posted
"Sun?" is a work of Speculative fiction. I have only written the prologue/first chapter (1500 words), but have an outline for the entire book. I would love to see what people think, and to get advice. I would also love for people to read the entire prologue. It isn't long but fills out the story a lot. Never written anything before!
“Daddy, what is the sun?” This question, coming from the dry and cracked lips of five year old Lily Nelson, was not one seeking a scientific answer. She had merely heard “the sun” mentioned in the conversations of the hospital staff that tended to her. “Well sweetie, the sun… I guess you could call the sun the giver of light and life.” Ethan’s voice quivered as he answered. He did not want to disappoint the last light in his life. “Where did it go?” Lily asked. By now, tears were dripping from Ethan’s trembling chin. He knew no answer would satisfy his precious daughter. “I don’t know where the sun has gone, but Lily… I know that one day it will return. We must never lose hope.”
Consider slipping this into Ethan’s POV, and do more ‘showing’ rather than ‘telling.’ Make the reader work to understand what is happening. Evoke images of Ethan hovering over his daughter:
“Daddy, what is the sun?” Lily Nelson licked her dry and cracked lips. The five-year old child was not seeking a scientific answer. She had merely heard “the sun” mentioned by the hospital staff. “Well, sweetie, the sun… the sun is the giver of light and life.” Ethan couldn’t stop his voice from quivering. “Where did it go?” Lily asked. Ethan felt a tear trickle down his chin. No answer would satisfy his precious daughter. “I don’t know where the sun has gone, but Lily… I know one day it will return. We must never lose hope.”
As shown under my name in the posting, I'm a new member and an even newer aspiring writer, so don't expect much by way of advice.
I definitely would read on, since in just 13 lines you spiked my curiosity. The child has cracked lips, something you would expect in a hot and/or dry climate. Granted, you can have dry without hot, in extreme cold, for example. Cracked lips make me think of hellishly hot places, though.
So I picture a terribly hot place, without the sun present. Furthermore, the child is 5 years old and just now, in the hospital, hears the word "sun". So the sun has disappeared for quite a long time, but, why was it mentioned often enough in the hospital, for the child to memorize? It's definitely not news, but then again...
Let alone the fact that survival on the planet, any planet, for such a prolonged period without sunlight is next to impossible. Or is there some technology involved that maintains living conditions? And what would that be? How would it work? What kind of power source would drive it?
Last, but not least, Dad's reaction is worth considering. We know his wife or lover is probably dead. That loss of his, is somehow connected to the missing sun. Or is it? Do the tears on his face come from the memory of that loss? If not, then the topic of the missing sun has some recent developments, quite definitely.
Dad knows the sun will return. Who or what can move a star? Or is it just comforting his daughter? Why would she need comforting, she doesn't know what's at stake and she could never miss what she hadn't known.
Yep, it's interesting. Wouldn't mind reading more. Wouldn't mind at all.
P.S. I have no idea what speculative fiction is, but I like what I see so far.
posted
Interesting beginning. This grabbed me and I would read on. I assume the daughter is dehydrated. the sun is gone and I want to know 'why'. I really appreciated the second poster's wrap up and edit of the writing which made it easier to read and more fluid. This reminds me of a twilight Zone episode, where the kid was having a dream about sweltering in a world gone amok from an overactive sun. she awoke from a terrible fever only to discover that the world was actually dying from a deep freeze and the sun had died and they were all doomed. Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2011
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posted
Some interesting thoughts in this. My main concern is that you seem to be cramming them together too much, which diminishes some of the ideas. For example
quote:This question, coming from the dry and cracked lips of five year old Lily Nelson, was not one seeking a scientific answer.
Here Lily is introduced (why Nelson? - if she is talking to her father, the last name reference seems out of place), cracked lips indicate a few possibilities, she is five, and we find that she has a deeper reason for asking rather than simple curiosity. Some of these points do intertwine to make some fascinating interactions, but to explore these needs at least a couple of sentences, otherwise we could miss them all.
Again
quote:He did not want to disappoint the last light in his life.
At this stage, the relationship between Ethan is not yet established, so "the last light in his life" is creating a range of questions. Some are so important that putting it as a secondary point in the sentence is playing it down too much. If this had already established the father-daughter relationship, then this sentence would be emphasising the "last" element, which is a key point. But without the prior understanding, the question "why is she a light in his life" swamps the information that it is the "last" light.
Overall, though, a fascinating start.
Gaisin: Speculative fiction is any fiction in which has some speculative or imaginative element inherent in the world that is explored. So it covers genres from science fiction, fantasy, magical realism, horror (except, perhaps, some psychological horror), alternate history, etc. It doesn't cover stories where the imagination is still locked into reality, eg. most of historic fiction, mainstream fiction, literary fiction, mystery etc.
posted
Wow! Thanks for all of this excellent advice. I really didn't know what would come out of using this forum, but the questions that have been asked I know that there is a lot I can do to improve it and that is exciting because I really didn't know what it needed. Now I just need to find a way to get the whole prologue to those who want to read it...
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2011
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posted
Giasin Chasan, there is a little "envelope" icon (for your email address) which is to the right of the date and time information on your posts (it's between the face = ? icon (which is for a link to your profile) and the pencil and paper icon (which is a link to the "edit your post" webpage).
Anyone who wants to email you can find your email address by clicking on that "envelope" link, and you can do the same by clicking on the one that goes with others' posts. If the envelope icon isn't there, it means that the poster has not allowed the Hatrack River Writers Workshop forum software to make that poster's email address available.
posted
Giasin Chasan. your eyes don't need to be replaced. They just needed to be pointed in the right direction.
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