is only the first 13 lines. I don't know the whole conversation which no doubt will be revealed. If the whole conversation was you're a piece of the puzzle then that would be irritating. I personnaly have a big problem with life-altering, earth shattering prophecies that are needlessly distilled down to a uselessly cryptic prophecy. I mean if no meaning is conveyed by speaking the message, what is the point of giving the message?
On the other hand, if that was just a piece of the conversation and its something that should make sense as part of a coherent message (though he might not recognize all of the pieces) that's different. It makes sense he focuses on the one part that doesn't make sense.
As for the politician, I thought it was funny. I wasn't objecting. Scientist by itself makes it sound the dilemna is a scientific one, whereas having politician in there makes it sound like its just big and he feels unprepared or too small for the shoes. It's good for conveying the breadth of the dilemna. Some people do think that way. I just personnally find it funny.
posted
I like the style, the easy way of the writing, the way you have quickly gotten into POV and the character has a voice. The character could even have more "voice" and that might be more engaging. have trouble with the words "gibber-jabberin", that sounds like something I would say...and I am much older than 18 Also, does an 18-year-old call them "White-coats"? Hmmm. I also would chuck the words 'chosen one'. that is too cliche and do what the previous post suggested-imply the idea with the scenario. I would also get a bit more specific about what he was looking for in the cloudless sky-flying cigars, round thing-ies, real clouds or flying pigs? or maybe you want to convey something more sinister? I like the word "zip"-that seems right on to me. I would also chuck "president" and pick something cooler-secret service-that guy from "24"-my old brain simply can't recall that name at the moment, Navy seals, something topical maybe. or that might date your story. anyway, here is my totally amateur suggestion. Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2011
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Also, does an 18-year-old call them "White-coats"? Hmmm. I also would chuck the words 'chosen one'. that is too cliche and do what the previous post suggested-imply the idea with the scenario. I would also get a bit more specific about what he was looking for in the cloudless sky-flying cigars, round thing-ies, real clouds or flying pigs? or maybe you want to convey something more sinister? I like the word "zip"-that seems right on to me. I would also chuck "president" and pick something cooler-secret service-that guy from "24"-my old brain simply can't recall that name at the moment, Navy seals, something topical maybe. or that might date your story. anyway, here is my totally amateur suggestion. 
